Feelings of guilt with mom

[corn_flakes20]

Hi everyone i'm new here but I was scrolling through the forum and saw some really similar stories to mine and i was hoping to gain some insight.

First I'll start out by saying, I love my mom. We are (or should i say were) very close and I typically regarded her as the best mom in the world when I was younger. I used to feel as if nothing could separate me from her and that I would die for her if need be. It has always been just me and her in my primary household.

Growing up, I had some amazing but also not so good childhood memories. When I was 8 she got married to a verbally, financially, emotionally, physically  and mentally abusive man who is now her ex-husband (they were married for 4 years). Also before this we suffered the loss of her mom (my grandmother) who we were also pretty close with. Throughout these times, she always made sure I was safe and protected and would often go without to make sure that I had, and I am very appreciative of that.

Teenage years were a bit of a rollercoaster as I remember us having some pretty big arguments or disagreements, most of which would end up with me apologizing and being convinced that I was the one totally in the wrong. She often said I had an "attitude problem" but looking back, that would only be said if I did or said anything to defend myself during these heated moments. Nevertheless, we were still struggling financially during this time and I must be fair to her in saying that she did all that she could to make sure we had what we needed and trying to make things happy for us amidst the struggle.

Fast forward to age 19, I get in a relationship with my now boyfriend and it seems as if that this was the turning point of our relationship deteriorating to where it is now. Initially she was on board with him but also a bit on the fence because she felt as if he was mentally abusive towards me. I love my boyfriend and although we have our petty disagreements from time to time, it has never crossed the line into abuse. He treats me with the utmost respect and love and I'm so happy to be with him.

Early on into the relationship she got upset with him and he put his foot down with her after she started talking towards him in a not so good way. This was shocking to me as i've never even thought i'd have the guts to do that to her. Each time we got in a disagreement and she was yelling and screaming at me I had to put up and shut up and just take it. Often apologizing to her afterwards. But he did not do this and from that moment she did not like him at all.

From that point on, any disagreement me and her have, she ties it back to me "learning to disrespect her from him" and saying how by me getting in a relationship with him has caused her and I to slowly drift apart.

An important background to all of this is i'm 20 years old and became of covid and finances had to take a year off from university. During this time I lived with her and helped her run her business which is based at home. I enjoy helping her and often said I have no problem sacrificing my schooling to help her out. Although it hurt to see my friends go on and enjoy university life, I couldn't leave her to do things on her own as years before when I did and some not so good things happened for the business.

So this is all the background to what happened today. Both me and my boyfriend caught covid after attending a funeral for his aunt. The funeral was last week Saturday and today is Friday. I isolated at home with her for the entire week and I'm starting to feel a bit better but I still have a pesky cough that is lingering. So my boyfriend and I talk about possibly seeing each other since we both were sick and missed out on quality time. I know she might've had some concerns with me going by him as she's asthmatic and didn't want me to "catch anything and bring it back". So I let her know what I wanted to do, and I wanted to open the floor for discussion about it. Instead when I brought it up she immediately got angry and accused me of not caring about her health to even think about doing that. I tried to calm her down and say that's not the case and I just want to talk to her and she shouts at me "I. SAID. NO. END OF STORY." So obviously this disappointed me and I was just gonna let it go, but then I hear her in her room on the phone with my dad yelling and screaming that I don't care about her and how this is an elaborate and deliberate plan by my boyfriend to kill her. Even though I can hear this and it's breaking my heart, I just ignore it and stay in my room. Shortly after she hangs up with my dad, she barges in my room cussing at me, yelling and saying all kinds of mean and untrue things. It was at this point where I just snapped and I yelled and cussed back at her saying "how would you feel if I came at you saying f***, f***, f***? Don't talk to me like that and I have had enough!" she did not take this well at all and she came up in my face so I told her to stop and I ran out of the room into the hallway. She's still yelling at me saying things and even reaches for my laptop to break it. Out of anger I say to her "Stop f****** yelling at me and talk to me like a sensible person. You're crazy!" This is where she slapped me and my nose started to bleed because of it. It was at this point she called my dad and said that I need to stay by him because she can't take it anymore and that me and her relationship is over.

So my dad comes to pick me up and he's trying to comfort me throughout all of this but I feel immensely guilty for what happened. I feel like the relationship between me and her is destroyed and this tears me up inside. She said that a part of her died inside today after what I did and she doesn't think the relationship is repairable. She doesn't want me to come back there at all and I've reached out her over text to apologize for what I said and did but she's not taking it. I told her I deeply regret what happened and that throughout all of this I still love her and want the best for our relationship.

I feel like I messed up big time and there's no turning back now. Any advice on this would help. Thank you!

[NarcKiddo]

My advice to you is to read widely on this site to educate yourself on personality disorders and on FOG.

Your short synopsis of your life and the current situation does seem to point to a mother with a possible personality disorder who has had you all to herself until this boyfriend came along who she cannot bend to her will. She may fear that he will take you away from her and her preposterous over-reaction and accusing him of planning to kill her also points to that. My uNPD mother intensely dislikes my husband, as she cannot control him in any way, but we have now been married for over 30 years and she just has to tolerate him. She was very pleased when I considered divorce at one point, but interestingly enough the delight of her and my sister at the impending divorce was one of the factors that made me re-think.

Are you able to discuss her behaviour with your father while you are staying with him? You don't say why her relationship with him broke up and how long they were together, but he may have some valuable insight to give you now you are an adult.

It is not right for the child to sacrifice themselves and their happiness for the whims of a parent who, from my reading of your story, has not really done any more than their duty. Of course it is right to be grateful for what good a parent does, even if it is only their duty, but I am sad to hear that you are sacrificing your own schooling. It may be a financial necessity, of course, but you need to think clearly about the situation as a whole and put your guilt to one side as you do so. In particular, consider exactly what "not so good things" happened for the business when you stopped helping her before and whether they might have been in her control.

I am clearly coming at this from my own personal perspective and experience of a PD mother, so I could be off-base, but since you have found yourself here I am guessing that enough things resonate with you to make it at least a possibility that you also have one. It is certainly worth you considering this in detail. You might also consider not continuing to apologise to your mother. You have done so, and it may be interesting to see what her reaction is if she finds that for once you are not going to keep begging for forgiveness until she graciously grants it. I doubt she will want you to be away for long.

I wish you well.

[didntsignupforthis]

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through, corn_flakes20. If you haven't yet, I suggest you consider taking photos of your slapped face and bloodied nose. Maybe you think it wasn't a big deal, or it was an isolated incident, or that you would never press charges so there's no need for evidence of the assault. But the day may come when you will be very grateful that you gathered this evidence when you had the chance.

From what you wrote, it seems you said some things that you now regret, and you have apologized for them. It also seems your mother said some far worse things to you, as well as mean and untrue things about you and your boyfriend to your father. Has she apologized to you yet for her hurtful words? More importantly, has she apologized for striking you?

[corn_flakes20]

Thank you NarcKiddo for taking the time out to respond it means a lot.

The fact that she is unable to control my boyfriend or me by virtue of being with him is something that my boyfriend also pointed out as to why she is so angry at us. It seems as if the only way to make her happy is to break up with him.

I did talk to my dad about her, and one of the things that he pointed out to me was that he had always felt that she was always a bit of a "helicopter parent" to me, but of fear of her reaction when ever any form of criticism is given to her, he always remained silent about it. I haven't yet spoken to him on the exact reason or his version of the story as to why they broke up but I will when I get the chance.

I understand, you're right. School is important especially if I want to begin making strides towards being an independent adult and not having to rely on her so much. It's just the guilt that if the business fails because i'm not there that really kills me on the inside. But I will take things in the past into consideration. Thank you.

Yup, i've given her my apology but I will continue to leave it as that. She has since sent me messages on how i'm so disrespectful and I don't care about her but i'm just ignoring it. Mother's day is tomorrow and I will still give her the gift I had planned for her, but as far as begging for forgiveness goes, i'm no longer willing to do that.

[corn_flakes20]

Thank you didntsignupforthis for your reply

Yes, I did take pictures, but right now internally I don't think I could ever bring myself to pressing charges against her. I'm staying with my dad now and I just want to keep my distance so the chance of something like that ever happening again are slim to none. But you're right, having pictures is important because you never know.

No she hasn't apologized for the slap or the words, but has instead texted me bout how disrespectful I am and how I need to take this time that i'm away from her to reflect on my behavior. It seems as if she doesn't think she's in the wrong for any of this and thinks that i'm all wrong in this (as usual) and that i'm the only one who should be apologizing.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I now define her as my abuser and that I am her target of abuse.

I hope that you are OK and have got any medical attention that you need. It's sounds all very painful and traumatic for you.

Abusers are all about power and control.

No one should have to tolerate abuse.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have learnt a lot from her.

Being shouted at is abuse.

Hopefully you will learn to remain calm. I know it's not easy when you are being shouted at. We can't change anyone else's behaviour. We can only change and control our own. We have control over how we respond.

When people are being shouted at they can shout back. This can escalate out of control with each one getting louder and louder. Eventually, as you know, this can lead to violence.

When you are being shouted at adrenaline is released in your body. This leads to the fight, flight, faint, fawn or freeze response. Your body feels threatens so wants to protect itself from any more harm. It wants to either fight back, shut down or run away.

I hope that you can get some professional support.

Observe don't absorb.

I hope that you are safe where you are.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.