Intro - PD/NPD Sister

[Harmony2017]

Where do I begin?  How does one do an overview after 40-plus years of tolerating a PD/NPD sister for the sake of keeping peace in the family?

Through a series of events in the last two months, I can clearly see a sister's PD/NPD and my mother's enabling as well as covering it up all these years. 

After tolerating years of erratic behavior, excessive mood swings, profanity-laced outbursts, inappropriate sexual behavior towards my husband, lack of respect and empathy for others, lies, and Mom's excuses that "PD/NPD sister and you just don't get along", in 2017, I went NC with sister after a ranting of accusatory text messages.  Told Mom about rant and I was no longer having contact with PD/NPD sister.  I was devastated with Mom's response.  Issues with Mom are left for another time.  I still recall first time I spoke to Mom about sister's mental health in 1978.  She ignored me then and every time I brought it up. 

The following four years after NC, Sister attempted to bait me with either ranting or "I'm sorry" text.  No response.  Several calls.  Ignored.  If important, she could leave a message or text.  The lines of communication were kept open for two reasons, one, in the event something happened to Mom hoping sister would inform me, which she never did -- she told me it was none of my business on several occasions when Mom was in rehab and stated I was not going to talk to Mom at all -- and, two, to document.  I never kept it a secret from Mom I was documenting everything during the NC period. 

PD/NPD sister would go and stay with Mom who lived 800 miles away because Mom financially supports her.

Until recently, I didn't know the depths PD/NPD Sister went to discredit and malign me, particularly during the NC period.  Based on what I've learned, texts, and things she has said recently, I feel she has fixated on me as the responsible party for all the bad things, real and imaginary, that have happened in her life as well as the situation she finds herself in currently.  The fixation is unnerving, and I am somewhat concerned for my safety.  Precautions are being taken.

I could easily go NC with PD/NPD Sister and Mom, but there's another sister who is being used as a scapegoat and pawn, and being manipulated and/or coached by PD/NPD sister into doing things which are out of character.  Sister has reached out several times to family members about PD/NPD sister.  We would inform Mom about our concern, and Mom would tell sister to not call us.  So we stopped calling Mom and tried to comfort sister.  For me, the last call received from sister was the final straw and it was time to take action.

As luck would have it, events unfolded, which I had nothing to do with despite their accusations that I did, causing PD/NPD sister to make rash decisions.  To maintain her control of Mom and sister, PD/NPD sister quickly moved Mom and sister to this state. 

For two weeks now, PD/NPD sister has isolated sister, refusing to let her spend time with other family, specifically Dad, giving lame excuses.  If we call, she monitors, and in some cases, you can hear her coaching.  Sister does not sound like herself.  Conversations are maybe a minute and then she gives phone to Mom or PD/NPD sister.

Recently, suspicions were confirmed.  Not being the dutiful daughter by believing the lies and asking questions, Mom began yelling and regurgitating word-for-word accusations PD/NPD sister has made over the years.  Quite honestly, I don't know if Mom is a victim of PD/NPD sister or is herself PD.  Suggesting we all see a therapist, Mom and PD/NPD sister vehemently denied there was anything wrong with them and that it was myself and sister who had problems. 

I've been fortunate in having two dear friends who listen objectively.  Standing on the outside, they've provided insight to things I couldn't see or for me to consider a different viewpoint, and not afraid to call me out when I should have handled something a different way.  I've only had two short outbursts.  Best piece of advice given to me was on 5/20/2017, "PD/NPD sister knows how to push your buttons."  That was the day I realized she was intentionally pushing those buttons.  It took a bit longer before I saw she was attempting to control me.   

Sister's behavior has been documented since July 2016.  All text messages screenshot and saved, phone calls recorded (I live in a state where it's legal as long as one party is aware the call is being recorded) documented and notes taken.  I knew one day it would be needed, and sadly, the day has arrived. 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place. What a roller coaster ride you are on with your family. As a start, please check out the Toolbox- What to do and What not to do. You might find some inspiration there how to deal with your family of origin. Having no contact with someone so broken as your sister might be the only way to protect yourself.  The worry about your other sister is justified but I assume she is an adult and then there is little you can do to save her.  By modeling save and healthy behaviour, you might inspire her to follow in your footsteps.
You might be right that your mum with her enabling is a part of the problem and you might have to distance yourself from the whole family dynamics from time to time in order to protect your own mental health.
You are not alone! We all here are at different stages of healing from the abuse a loved person with PD has caused us. See you around on the boards.

[Harmony2017]

Thank you for the welcome.  I can't walk away from sister.  Yes, she's an adult in early 60s.  However, she's mentally challenged, no guardian.  This presents a whole different set of problems.  She was ripped away from the life and people she's known for 50 years based on coercion and manipulation by PD/NPD sister.     Sister wants it to be just her and mommy, which I don't believe it will be ever again.   

In two weeks, I'll speak with an attorney to the best course of action to get her out of this situation and still be able to maintain some sort of limited relationship with only Mom, get her into some program so she can interact with others, get her to a therapist to help deal with everything that's happened, and bring some normalcy and peace to her life.     

When not being monitored and can speak freely, sister calls dad or my daughter.  She's been told she cannot call me. and her phone is checked for calls.     

I could take drastic measures in having her removed from the situation, but she's been traumatized enough, and I would still need an attorney.  Drastic measures are the last recourse.   

[notrightinthehead]

Yes, that is a different story then. I wish you a lot of strength and calmness for your task.