Random birthday bs

[moglow]

Wednesday is md birthday. She's gotten upset the past few years because:
a. I sent a card, didn't call or text;
b. Sent a text and called, not a card;
c. Called, didn't send text or card.

All wrong. In the past I've given funny cards rather than the gushy ones. (WRONG) Sent plants or flowers, not knowing what else she might like (Plant was too hard to care for, flowers made her sneeze).  Took her to lunch (not enough notice). Met her and brother for lunch (why weren't the others there too) ... There's just never enough.

This year, I'm bowing out even though she's admittedly on my mind. I did see a card that tempted me though
Outside - "There's no one like you."
Inside - "Not even close. Happy birthday."
Tempting

[makingachange]

Hi moglow!

I completely know what you are talking about!  It seems like no matter what we do for their birthday is never enough or the right thing.  I remember during my parent's birthday...whatever I gave them they would say "thanks"....but you could always see that look on their face and their kind of reaction that made you go...."I don't really believe you."

When it was my mother's birthday, we would try to eat with her or take her out to eat...I would always ask...where would you like to go...and it was always ..."Oh, I don't know..."  Leaving me to always have to pick...and never feeling like it was the right choice, and somehow feeling like it was all a test of some sort....

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know ...I know exactly where you are coming from on this...it gets so tiring trying to do the "right" thing for them...or what they "want"...seems never enough. 

[notrightinthehead]

I like that card. Very suitable for a person with PD.
Whatever you do, it will be wrong. So you are safe. You can do whatever you feel like. The outcome is always the same.

[SunnyMeadow]

That's a perfect card for the NPD mother.

Everything I did was wrong and for sure not good enough too. So the last few years I got her a card (that I picked with my eyes closed) and a small flower arrangement or plant that I though was nice and called it good. I used to go all out but then I started to realize she didn't deserve all that.

What does md stand for?  Mommie Dearest?

[moglow]

Yes, md = mommie dearest. Her behavior is eerily like that described in the book of that name by Christina Crawford, some of the things she said and even the way she said them as if quoted verbatim from the movie. That was horrifying for me, seeing the way Joan Crawford treated her children and so many of her Hollywood friends defending her. Granted they didn't see what went on behind closed doors, but as we've said here many times, you can't make this shit up. I don't doubt for a minute that those children lived a hell of her making. That The older children were sent away to boarding schools was a probably blessing for them in the big picture - they got away from her.

But the behaviors, the seemingly random tantrums and meltdowns by a mother with those kids completely blindsided by her rage? I felt that, lived it all my life. A few years ago I mailed her a card since I'd be traveling and knew I'd be without phone service until the day after. I called her I was driving home, but she didn't answer, didn't return my calls. Several days later she spat at me that she got my card but I could at least have called. Told her I didn't have cell service where I was and [since she didn't show any interest!] told her a little about my trip. Big mistake. She went OFF that I dared be on a trip for her birthday, how convenient it was that I was able to go that one weekend!! Well yeah, I was on a wait list and they had a cancellation on a weekend I wasn't working, and got a discounted rate due to the short notice. "But on MY BIRTHDAY???" Okay. It was in the mountains, she wouldn't have been able to navigate the property IF I'd been willing to have her in my car for that 7+ hour drive! But no. I was supposed to stop the world and make her day special AND know exactly how to do it right. Bad mo.

The year before she'd been miffed on the way home from birthday lunch with me and one brother [where we pulled out every childhood memory we could stomach just to keep conversation going] that she was expecting my other brothers, were they running late, etc. Theyd shown no interest and we didn't push it, but we didn't go into that with her. The lunch was painful with us trying to carry on conversation and include her when she clearly wasn't interested, and she had no clue what we were talking about half the time. It's like she'd lived an alternate universe throughout our lives. So she ramped up her list of disappointments in her mind as something to hold on to. The crux of the matter: She didn't get the accolades and attention she expected, and someone was by golly going to PAY!

When I read Understanding the Borderline Mother, I cried. The descriptions and experiences were so much my life, written by a whole lot of strangers. Never measuring up, always being "less than" and ridiculed, expected to read her mind and above all, serve. Mother was/is the queen/witch through and through. As she aged and we weren't as readily available for her rages, she flipped to waif/hermit. She alternates, according to her audience.

No contact isn't a mind eraser, kids. All the stuff is still there to be dealt with, but at least we can work through it peacefully and with some small sense of clarity. I do feel sorry for her - everything could have been so different if she'd had and allowed boundaries, and just set down that relentless list of expectations. If she'd stepped outside and looked at someone other than herself. It's a lesson, to be sure.

[bloomie]

Oh Moglow... that card would be very tempting!!!

See very similar behaviors with both mil and my own mother before she died. No matter the gesture... not quite right.

I am curious... what does md do to remember and honor you for your bday? And your sibs? If you don' t mind sharing a bit.

[moglow]

That's been a bit of a sore point, Bloomie. She texts on birthdays [which I don't have a problem with, since she used to call super early am!], then follows up with more texts and discusses it with others if she doesn't get the required response within her internal time limit. Since she apparently had my number blocked for an undetermined time [2-ish years?], her ongoing complaint was that she didn't get my response. Well no, she'd blocked my number so she wouldn't have. She'd continue to ramp up her texts and accompanying nastiness about the way I treated her, ignore any phone calls and messages to her until she was ready to move past it. Any attempt to talk about it later or point out that she also texts, she'd say "well now you know how it feels!" as if it were some tit for tat game.

Thing is, she never shows any interest in being with us or want to hear about how we spent them. Any attempt to tell her about plans or I had special dinner with friends, etc and she cuts me off. It's not about her so it doesn't count, I guess. I turned 60 this year, got a very brief text followed by snippy texts days later, full on meltdown via phone calls before the week was out, culminating on me choosing no contact. She never once in all those phone calls actually wish me a happy birthday, ask how I spent it, not one word about it - she was focused on the damn text nonsense that turned out was exactly what I'd been saying all along. She could text me, had blocked my responses. That's the hill she chose to die on finally. Texting, of all things.

I think she's trying to force contact on her [unspoken] terms, control any and every engagement, and she gets all wound up when things don't go as she expects [like us backing off and calling it a day]. She wants drama, any drama, and doesn't seem to have limits in how or where she invents it. She'll apparently run roughshot over anyone to get that fix, never considering that others aren't interested in all that folderol. The whole idea of "be nice or be gone" doesn't occur to her unless she's decided someone isn't nice to HER, i.e. doesn't conform to her demands. Honestly, I think she's incredibly bored and lonely, and still somehow thinks that treating others the way she does will somehow serve to fill that void.

The more I step back and look at it, the more I wonder how one human can have so few redeeming qualities. She can be incredibly charming and charismatic when she chooses, but it's limited, very superficial and usually only in public [while she mumbles criticisms about that person under her breath or behind their back].

[moglow]

You know what galls me way down inside? She KNOWS what she's doing, flips it on and off at a whim, constantly looking for someone to blame rather than simply appreciating what's offered. Everything - every word and deed- is measured and found wanting. She assumes the worst and acts on those assumptions. She demands explanations yet refuses to listen once those words leave her mouth.

But somehow she taught us the opposite, so she knows right from wrong, good from bad. She's entitled simply because she's the mother, just as a child she was the baby of the family and therefore exception to the rules there. They allowed and encouraged it, reinforced her sense of self importance. No one stood up and said enough! They feared her tantrums even as adults, i guarandamntee it. Like them, I spent a lifetime trying to placate that big baby while being shown over and over that i didn't matter. I resent that.

[bloomie]

Moglow - Count me in as another one who believes every single word of Christina Crawford's book!

Attempting to maintain some kind of contact with a mother like you describe your md to be, who sounds so familiar to my own mother, for me was like living in a daily kind of gas lighting. It was her choice to live in strife and slyly stir up chaos and cunningly create zero sum games around anything that matters to us.

I know this may come from out of the blue, but with my own mother dearest there was a great deal of jealousy and envy woven through much of how she behaved toward my siblings and me. That jealousy permeated birthdays, holidays, anything good or bad that happened in my life or the life of my FOC.

My own mother's reality did not match her grandiose expectations for herself in ANY way and she was miserable inside. Don't get me wrong she had more luxury and trappings than most, a devoted husband who worshipped at her feet, and a loyal following, so to speak, but even so, the most usual emotions she showed were disappointment in her life, husband, children, circumstances.

No one and nothing could ever meet the threshold of her expectations and that was everyone else's responsibility and therefore fault. She had an entire parallel universe in her head of how her life should be if only we all would get in line and make it so.

All of this frustration with us and her disappointment of her own life would blow like Mount Vesuvius and her scorching anger would destroy whoever was close enough to be harmed. And she never seemed to give the damage done, the cruelty of her behaviors, another thought as she would cut people out of her life without a backward glance unless they paid enough penitence to be allowed to in her presence again.   

As her children, if she perceived we had achieved or surpassed her in any way heaven help us! She was The Mother, and as you say about your own, The Queen of Everything! We were meant to stay in a step down position and love her, serve her, put her above anything and everything else. Again, a daily kind of gaslighting because she regularly told us she never wanted to be a mother and never wanted any of us. 

So, we were never wanted and were 'problems', inhibiting her life, costing her money and time and attention she would rather spend on herself.  We weren't entitled to be celebrated and our special days were overshadowed by my mother's covert or overt sabotage.

All of this to say... how is it possible to ever have any kind of healthy and positive exchange with someone like we are dealing with in our mothers (mine now passed)? How is it possible to ever find a way to even wish them a happy birthday that will suffice? There is no evidence of sincere appreciation and love of others by those who are completely consumed with themselves and have never gotten over turning 40. 

[moglow]

Bloomie, I have no words. The similarities are again just unreal. It makes so much sense put that way: Jealousy when we were center of attention so limit visits with extended family. Isolate us no no one sees or hears it, nobody believes it and we don't trust her or anyone else. I remember Daddy referring to her as an unnatural mother way back when I was in high school. It makes me wonder now what she may have said outright, thinking he'd back her. He must have been horrified and heartsick.

Thinking on this, I believe it was intentional, she just keep pushing and pushing until I made this decision for her. This way she can blame me, leaving my poor old mother all alone to fend for herself. The end result is exactly what she wanted, while it shredded me. The repair process ain't easy but at least it's mine - never being able to turn to or trust her means I wouldn't count on her for anything even if it was a consideration.

The lights keep coming on, slowly clearing the darkness. This is the first time in ages I feel no guilt whatsoever. And breathing easier again.