Sorry about the dangerous blood disease, but it is all about me

[Starboard Song]

We are running towards 7 years NC from my in-laws, though the first year and a half had various bits of contact as we worked through some family business. Through all of it, my BIL was rock solid. He is a lot younger than my wife, and really needs his parents, so he had to thread the needle. He declared to everyone involved that he loved us all, and simply wouldn't take sides or in any way engage.

Boy, he took a lot of heat for that from his parents. They'd say that NOT helping them breach our peace WAS helping us, so there really was no such thing as neutrality. They ridiculed him, and shamed him for not spying on us or passing messages to our own DS.

Well, as I say, it's been almost 7 years. My BIL has been diagnosed with a fairly rare blood disease. The prognosis is good, but there is a lot of scary treatment and risk ahead. Since he told his folks, he's gotten at least three letters from my MIL: it hurt me so much that you took their side, I have my own medical concerns and only wish you cared more, I will never understand why you won't help me contact my grandson, and so on, on and on and on.

That close. It drives me that close to breaking NC.

And then I realize: If I had stopped hanging out with a friend because I knew he was dealing cocaine, the disturbing news that he was now selling fentanyl wouldn't be a very good reason to contact him. It only makes him worse. And yet the stories of them being mean to someone always fires me up just a little.

Oh, NC, why aren't you painless?

[moglow]

All respect to your BIL for learning to thread that needle and being steadfast - I tried it and just wasn't near as steady as I'd have liked. That said, I'd be [and am!] thatclose right there with you!! My response would start along the lines of LEAVE HIM THE $#&@% ALONE!! HIS illness isn't about you and he needs healing, NOT your nonsense and interference! Once I got rolling no telling where I'd go, but believe you me, I believe she's more than earned it.

[And I'm reminded why I tell my mother nothing. Even that bites me in the buttocks, as she ramped off a riff of ugliness when I didn't run to her with youngest brother's health issues last year. He talked to ME, it was down to him whether he chose to tell her or not. But yes, she made it all about her and how we clearly didn't care about her because we didn't tell her ...]

Painless, it is not, my brother.

[makingachange]

We are running towards 7 years NC from my in-laws, though the first year and a half had various bits of contact as we worked through some family business. Through all of it, my BIL was rock solid. He is a lot younger than my wife, and really needs his parents, so he had to thread the needle. He declared to everyone involved that he loved us all, and simply wouldn't take sides or in any way engage.

Boy, he took a lot of heat for that from his parents. They'd say that NOT helping them breach our peace WAS helping us, so there really was no such thing as neutrality. They ridiculed him, and shamed him for not spying on us or passing messages to our own DS.

Well, as I say, it's been almost 7 years. My BIL has been diagnosed with a fairly rare blood disease. The prognosis is good, but there is a lot of scary treatment and risk ahead. Since he told his folks, he's gotten at least three letters from my MIL: it hurt me so much that you took their side, I have my own medical concerns and only wish you cared more, I will never understand why you won't help me contact my grandson, and so on, on and on and on.

That close. It drives me that close to breaking NC.

And then I realize: If I had stopped hanging out with a friend because I knew he was dealing cocaine, the disturbing news that he was now selling fentanyl wouldn't be a very good reason to contact him. It only makes him worse. And yet the stories of them being mean to someone always fires me up just a little.

Oh, NC, why aren't you painless?

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.  NC is such a tedious slope....

I have heard that so many times too...when it is about someone else or a situation that we or another person is going through...all they can say is..."Well, what about me and all I'm going through...??"  It feels like they just don't care about other people ...and always need to turn it back onto them and all the sob stories about what they are going through, not giving anything to the other person that is actually going through it.

I sympathize with you on this...and just want you to know that we are always here!! 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Praying for peace and healing for your BIL, Starboard. He sounds like a decent man and he does not in any way deserve his own illness being weaponized against him. I agree with you that's absolutely beyond the pale and is exactly why you just can't achieve a meaningful reconciliation with people who think such behavior is ever acceptable. I would want to help protect him too! Perhaps you aren't the best people to share those letters with, being NC and all, but I guess it might be hard for absolutely anyone else to understand. I'm sorry. I hope this can pass into everyone's rear view mirror and be gone soon. Your IL's can only achieve temporarily disruptions that get them nowhere.

[notrightinthehead]

It's the Robin Hood inside you who wants to break NC.  Just remember,  PDs thrive on conflict. They are much better at this than you will ever be.  They are baiting. You have a choice- you bite the hook or you laugh about it. I am glad you chose the latter.

[nanotech]

It's the Robin Hood inside you who wants to break NC.  Just remember,  PDs thrive on conflict. They are much better at this than you will ever be.  They are baiting. You have a choice- you bite the hook or you laugh about it. I am glad you chose the latter.

I concur with all of the comments here. I'm glad you are holding your boundaries despite the drama stirred up. I wish your BIL a full recovery.
I've responded in the past and resumed contact, thinking I'm Robin Hood, only to be chewed up and spat out by the PDs in my FOO.  Drama and doom are their playground.
We somehow expect them to gain some insight during a crisis, but what they tend to do is ramp up the toxic behaviour.

[SunnyMeadow]

Yes, those PDs certainly do love conflict and if it's medical/disease conflict, even better.

Your MIL and my recently deceased NPD mother sound eerily similar. My brother had cancer in his late 50s, she flipped his diagnosis into being all about her. The letters you mentioned from your MIL, my mother was writing them left and right. What the heck is it with letters?? She got worse and worse as he battled cancer and no one was safe from her.

One of the biggest fights we got into was when she was going to send an epic length letter to my brother's wife. She emailed it to me to critique, when I saw her in person I said not to send it and she ripped me a new one. Threatening me, loud crying and tears, beet red and shaking and she was this |....| close to slapping me in the face. She became unhinged and stayed this way for weeks. It was sickening. So beware, MIL may ramp up her drama and chaos as time goes on.

I'm glad you didn't break NC, no good would come of it as you're aware. They just aren't worth the stress and aggravation even though it would be so satisfying to let them know exactly what you think.

[M0009803]

It's the Robin Hood inside you who wants to break NC.  Just remember,  PDs thrive on conflict. They are much better at this than you will ever be.  They are baiting. You have a choice- you bite the hook or you laugh about it. I am glad you chose the latter.

I agree with this.

Its hard to stop yourself if you are an empathetic individual and see this kind of obvious injustice.

Took me a while to stop myself from engaging as you are simply feeding the PDs what they want most: drama and conflict.