I need help

[brokenempath]

Hello -

So much has been going on that I don't even have the energy to talk about right now, but I'm just wondering if anyone has advice to help me be in same presence of my uPDH? He's agreed to therapy and moving out temporarily so I can have space, but my body literally tenses up and just weird feeling down my body when he's home or I think about him coming home. Who knows when he'll actually leave, but until then I have to coexist for our children so any tips to deal with this anxiety or whatever is when he's around? Not sure how much more I can handle

[Poison Ivy]

Here are a few things that might help: focus on your breathing (there are lots of things on the internet on the topic); and create a mental image of you being surrounded by a fence or wall that prevents your spouse from having close access to you.

[Falsebalance]

Here are a few things that might help: focus on your breathing (there are lots of things on the internet on the topic); and create a mental image of you being surrounded by a fence or wall that prevents your spouse from having close access to you.

This has been huge for me. Are you holding your breath? In or out?

I suggest getting the audible on "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narccisit" I say the audible because I'm almost finished with it within 3 days - it is 8 hours.  (couldn't read it that fast caring for kids!) - and you need this information  as fast as possible. Even if you don't know your husband's diagnosis - I have found it to be very eye opening to examine my own self first and let his issues be his issues. 

I'm in a very similar boat.

[brokenempath]

Here are a few things that might help: focus on your breathing (there are lots of things on the internet on the topic); and create a mental image of you being surrounded by a fence or wall that prevents your spouse from having close access to you.

Thank you very much for the tips. I find myself turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to feel less emotions. I'm so overwhelmed. I will try these

[brokenempath]

Here are a few things that might help: focus on your breathing (there are lots of things on the internet on the topic); and create a mental image of you being surrounded by a fence or wall that prevents your spouse from having close access to you.

This has been huge for me. Are you holding your breath? In or out?

I suggest getting the audible on "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narccisit" I say the audible because I'm almost finished with it within 3 days - it is 8 hours.  (couldn't read it that fast caring for kids!) - and you need this information  as fast as possible. Even if you don't know your husband's diagnosis - I have found it to be very eye opening to examine my own self first and let his issues be his issues. 

I'm in a very similar boat.

I do notice that I can hold my breath unintentionally. When I think about it just in general, I try to use the breathing break on Apple Watch.

I will 100% get that audible tomorrow morning. One of my focuses for today was finding online therapy for myself bc I have been constantly doubting myself, blaming myself and feeling overwhelming guilt. But then decided our limited financial resources should be saved for the extra expenses that this trial separation will consume so I felt hopeless again. I need any and all self evaluation I can get on a budget. So thank you! I have read some of your posts and related, which has made it very helpful to not feel alone. It's all been so emotionally draining for me

[brokenempath]

I will do anything for my kids and my parents are continuously telling me that divorce is worse for the kids and it's leaving me so torn

[brokenempath]

He agreed to the therapy & physical separation, but I should mention this was yesterday after we went through a Marriage Encounter this past weekend. Which was definitely an enlightening experience & I do recommend.
I know I love him and he professed all his love for me that I hadn't heard or felt in 15 years, but still was nice to hear. But then today he's telling me how sad this is making him and "sorry for being cold" aka silent treatment. I literally professed to him on our weekend that my mental & physical health can't take this anymore and that I don't want to divorce, but just physically separate so he is forced to get therapy about his childhood trauma (basically his parents sucked & it's been his excuse for many behaviors) and I can't be there for him to say oh okay yah I get it blah blah blah. I feel like I need to stay firm.
But that's where the guilt comes from. I haven't seen him this emotional or caring in I don't know how long, but yet I have so much hurt and resentment so now it's  should I continue ignoring my well-being & stay in it or do I stay strong about trial separation? And what effects does either have on our kids

[brokenempath]

Broken,
It's uncanny how similar our situations are. My wife also agreed to individual therapy. Tell me more about the Marriage Encounter. We've talked about doing a marriage intensive, but I'm worried it would lead to abuse for me, similar to marriage counseling.
I can relate to the sudden caring too ... my wife even recently has apologized for how she has hurt me, and shown more empathy than I'm used to. But like you, I have so much hurt built up, I'm not sure I can ever forgive her. Plus I'm skeptical these changes are for real, as it seems like PD manipulation and lovebombing / idealizing.
If you haven't you should read my letter I wrote ... it describes similar things to what you said.

Wow user - yes very familiar thank you very much for sharing. My emotions have been all over the place the past couple months and there have been so many days where I'm angry and like you said- I just plain & simple don't want to move on together. I can't.

Then there's days like today, where he's respected my personal space and even slept in different bedroom last night, that I feel hopeful & optimistic.

It was called a Worldwide Marriage Encounter. They're all over the world and it's a weekend retreat where lead couples & a priest give presentations on methods of better communication skills and some of their experiences then you and your spouse separate to write about whatever the topic is about and then join back together in your rooms to have dialogue. I'm not going to lie, the drive there was extremely uncomfortable. Most of the time during presentations I was literally on the verge of tears for I didn't even know what reason, I would have to stand up and pace when we were alone & dialoguing   bc my body was just so uncomfortable. I had no hope in us. All of his letters were about how much he loved me and I could barely write a few sentences I was just checked out. Then the final dialogue session is 75 min write, 75 dialogue and when they told us that I immediately started having anxiety. But they gave us these questions and I started writing away, crying my eyes out & the time ended up going by so fast.

When he came back to room for the dialogue portion that's when I said I HAD to separate. I said I never felt so loved by you, but I just can't do this anymore. It's hard to explain it all- I'm unfortunately not the best writer, but I am glad we did it even just for my own strength.

I had hope he was going to take me seriously now and respect my wishes. But then there was yesterday where he started telling me how sad he was about this and that he can't find an apt. All the excuses. And all of that anger came back again. I started questioning myself & had all of the horrible feelings. That's when I came here to ask for help.

But like I said earlier, today has been better. So Ive made a promise with myself, that if he chooses not to follow through with this (sooner than later) we will be done & I will not have guilt about it.