Stay or go, this is going to take awhile.

[FuzzyBunny]

Hello everyone. 9 yr marriage with a person that has NPD traits. I am loyal, high morals and caring. Think this is exactly the type of person that fits them. I am below average looking but a better than average earner who works hard. She is a 10. Extrovert. If she is at a party or dance, you would notice her. Everyone does. Smile that would slay anyone. She made it seem she was doing extremely well but later I found out she was just about broke.
She was caught cheating once, I left, hoovered back (bombarded with texts, calls, etc).
Reading information here and watching Dr. Ramani videos I wobble between, is it me? is it her? is this real? what if I am wrong? Which now is do I stay or do I go?
Not bothered by the idea of the next guy because there are probably several "next guys" I do not know about. For me the worst hell in the world would be living alone so currently, this is a step. A small step above hell. I find myself looking at her photos over the last 9 years and get drawn back into the, I can stay a bit longer. There is no real depth to the relationship. No problem solving. Secrets. Lies. Anger. Silent treatments. Every once in awhile she throws me a tidbit, but not often.
Have followed the advice about not sharing what I know about NPD with her. I can see how this would go volcanic.
Recently she shared about her first partner. She didnt use these words but it sounded like "love bombing", then he was at fault, I gather this is after she stop the love bombing, he cheated on her, which was probably after she refused having any sex with him, he found another girl and left. Then my wife told me she did everything she could think of to get him back and she did. He went back and gave up his girlfriend and then my wife totally trashed him verbally for weeks until her left. After my wife went threw all this I was wondering why she would tell me all this. She had no emotion either happy or sad talking about how she treated him after she hoovered him back. I think we came back together because I had value ($$$$).
Better off staying or going. Yet in the end, I believe she will discard me.

[blunk]

Hi FuzzyBunny, I'm so sorry to read about your situation. From all that you described, I can confidently say, it isn't you. Just the fact that you have asked yourself that question shows that you are capable of self-reflection. One of the things that I felt helped me most after joining Out of the FOG was to review the Top 100 traits list. I even printed it, starred the most prevalent ones, and made notes in the margins. I was even able to be honest with myself, and admit that I had exhibited a couple of those traits.

Please forgive me if I am wrong, but it sounds to me like you are staying mostly because you do not want to live alone.

Not bothered by the idea of the next guy because there are probably several "next guys" I do not know about.

For me the worst hell in the world would be living alone so currently, this is a step. A small step above hell.

There is no real depth to the relationship.

No problem solving. Secrets. Lies. Anger. Silent treatments.

Every once in awhile she throws me a tidbit, but not often.

I think we came back together because I had value ($$$$).

I believe she will discard me.

I'm sure that there is more to the relationship than the few paragraphs typed here can convey. However, there is nothing in what I read that describes a positive aspect to this relationship...cheating, lying, silent treatment, no depth, being used, no problem solving, only infrequent tidbits of attention, telling you how she manipulated others. Perhaps it would be worth making a list of the positives and negatives in your relationship.

Nobody can make the decision for you as to whether you should stay or leave, but reading your words, it sounds like you already know the right path...even if it is a scary one.

[Starboard Song]

I am super impressed that everyone is beginning with this important truth: especially in a marriage, we can never say here in this little internet world whether you should stay or go. That is a highly complex issue that goes way beyond our general understanding of PDs.

I also agree with the others: you are clearly self-aware and willing to ask these questions. The agreed upon facts are that she has cheated on you, probably many times, and she described a history of abusive love-bombing in her own words.

If you have no kids, now is exactly the right time to think long and hard about your next steps. All these decisions become way different when children are involved, so please consider ensuring you don't get kiddo #1 while you work through this.

Either way, user nailed it so hard it hurts: being without a lover is not being "alone," and we all deserve the strength to weather times of solitude, as much as we all want love and affection. Digging into that a little, as user suggests, and working on yourself a bit, will put you in a better place for whatever comes next.

Whether she has a PD or not, it sounds like your wife has chronic toxic traits. You'll either need to manage those, and accept the unmanageable parts, or take a different route. I wish you all the best. Don't feel rushed to make a binary decision today.

[FuzzyBunny]

Thank you for writing. Huge help and I do not feel alone. Years ago I started keeping a journal of the plus / minuses of our time together.
We had had two major moments in our 9 years that stand out. The first was her getting caught cheating and me leaving / getting hoovered back. The second started a month ago when we were partying at a friends house and she invited a couple I had never met before. Guess she had been seeing them when I was away working. She was love bombing him. The little touches, smiles, eyes, etc. We met them 3 more times after this at private parties and she was grinding him / touching etc and I stepped in. Boom. Volcanic for a couple of weeks. She knew I was ready to call it over and she started on how we were meant to be, yada yada. Of course I suspect she is now busy trying to line up another in case I do leave.
Yesterday she was ruthless in "trying" to upset me. From the moment she started I knew where this was going. She blamed my "jealousy" on stopping her grinding / touching / love bombing a new "friend" of hers, she added in a few more items for good measure. Sounded like she was ready to kick me out. I stayed silent and was thinking I was okay with that. The morning came, she did a 180 as I expected. Gave me a 10 minute back rub (in 9 years, this was a first) and then was pushing herself on me for an intimate moment (first time she was the aggressor since the first few months of love bombing). Of course that rubbed her the wrong way. She wrote her grocery list on the handmade birthday card I gave her and then made supper for herself. None of this upsets me. I take everything she says and does and try to find the why and where she was going.
I feel I am pretty tuned in to her manipulations. How I feel? The emotional bond between us is weakening and I am pretty sure the cost for her to get so little attention from me in return is going to drive her to a new partner. She keeps talking about us, being together for our future which means more property etc. She is selling it real hard and that tells me she is sensing her hold on me is weakening and that girl just wants to have fun.

[FuzzyBunny]

She tried everything to get me upset last night. I was listening to my music and happy. Very happy. Then she switched to trying her most to get my attention. This is after she was raging earlier that I was genuinely happy and enjoying my music.
Today is a special day for me and she woke up to me happy and listening to music. She is going out of her way to create unhappiness during my special day.

Dr. Ramani when a NPD knows that you know i read yesterday. I look at it as as they are an attention junkie. When they are not getting their fix, they amp things up a touch and know something has changed. Thanks to this site and the videos I am much more self aware of myself and her.
Happy to say I appear to be at the point where her actions and words I can equate a reason as to her behavior. She is raging inside and a bit outside that I am happy on my special day and now all the drama and destroyed other special occasions by her now make sense.
Today will be a long long long day, yet a happy one. She is giving me something to compare with when I go to work (i work away from home).

[Starboard Song]

Fuzzy,

This may be a long journey, but you are on it. Good for you.

Have an outstanding day, and keep reflecting on all this.

[escapingman]

Fuzzy,

From the day I decided I wanted to divorce my uNPDw until I finally got her out of the house I had a terrible struggle with her as she ramped it up more and more until it was so unbearable that the only way forward was to apply to court to have her removed. It took me 2 years of having made the decision of divorce until I finally told her and applied for it, I am on year down the line and are still fighting her with lawyers as she wants it all.

I know what you are going through, but the peace when the uNPD is at an arms length is priceless so the fight is worth it. Good luck and stay strong (and sane).

[FuzzyBunny]

Taking some time to think about myself and pay attention to what is going on around me. Not looking at one or two incidents or words, both good and bad. Taking time to not over think things but not ignore either.

[FuzzyBunny]

Have a journal of the major incidences in our relationship. These would be the major speed bumps.
Today started a journal to capture all the minor things such as the silent treatment (woke up to this one), gaslighting, lies, double speak, attempts to push the boundaries, etc.
In the beginning these minor things would be major red flags to the relationship. Over time they have become normal and common place.

She has changed a lot and is showing much more red flags which means I must have changed in some ways. She is highly perceptive to my moods, etc. Recently has gone overboard with attention towards me and of course she is spending more energy on having to treat me better which causes her to also try and punish me more. The highs are getting higher and the lows are getting lower.
The trained professionals are spot on.
They are amazing though. Highly perceptive of their surroundings and their partners. She gave up smoking in a day when she met me. She knew I would never chose a smoker. She can starve herself to keep her figure. She can still fit into her clothes she wore at 20. All her school mates are in awe, especially the other women from her school. There is nothing that she can not teach herself and when she learns something it is at a pro level. She could easily set up her own restaurant or other businesses.

[escapingman]

Fuzzy,

One observation from your last post. You said "she she she" a lot. What about you?

PDs want the entire world to revolve around them. They want to take up residence in our lives and even our minds, and have us constantly thinking about them.

To me, it would be a freeing exercise for you to write more about yourself, and less about her.

Think about yourself, not in relation to her.

What do you want for your future? What are your hopes and dreams? Who is FuzzyBunny without her?

I wonder if you could go an entire day not thinking about her once. What would that look like?

This is hard, it's a slow process, but it can be freeing to realize we have a life without that person.

100%, change the focus from her to you. I rarely think of STBX now and my life is so much better, I however bumped in to her today and my entire system was shattered for hours.

[FuzzyBunny]

Who am I? I have always lived through my partners. They have all been extremely beautiful, charismatic, clever, sharp dressers and extroverts. I am an extreme introvert. When I am out alone I feel invisible. When my wife is walking with me, I feel alive. Some people are not meant to live alone. Over the course of my life I have tried living alone several times and it is not a happy experience. Longest is 6 months alone. How I felt on day 1 is the same as on the last day alone.
Have taken more than a couple university human science courses and at one point considered majoring in psychology. None of that is a bonus to me at the moment. Red flags were recognized at the beginning 9 years ago. The love bombing was intense and sustained for half a year. Always felt inside that there was more to her story but I think I didn't want to look. Didn't want to actually deal with what I knew. Anxiety for me is caused when the heart and the head are on opposite ends and I knew from past relationships the head is always correct. Before I came to this site I was having intense dreams. Waking up in night sweats and all the dreams were dealing with us. Her extreme flirting with another man in front of me over multiple nights has changed our relationship. She now is very worried that I will leave and has gone out of her way to show me more attention. To her I am a potential father and the supporter of the family.
When we had our crisis moment three years ago she collapsed on the floor and kept on saying to herself over and over again, "I need to be in control". Pretty sure I knew where this would lead but refused to deal with it. The flirting a couple of weeks ago has made changes in my behavior and she senses this. I am not afraid or worried if she decides to end our marriage. However, I am no where near the point to walk away. Do I have a plan "B", certainly, if needed it is there. It is a comfortable and safe plan.