Validation!

[Penny Lane]

So in a very roundabout way I got a chance to hear what one of the most plugged-in moms at the kids' school thinks about us. And ... she totally gets it! She told a mutual friend that BM seems unstable and it seems like DH does everything for DSS and DSD. Which is EXACTLY right.

We know her, but not well, we certainly haven't shared anything at all about BM with her or for that matter any of the other parents at the school. This is all from observing DH at events, school drop offs, sports leagues, etc. And observing BM not being there, or showing up late or hungover, or etc etc etc.

I can't tell you how validating this is. DH has long worried that other moms will feel weird about sending their kid to his house when he was a single dad. He goes to events and he's often the only dad there, and he feels out of place. I too feel out of place as a stepmom who's a lot younger than a lot of them. I have long been afraid that BM is going to tell the other moms that DH is so abusive and terrible and they will stop letting their kids come over to our house.

But! At least some of the other parents really see what's going on!

We also recently had to see this friend of BM's and I was able to slip in some details about how much DH and I value family time and how we're trying to teach the kids responsibility, etc. I don't know that that totally undermines whatever narrative she's telling about us, but at least maybe they'll get a little doubt next time BM complains about how uninvolved DH is. (This isn't just an ego thing - BM's friends seem to rile her up and encourage her to react even more aggressively. So if they're like, hm, maybe the situation isn't quite as she says, they will be less likely to advocate for that kind of response.)

All in all, a good week in the PR campaign for DH's image around other parents.

[Stillirise]

I'm so glad to hear that you got some validation that all the work you and your dh have been doing has paid off.  I have found that other people sometimes notice more than we think. My experience has been that little to no explanation is needed for most people to understand.

I sometimes find myself in the opposite situation as your dh, especially with my DS...the only mom in a group of sports dads. It is occasionally awkward at 1st, but we figure it out pretty quickly.

I hope the both of you continue to receive positive feedback on the excellent job you're doing as parents, under less than ideal conditions!

[hhaw]

My oldest DD's best friend had a very present single dad doing all the heavy lifting at school and social events for his child. 

Before I picked a parent, I asked the school administrator which parent I should invest in......she said "the dad."

It was good advice and I never felt weird about sending my DD to stay at their house.

[Penny Lane]

Thanks to you both. This is very insightful:

I have found that other people sometimes notice more than we think. My experience has been that little to no explanation is needed for most people to understand.

And hhaw I'm glad there are parents out there who are fine with sending a kid to the dad's house. That's what he found too, once he got over the initial awkwardness. Now most of the kids' friends' parents don't even contact BM when trying to arrange a playdate or whatever.

Five years ago or even two years ago, I could not have dreamed how much better things would get for us and how good the kids' lives would be. I wish I could go back and tell my past self this, so I'm telling all of you instead!

[oak_tree]

That's great, PL!

It can be so hard to just keep doing your thing while the uNPD says or does whatever they want with seemingly no consequences. To see that there are consequences is...validation, like you said. Really happy for you

OT

[athene1399]

This has been something that SO has struggled with as well. BPD BM has told others how abusive he is so he kind of kept to himself at school events because he was afraid of what others thought. I am so glad you were able to get this validation. 😀

[verum71]

Happy for you - this is great!  I am a single father as well and my daughter is soon to be 15.  I know that feeling of being the only dad around when you are trying  your best to be present and consistently there.  When I am able to chat with my oldest son (who is soon to be 23), he has shared with me (as an adult now) that he was aware how hard I worked to keep him out of the drama and be there to support him.  It took quite a few years to get there for him, but it was very validating to hear him say it.