The guilt of enjoying cash gifts

[GravityOfBeauty]

Ever since we've been married I can't remember a time upon receiving any sort of cash gift that I actually allowed myself to use it on me — it would go straight into our checking account and got gobbled up by joint expenses. Part of this may be due to my experiences regarding the amount of energy it takes advocating for purchases I want to make, and IF I am allowed to make said purchase, it justifies my uBPDw purchasing something of similar value in the near future or else I face shame / guilt. "Fair is fair." Or I'd chalk it up to blaming myself for not budgeting well enough.

Has anyone else experienced this? I've totally normalized it up until a few days ago when I received a birthday check from my Grandma. Shortly thereafter a collections notice for one of my W's unpaid bills arrived and she raged, forcing me to agree to pay it thereby rendering the gift dollar amount void. I felt guilty to spend anything additional on myself.

This realization hit me hard today. It's just so sad. Now that I'm aware of it I hope to change this behavior and allow myself to enjoy gifts that I receive.

[11JB68]

I can relate.  Uocpdh is very controlling about money.  Times I've had to grovel for something,  then eg price of his cigarettes goes up (comes out of my weekly "allowance ") and I'm back to ground zero

[SeaBreeze]

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes. I think it started when I was growing up with my uNPD mother. She would "ask" to "borrow" any cash I was given by other family members as gifts (including extra spending $ from my father who was already sending her child support) because she needed it to keep the electricity on or buy groceries so my brother and I could eat. How could a 10-yr-old child say "no" to that without feeling guilty or selfish, and/or seen as disrespectful/disobedient?

As a teen, I started babysitting to buy my own clothes, music, 80s hair care, etc, only to have my mother "borrow" that too. I remember saving up to buy my own Nikes sneakers or Members Only jacket (yes, I'm dating myself here) only to pay a bill or buy food for the family instead, while I went to school with holes in my old shoes and a jacket I'd outgrown. Then uNPD mother "paid me back" by swooping in and surprising me a few months later with cheap knockoff versions of what I'd meant to buy myself (without her having to pay for it in the first place??)  So Mom got to be the hero, while I was grateful to be given anything at that point. I felt like I was a brat for wanting brand name items, and just happy to have something new that fit and wasn't falling apart. (A few years ago, my own teen pointed out: wasn't my mother supposed to buy my shoes and jackets anyway?? What was she "paying back" exactly?  Why did I sound like I still felt ungrateful or guilty even telling him this story?? Wow...)

I have a whole other story about the small trust fund my grandparents gave me at age 18 for college. How royally PISSED my mother was when I went behind her back to make sure she did not get her hands on it and that it went directly to the college instead. But that could be its own thread.

As a young(er) adult, I would spend gift cash on bills, on groceries, on my kids, on anyone or anything but myself. I also fell into financially abusive relationships with 2 N husbands. Ex UNPDh would intercept cash gifts to both me and our kids to buy what he thought it should be spent on. Hmm deja vu. Current uNPDh is better with $ and has no issue with me having my own funds, but uses gifts as lovebombing, control, fake apologies, sometimes "surprising" me with purchases he knows I have already planned (or even prefer) to buy myself.

Wow, the more things change, the more they stay the same? It took me until my 40s and now 50s (so just the past 10 years) to learn to buy something for ME without feeling selfish. To buy it MYSELF without feeling like I need approval for my choices. (And not just with cash gifts but my own darn paycheck?!)

For those of us who've been raised and/or fallen into relationships with PDs, it's not just cash that can be used to control us -- it can be anything we want or need for ourselves:  money, time, space, respect, self-care, healthcare, personal agency... We are groomed to put the PD's needs and wants first, shamed into putting our own last. It can quite literally take a lifetime to overcome these patterns. Coming Out of the FOG is a start!

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[brokenempath]

100% yes. It's always been... did you put those checks/cash in the bank? Which I always did. And 90% of the "gifts" I've received from him have been household appliances and cleaning supplies ie: vacuums, mops etc. and they can be high quality items which I appreciate since I'm mostly doing the cleaning. But there is nothing that makes you feel special about a blender so I can make us smoothies every morning. I've received one piece of jewelry in 12 years (a necklace which I do love so I'm grateful for) but even if I need to buy new clothes since I've been wearing maternity even though I haven't been pregnant in 5 years and it's "did you look around? Did you compare prices for items you like?" It's like no! I need to go in a store and try stuff on sometimes (not all the times but still every purchase doesn't have to be overanalyzed & to make me feel like I'm draining our family resources) Now I feel like I'm going way off your topic... I'm sorry! It's just interesting bc I never thought about it and last night even too, I thought about the day I bought my wedding dress & I was soooo excited bc I loved it and his comment was which credit card did you use. I wish you would've asked. My excitement quickly dwindled away