It just goes on and on...

[NarcKiddo]

Hi all,

I'm the daughter of an undiagnosed NPD mother (herself the only daughter of a uNPD mother who may well have had other disorders also. My grandmother was a truly obnoxious woman.) I have an enabler father and a younger sister who may be uNPD to some degree. (Maybe I am, too!)

Since my mid 30s I've been going more and more grey rock (had no idea what it was, back then, just that the approach seemed to help). In my mid 40s I finally twigged that my mother has NPD. The lightbulbs were more akin to a firework display! My rock has become ever harder and greyer since then. I am now mid 50s.

For the last 5 years or so mother seems to have realised something has changed and she has become superficially nicer. She's also stopped having total shouty meltdowns whenever a family member disagrees with her or does not do what she says. You can tell she is livid but she has more control.

I am really trying not to let her get to me and while I have been slowly trying to process the absolutely abominable behaviour she subjected the family to I have also been trying to remember that she will not change and there is no point in my expecting anything from her.

Her most recent behaviour has really challenged my equilibrium, though.

I've recently been diagnosed with gallstones and gallbladder disease and will be having surgery soon. She has always reacted as if her world is going to end if someone else is ill and when I was diagnosed with a lung disorder some 15 years ago she tried to engulf me and you would have thought she was about to die. This time she did not catastrophise - possibly because I did not tell her anything until I knew surgery was inevitable and coming soon. So she had no opportunity to involve herself. Every time I have been at her house, though, she has made much of every ailment she does have. Fine - I expected that. She also said that she was going to come to stay with me for 2 weeks after surgery so she could look after me! There is no way I was going to let that happen as my husband is perfectly capable and I can't think of anything worse than having her snooping in my house for days on end and intruding on me in my bedroom without warning. Still, I stupidly thought the offer came from a kind place. But when I gently turned her down she pushed the issue on several occasions. It turned out that she wants a holiday and my house keys, as her actual plan was to stay at a local hotel and then turn up at my house as and when she pleased.

Then she summoned me and sister to her home for a couple of days stay now that lockdown restrictions permit. She actually took the trouble to message me beforehand, announced what she was cooking for lunches to cater for my [clearly tiresome] issue, and asked what I could not eat for other meals (though she already knew). I suggested she might find it easier to chat about it over the phone so we could go over her shopping list but essentially told her no butter, cheese, salami, cream, oily salad dressings, which is what they would normally eat in the evening). She didn't call. Fair enough. I took secret emergency rations just in case. (And just how ridiculous does that sound in the cold light of day??)

The cooked meals were fine and were the type of thing she would normally make for herself and my father. She spent the whole time praising her own cooking and pointing out how she had gone to the trouble of specially making things I could eat. Then it came time for supper - and she put out bread, butter, cheese, salami, olives. Then said "you can eat bread, can't you?" and pointed out there were some cold boiled potatoes left over from lunch that I could eat as well as the bread.

And here I am - yet again marvelling at just how grim she can be, and at why it matters. And yet again looking around for online information and support until I get myself back on an even keel again. Ugh.

Thanks for reading.

[notrightinthehead]

We know - and yet we are baffled again and again.
Welcome! I wish you good luck with your surgery. A wise choice to not have your mother around to look after you. Check out the Toolbox for strategies that might be helpful to you.

[moglow]

Then said "you can eat bread, can't you?" and pointed out there were some cold boiled potatoes left over from lunch that I could eat as well as the bread.

Well. Just ... well. The mind truly boggles, that she was so intent on "LOOK WHAT I DID FOR YOU!!" then allow it all to fall flat within the day while she maintains a death grip on that image. It truly would have taken so little effort for her to ... but no. Please tell me you whipped out your provisions right there in front of her, made it clear that you expected no less/more from her! [I know. We don't do that. But the image made me smile for you!]


I think you're stronger and see more than you realize. While it's not a pleasant view by any means, We have to see and recognize it for what it is so we don't hold on to painful expectations and hopes that only hold us down. You stand a better chance this way of accepting that's who she is and carrying on without some fluffy image that'll disappear like smoke if you look very long anyway.

Mine resented the gray rock, medium chill responses, never understood that I just don't get into the drama of it all. I don't want or need to be all angry and agitated about things that have nothing to do with me, even if she is so mad it's surprising her head doesn't explode from the pressure. Having her offer help, honestly made my blood run cold. There's always a hook and I rarely saw it in time to prevent damage that I then had to recover from on top of whatever drove me to accept her help in the first place. You get HUGE points for seeing that right up front.

If I may, don't tell her exactly when the surgery is until it's all over and you're well into recovery. [If you have to, lie and tell her it's been rescheduled. You need the peace more than her insistence on "help".] She can wail and gnash her teeth later, when you're stronger and more able to shut it down. From there "it's not a great day" is all the response that's needed or "I'm having THE BEST DAY!" and really piss her off!! I learned to limit what I shared with mine so she couldn't use it as ammo later, this certainly included health issues or concerns.


Hope you find ways to nurture and provide some good self care to resettle! We're here with you whenever you need a little adjustment to your rudder.