Discarding Children After They Become Young Adults?

[Starboard Song]

So, I'm not sure about this one.

We saw that my son was always treated like he was maybe half to 2/3 his age by my MIL. I don't mean the misses caused because a grandparent is very old and a little out of touch. I mean treating him in ways that were plainly beneath his age.

This usually meant expecting him to watch movies, play with toys, or do activities with her that he might have like 3 to 6 years earlier. It was like she had a lifetime supply of felt and popsicle sticks, and dammit, it was his job to do arts and crafts until they were gone. She had cartons of crayons and gallons of bubble-stuff, and 12-year-old grandson needed to stop playing chess and get back to drawing on the driveway.

We went NC when he was just about to turn 13, and that was almost 8 years ago.

Recently, we were thinking about how she also sort of infantilized her cats, and expected them to stay kittens, and discarded them a bit when they didn't.

So now we are wondering. Do you all who stuck around see PD grandparents tending to discard grandkids after they come of age, or is this not really a thing?

[Jolie40]

well PD parent discarded our child from the beginning since I was SG
my guess is ignoring our child was a "hit" to me

PD parent didn't come to several of child's b'day parties
once she replied by email that others in family were coming but not her
no excuse.....often the excuse was "I'm sick"
somehow she never, ever missed other grandkid b'days
one time I held it at one of her favorite restaurants cause she always showed up there for other grandkids
dad came in, looked at me, & said "she's not coming" no excuse given

then we found out that sleep overs had happened yearly as a tradition before school started
ALL grandkids were invited except our child
finally our child was invited to ONE as a last minute invite right before about to start
apparently, finally someone said "where's our child!"
this really stinks leaving our kid out of sleepovers

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-husband (so a father, not a grandparent) did not discard our children as they entered their pre-teen years and continuing on, but he did withdraw from them, me, and the marriage starting then. I don't know whether this was coincidence. It did seem to me that he struggled with being a parent when our children's needs, age appropriately so, became more emotional and less physical. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

My parents definitely did this to me. Buying preteen and teenage me stuff that was clearly too young for me as far as clothes and toys go. Denying me stuff only to "give in" when I had outgrown it anyway and then having a hissy fit I was less than impressed. I didn't stick around long enough to see if it would be repeated with my kids, but signs were there. Like gifting play dough to an eight year old. But that was more because she disapproved of play dough and it was such a terrible mess and I NEVER...?!? That one was a spite gift.

[moglow]

Mommie dearest rejected her own and everyone else early on, the instant anything was asked or expected of her. She frequently confused birthdays and when corrected was LIVID that you'd dare even suggest she had it wrong.

She was the same with pets actually - rejected them when anything was needed from her. Countless pets went away over the years with no real explanation other than she found them a home. She did that very thing recently in fact, messaged my brother out of the blue to advise he needed to take her dog to [aunt's] house, that mother couldn't take care of him anymore [far as I know all she'd ever done was let him out to potty - no playing, no toys, rare baths or vet visits]. Brother was given incorrect direction to said aunt's house and mother didn't even go along for the ride. Dog was dismissed, she was done.

[treesgrowslowly]

My PD parents were good at this. It was yet another way their denial manifested. Denial that their kids were growing up.

For years after I was no longer a teen, I still got gifts related to what I liked as a teen.

Therapist explained that it is because they don't see others as individuals separate from themselves.

They got more supply when kids were younger, so there's that too. Typically the older we kids and grandkids get, the less supply we offer compared to when we were small and easier to manipulate.

Also because a narcissist is stunted emotionally in their own development, I don't think they appreciate when others have developed and grown up.

To them the whole concept of growth is unfamiliar. A child who used to play in the sandbox can't possibly grow into someone who now plays chess....they don't see things as they are, they have a distorted sense of what we would call reality (ie kids grow up).

Yep. Narc grandparents discard. I came to terms with that. I was discarded by the narcissists in my family before I thought I had "gone NC" with them. Reality is, I was discarded.

Once I wasn't small and cute anymore they had no interest in me. No real attachment. No concern. Total discard. Never looked back. No interest in how I was doing. None.

The Narc grandparents only liked us when we were small. It's sad that for a long time I thought that was love, not knowing any differently until I got Out of the FOG. Loving grandparents don't discard their grandkids. IMHO.  For years and years I honestly believed I had done something to cause them to lose interest in me. IMHO it's better for grandkids not to be put through that if at all possible.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

Now that I think about it from the perspective of the grandchild, my grandparents did this to me. I was discarded completely. They never had much interest in me, but once they no longer had school to ask me about, and I married someone of another ethnicity, and my sons would not bear the family name (my aunt had sons but wasn't married, so that worked for them), that was it.

They never left the house. But once they got caller ID in my young adulthood, they never picked up the phone when I called again. I was functionally NC with them for years before I went NC my parents. I was only dragged along to see them when I was visiting my parents. At which time they barely interacted with me.

My parents would call me "fickle" and "impossible" when my tastes would change. I suppose it really did take them years to take on board that I was into the Backstreet Boys, so that by the time I got a cd for Christmas they were thrilled to find it was in the discount section, and furious that I had moved on. They never made the connection. My father listened to the same music in his 50s that he did in his teens.

[treesgrowslowly]

I am so sorry you are having this realization too Call me Cordelia.

My grandparents used religion as an excuse for why they were unhappy with me as I got older, and so for years I thought oh I guess that was that. But really, it was a narc discard on their part.

Being ghosted and discarded and gaslight was so common in my FOO that their behaviours didn't even register as discards until I thought about it - as a grandkid all we did was grow up. That was our big crime...

It was up to them to care about us even after we stopped liking the Backstreet Boys!! 

So sorry you went through this crap too. Hugs to you.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thanks, Trees. I 100% agree with you that it's better for kids not to be put through this, but to be honest with you the discard was a relief. I only called because my father insisted on it anyway, so I could honestly say I did call when he demanded to know when I had last spoken to his parents. I never questioned why they avoided my calls, which is a bit out of character for me. It was a big improvement over the old-age groaning and awkward silences!

I have a friend whose narcissistic parents started fostering babies only, overtly stated they did so because it was the most satisfying age and then by the time they grew a bit older they would be placed for adoption and then they could get another baby! I always thought that was super weird, even though I was still in the FOG at that time.

[NarcKiddo]

Neither I nor my sibling have kids so I can't comment on whether my uNPD mother would have discarded them. I have a feeling she probably would not have. She is so desperate for supply that she does not drop people easily. Even people she has fallen out with are sometimes dragged back into the fold if they are willing. The ones who don't come back are probably the ones who ran screaming for the hills.

She does not find young children particularly endearing and she completely abused her total power over us. She did treat us as if we were younger than we were, especially me, in some ways. That said I was also parentified from an early age and more so as I got older. It would not be easy to escape her clutches.

[Cat of the Canals]

My PDmom desperately wanted me to stay a child when I hit puberty. She forbid me from doing basic hygiene tasks that are normal for a teenage girl (shaving my legs and wearing a bra, for example). She bought me gifts and clothes I would have worn when I was half the age I was (cutesy legging and sweater sets for a 14 year old????). She forced me to continue taking music lessons for the instrument she chose for me when I was four all through high school, even though it was clear I had zero interest in it (and had in fact formed musical interests of my own, which could have fulfilled her demand that we be active in such pursuits).

It was when I was leaving for college that I went through my first true discard cycle (or the first I can remember). She hated that she was losing control and resented the independence I'd have.

[Andeza]

Once I hit 14 uBPDm did the least she possibly could with my homeschooling. She basically checked out, only bothering to grade stuff and no longer supervising my video lessons. Cue the 2x play through while doing homework at the same time to finish school for the day super early and retreat to books and video games.

My updmil has stated outright that she preferred playing with her grandkids before they started getting minds of their own. And she teaches a grade in elementary specifically because the kids at that age still love and respect their teachers.

They don't know how not to be the center of attention.

[Srcyu]

As a young teenager I was frequently told, 'you used to be so nice.'

Like Andeza said, she had a favourite age group and that was around the age of ten. This was the era when she most bought me things - latest toys and all that.

Once I became a teenager I was well and truly discarded.
Neglect was deeply entrenched and ongoing.

[Pepin]

YES!!!

I am stunned that you have brought to light something that we have also dealt with.  CN MIL literally discarded the adult children throughout the extended family when she realized they were too intelligent for her and she became very quiet around them.  She didn't have the capacity to converse with them on any level other than to offer food.  Ugh!  Nasty cheap ice cream was the best she could do.  She was unable to ask even the simplest of conversation questions -- and this blew my mind.  She had no interest in what any of the extended family grandkids were doing or what they were up to.

When the extended family grandkids were younger, CN MIL wasn't the sort of Grandma to take them shopping, out to lunch or the movies.  She couldn't take them out to do anything because that was too confusing for her.  Visiting with her meant visiting at her home and playing with what she had (junk toys) and watching TV.  Even walking to the park was too hard.  She watched some of the grandkids (not ours) and they all stayed indoors the whole damn day.  All they did was eat, play, watch TV and drive each other crazy.  Seemed that she only liked them when they were small and needed to be fed.

CN MIL definitely retreated to waifdom when she understood that the extended family grandkids rolled their eyes at her waify antics.  It's just one of those dumb games PDs like her play for attention.