It's cyclical, therefore planned

[moglow]

We used to watch timing of mother's dramatics so we could be somewhat prepared for any interaction. We'd realized a while back that a great many are centered around birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, special events. Some of these are obvious and easily recognized, others are obscure things we couldn't possibly know and would be berated for: "it's anniversary of the day xyz was diagnosed with abc and you should know this by now!!!" because in her mind one must always have an explanation/scapegoat for the meltdown rather than think it through and contain unnecessary violence.

With that in mind I text brother who lives near her, told him I'm pretty sure md's mother birthday is tomorrow, and of course there's mother's day next week. His response? She already had a meltdown this morning... My point: If one has time and brain cells to focus on and schedule a performance, she could also decide to NOT. But no.

Curious to know if others have same or similar occurrences - and if there were ever a time you could successfully offset a dramatic performance before it locked down for the duration.

[square]

I've been thinking lately that one thread of PD might be a skewed sense of significance in a variety of forms - interpreting the world strangely.

What you are describing strikes me as a skewed sense of significance of dates. I think most PDs have issues about holidays )gifts, food, expectations, etc) but MD seems to have another layer to it if she focuses also on anniversaries of events and such. I'm guessing she might be baffled that not everybody else keeps track of these dates.

[moglow]

Good point - she does seem baffled and exasperated that we somehow overlooked the importance of these anniversaries. No grasp that by the time you're mid-80s there are LOTS of them and it becomes a minefield no one can navigate.


I guess I find it just as odd that she's unable to seek out and focus on happy events - birthdays, graduations and special events for those still living, someone conquering/in remission from dread disease, getting that dream job etc! But I suppose that then puts the focus on said others instead of her and her neverending angst and anger? It goes right back to the obsessive self-involvement, and how all things must center around her - albeit all the negative and painful things. It's got to be an incredibly dark place in her head.

[Sneezy]

I think your mother is always in a dark place.  She is always in a bad mood.  In her mind, there HAS to be a reason for her bad mood.  And so she hunts for a reason.  And, as you say, by the mid-80s it is easy to find a reason for her bad mood.  It's just another way to focus everything on her and her dark moods.

We probably all do this to some extent.  Sometimes I will wake up in a bad mood and I'm not sure why.  So I start thinking about reasons why I might be in a bad mood.  But then I try to remind myself that there are just as many reasons to be in a good mood.  That's the part someone with a PD can't do.  They are always in a bad mood, there has to be a reason, and there is no way they are going to start counting their blessings, rather than their grievances and sadness.

[moglow]

And it's part of her internal blame and shame cycle too. I wonder what went so wrong where that she saw her only option to remain stuck in this misery - all those choices out there and this is where she lives. Yeah. Just all seems so unnecessary to me.

[donutmoonpanda]

It kind of reminds me of parents who bring particular items on a trip with the kids because they know this kid will melt down in this situation and need this thing for comfort, or the other kid will behave this way if xyz happens so he'll need this item to distract him. It's like parents like your mother never learned that take over self-soothing or even how to predict her own behavior, how to anticipate her needs. Like a big toddler outsourcing the management of all her emotions.

[Call Me Cordelia]

This conversation reminds me of how my dad wrote in his final hoover letter how he ALMOST DIED. Came so close.

And then immediately said he had absolutely nothing to be grateful for.

How about that you didn't die, for starters!

[sunshine702]

Her trips to her convention for her store.  My entire life has been the hem and haw of this!  What city?. What venders will be there? Where will she stay? Where she will eat? Every detail on her trip and every detail back at the store?  Will she visit with family?  M's house is too cold.
The horse and pony show I call it.   Ultimate dread now.  Or remember this from my childhood. My father burned the toast one trip.  Huge deal.  Even though us kids thought it was funny and fine.

I noticed a few year back that she does these back to back.  I used to plan everything to go just so to wine and dine her and make sure everything is just so then she turns around and does it again.  Usually to not such good results.  She will come out to another show weeks or months later.

I honestly never thought of the back to back ness - nor has she consciously but it is absolutely the case and has been going on since I liven in NYC in 1997.

[Cat of the Canals]

In her mind, there HAS to be a reason for her bad mood.  And so she hunts for a reason. 

PDmom totally does this. And she not only hunts for a reason, she overtly demands that the rest of us "fix it." I felt this way when I was younger. That if I was upset, something was "wrong" and something must be "done" about it. That if I pouted enough, the universe would take notice and change things.  Took me a while to figure out: sometimes you're in a bad mood and that's that. There's nothing to be done about it. You either find a solution or a way to move on.

But to answer mo's original question, one of PDmom's cycles is to plan some sort of big party where she assigns herself all sorts of nearly impossible tasks (the house must be absolutely SPOTLESS and also she's going to cook EVERYTHING FROM SCRATCH) and then makes herself absolutely miserable in the process, which leads to her snapping at us before and during the event (never within earshot of the guests, naturally - which again shows some forethought). I didn't notice it until my dad pointed out that she was turning into her mother, who apparently did the exact same thing.

[sunshine702]

I call this ^^ FOOD MARTYR

My mom would do that growing up.  Endless gems and haws about what we will cook for dinner? How hard I work!

I grew up with such a block about cooking.  It wasn't until I let my husband did I realize it could be fun. What WE wanted.  And if you weren't in the mood you did a PbJ.

[GentleSoul]

Interesting about upcoming special events.

Lately a whole stream of videos have come my way mentioning this.

In my childhood you could absolutely guarantee birthdays, Christmas, etc there would be a huge meltdown by the personality disordered, alcoholic "parents" I had.  You could put money on it.  The tension would grow as the event approached.

Exactly the same with late personality disordered, alcoholic husband. 

I used to think it was normal to end up in tears on any birthday, Christmas or event.

No, no it's not. It's them.  It is what they do. 

Such a comfort when you realise this.  As a kid, then as a wife I used to work so hard to try and stop the blow up happening.  I see now I was wasting my time. 

They WANTED their meltdown and they were going to darn well have it!!!