How long did it take you to go NC?

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello, sorry if this question has been posted many times before but...

1a. How long did it take you to go NC with your PDparent/PDrelatives?
For me, I've been NC with my PDfather for about ... 2years? It took me 2 decades for that to happen though. I invited him to my son's baby shower before he was born. I wanted my son to see his maternal grandparents but...My parents haven't really made an effort to see my son which hurts... Also, I'm only LC/VLC with my PDmother, with being on-and-off with the NC. As for my maternal PDrelatives, I have no clue...maybe close to a decade of not talking to them? But they live in a different country.

1b. If you're not fully NC but are thinking about it, what will it take for you to become fully NC?
This question is difficult for me, because...in order for me to be FULLY NC with PDmother, that means cutting out all of my brothers, and I don't know...I don't know if I can do that permanently. Temporarily, I'll be going on a 2wk hiatus from my "social life" once I get my own spot. That means staying offline and being off the phone in general(no phone calls/texts unless it's an emergency). Nobody will know where I live until I feel comfortable sharing that info. I'll let my loved ones know though and will still allow my son to have his social life, I just won't have my own for the 2weeks, I need to detox first.

2a. How long did it take you to heal [from the PTSD]?
I'm still...trying to heal.
I mostly healed from my PDparents trauma they caused me, but after being in a long 3yr relationship with PDex and leaving him 4 months ago, it made me relive everything and the healing process restarted...I flinch if anything comes close to my face, as I used to get hit as a child and well...from PDex...I'm squimish in general when people touch me too based on bad experiences in the past.

2b. What do you do to help with the healing process?
Uh...most recently, I went to a domestic violence support group and it was surprisingly nice. I did get triggered pretty bad by one person's story. She's living the life I have, but it's MUCH WORSE and I wanted to cry. I wish I could reach across the screen and give her a hug and help. I have to help myself before I can help others... Everyone in the group was kind and provided her with links to resources, I did as well because I'm in the same spot as her to be honest.

But what I'm currently doing is being more active on support forums, going for walks, trying to budget and plan, and lastly...journalling...

DCS wants me to do therapy to help me, so I'm in the process of filing out the needed paperwork. I'm a but nervous, since the counselor seems like he might be religious, while I'm not at all[I'm an atheist, but I don't have a problem with other people's beliefs, everyone has their own truths and lifestyles, and that's OK. My brothers all have different religions/belief systems too.]. I hope religion doesn't get brought up during therapy, as I was abused too with religion, from my highly religious PDparents. I don't want to be forced to believe a certain way. I won't ever force my son to believe/disbelieve anything, his beliefs are up to him. I'll only teach him how to think for himself and choose who he wants to be, not what me or my PDex wants him to be...

3. What advice would you give to others if they are thinking about going NC?
Do what you think is best for your mental health...Also, think long and hard too. If I go NC with PDmother, I know it'll be a domino effect for me...I might lose the relationship I have with my brothers. I wanted to examine the relationship too, that I have with my brothers and see if it's worth the NC...if it'll either help or hurt me. If my brothers will respect my NC with PDmother or if they won't. Then, I guess I will have my answer...If they won't respect my boundaries, then...I'll have no choice but to go LC/NC with my own brothers. Because I want to heal..I'm tired of hurting. I want to live. I want to be content in life and not have the looming effect of PDparents on me. I'm not fully NC with PDex's PDsister yet, because of custody related reasons, but I'm going NC with ALL of PDex's PDfamily as well. They're all physically, mentally, and financially abusive.

I almost cried seeing the look on my son's face when our visit ended on mother's day and he had to return to his PDaunt & PDuncle. He looked scared...he looked terrified and started crying and screaming running back to brother's house[where I temporarily reside] trying to open the door. I've reported the PDaunt & PDuncle several times to DCS [ex. My son comes to visits with scabs, bruises, teeth stained, nails unkempt/long, etc from lack of care from paternal PDfamily] but nothing has been really done...except that they might put him in foster care if I keep complaining, and that scares me more, because I've heard of worse child abuse and I'll never be able to forgive myself. I might tell them of this experience of mother's day though... He'll be coming home soon in June though...

4. Anything else you'd like to add?
Not at this time no, I think I expressed everything for the time being...

[Miss Kay]

I was around 50 years old before I finally realized she would never change and I needed to get out to save myself.  I had one sister and 4 brothers.  My going NC angered my sister and two brothers so much they went NC with me.  The other two brothers totally understood and one of them went NC from our mom too.  He also lost contact with those siblings that sided with our mom.  That was 14 years ago!  She eventually died 8 years after I went NC (total NC).  I never saw or spoke to her again before her funeral.  I did go to the funeral just to see how I would feel and all I felt was freedom.  How long did it take me to heal?  I don't know that I ever will completely but I did finally realize it wasn't about me, it never was.  She had a personality disorder, a mental illness, or just evil, I don't know but I know I didn't cause her to be that way.  I was just lucky enough to be born into this family!  What helped me more than anything was coming to this site and reading a lot of the material.  I read one thing that described a narcists personality and it blew me away.  It was as if it was a report on my mom down to very specific things that I had no idea anyone else did.  It proved to me that she was driven and programed by this illness (or whatever it is) and she could not be anything other than what she was.  She was not reacting to me or anything I did or did not do.  She was reacting to her defective brain.  That allowed me to let go of a lot of the anger, and I stopped asking "why" she couldn't love me and why she wanted to constantly hurt me.  It also gave me the freedom to get on with my life without her since there was nothing I could do to fix it.  As for being rejected by the siblings, I figure they are the product of being raised and brain washed by our toxic mother.  I actually feel sorry for them because they have not progressed to the point where they know this is not normal behavior for a family.  What would I recommend?  I recommend you (as in anyone in this situation) realize you didn't cause this and you can't fix it so stop enabling them to sin against you.  Walk away without drama or hateful words.  Just say I love you but I can't live like this so please never contact me again, and mean it.  Do whatever it takes to totally and completely keep them out of your life and then get out there and be the person you were always meant to be if you hadn't had to deal with their damage all these years.       

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi Miss Kay,

Your insightful post gave me a lot to think about ... Especially when you mentioned that bit about being rejected by siblings and also letting go of the anger, since PDmother has a defective brain. It reminds me of my own PDmother...how I can never feel accepted by her nor loved. I gave up after awhile. She's been "love bombing" me whenever I started becoming more and more detached. She was NEVER loving in the past...EVER that it feels fake, and usually she wants/"needs" something in return.

I think I need the separation from my brothers at this point too, I'm tired of having to deal with dysfunction. To be honest, we've been all wanting to go our separate ways anyways based on different lifestyles and having to put up with one another.

I'm waiting to save money to get my own place to take a "social life" break and reevaluate people in my life and reflect on myself as well...

What would I recommend?  I recommend you (as in anyone in this situation) realize you didn't cause this and you can't fix it so stop enabling them to sin against you.  Walk away without drama or hateful words.  Just say I love you but I can't live like this so please never contact me again, and mean it.  Do whatever it takes to totally and completely keep them out of your life and then get out there and be the person you were always meant to be if you hadn't had to deal with their damage all these years.   

Thank you for your wonderful post.
I especially love the last bit.
I haven't been able to live my own life for a while now, and it's frustrating.
I'm (finally) employed again, and can save towards having my own place as well as car again. I'll be able to have my own peace of mind again.