Frustration -- again

StartingHealing · April 21, 2022, 10:38:34 AM

Hello y'all

I'm frustrated again. Seems like it's a common thing. WpD, Feels like going around and around the same old crap. Been working on myself, learning about PD's, learning how to effectively communicate, and the tool box, and there are times that I'm getting really tired of the same old song and dance.

Currently, wPD is having an episode where everything and everyone is against her. Everything sucks, working on being depressed, staying in the house, and starting the shaming / picking / basically it's all my fault.

I'm not yet at the point where I'm ready to separate from her due to financial and honestly my own stubbornness because I'm not seeing where I've done everything that I possibly can. No, I'm not talking about co-dependency stuff, but I feel like I haven't yet gotten to the 50% of the relationship yet. If that makes any sense.

Anybody else have waves like this?

Cheers

Starboard Song · April 21, 2022, 10:54:11 AM

Quote from: StartingHealing on April 21, 2022, 10:38:34 AM
I'm not yet at the point where I'm ready to separate from her due to financial and honestly my own stubbornness because I'm not seeing where I've done everything that I possibly can. .... I feel like I haven't yet gotten to the 50% of the relationship yet.

Anybody else have waves like this?

Our crisis was with my in-laws, not a spouse. But yeah: your description makes tons of sense. There seems to be a pattern people follow. They slowly limit the types of communication and degree of honesty, trying to avoid blowups. The PD sees this and resents it. Communications get further strained and limited, as we cordon off more and more topics as too-hot-to-touch. Occasional silent treatments or crisis outbursts arise. They get more frequent or longer. And then one day BOOM! It all comes crashing down and we hit NC.

Seems to me that you can go down that path fast or slow depending on your use of the toolbox techniques. You can even stop the journey mid-way, or even backup a little, in some cases. So NC is not inevitable. We have people here who found that nothing less could create peace. But others maintain self-described loving relationships through very dedicated use of descalation and self-care tactics.

For me, that degrading journey helps us make moral sense of separation or NC. And knowing that you took full responsibility for your 50% of the relationship is important. Knowing you took care of yourself at least 51% of the time. Knowing that you separated their stuff from your stuff. When, after all that, you still can't make it work -- if you can't -- I feel like it eases the moral qualms many of us feel about separation and NC.

Our crisis occurred when we were only a little ways into that journey. And the crisis was a perfect storm that allowed no backsies and no negotiation. We went straight to NC without passing go, pretty much. Skipping so many steps, jumping right past educated attempts at boundaries and such, that has left a scar on me that I wouldn't have if things had been different, and we'd been able to demonstrate that boundaries would fail and we had no other options.

Good luck to you on your journey. Do realize it is an open field, not a fenced-in track.

Be good. Be strong.

StartingHealing · April 21, 2022, 01:31:52 PM

Thanks for the words of encouragement / perspective Starboard Song. I appreciate it.

StartingHealing · April 22, 2022, 09:08:03 AM

Yep, she had a episode. Saw it coming this time so I was better prepared than the last time. She's been withdrawing into the house, doesn't go do anything since people laugh at her when she is out in public. And she doesn't want to go do things by herself anyway.

It's almost like she is expecting me to provide her entertainment.

She said the typical for her stuff. Mentioned that ultimately she doesn't see us working out, divorce threat, demanding (future) that there is a skoolie. yeah, part of the reason I'm in school is to get into an area where I can work remote and convert a school bus and travel while I'm young enough to enjoy, you know? Instead of waiting till 65, 66, 67

She also mentioned that we are nothing more than roommates. Also that she is stuck. but yet...

She does have a physical disability that limits what she can do. it was a workplace accident. It's 1 leg. But she refuses to learn anything computer related, or how to use social media to market (she does make wallets / purses out of cork fabric) buttttt here again, she's "done" with it because of a person that used to be in charge of a pop up market that we would go do.

F-ing difficult to have a loving relationship when there isn't room for 2 people. Round about way to say that everything is always about her. Enmeshment anyone? I mean seriously? I have to be with her in public so she feels "safe" from other people laughing at her? Literally. her words

not to mention that I'm supposed to be the "man" and direct everything / plan everything.

There are things she can do. Have all the stuff for stained glass, (which was her idea) and .... She doesn't do that.

Doesn't walk our dog since she's afraid of other dogs that are either loose or off leash.

Drama, always drama about some one or some thing.

Meanwhile, I'm supposed to be responsible for everything.

I admit that the money situation is also a little tight since we are in process of updating the house. And since there is some impulse control issues with her, money that could have been used to go out to dinner, or other things, gets spent on items that could be considered to be necessary, if it was a replacement for something broken, worn out, etc.

Trying to figure out how to get some boundaries on money.

I grieved so hard yesterday before her episode. I didn't do the usual cry with tears etc, but this was more primal where it was a "keening" almost screaming without the throat damage..

I know that I'm making progress. Letting go of what was / should have been / with grieving and mourning, so I can get to a point where I can fully accept the current situation at face value and take appropriate actions.

StartingHealing · April 22, 2022, 11:49:21 AM

Hello y'all,

I've noticed as I have been grieving that there is a lot of anger. It seems that part of it is from the feeling of being betrayed. Because at the beginning.. It was really good. But there were warning signs that I didn't see at the time. But now.. It's like the old bait and switch thing.

Anybody else relate to this?

1footouttadefog · April 23, 2022, 09:25:43 AM

I am sorry to read you have so many challenges to your marriage.

If I have learned one thing here at Out of the FOG in the 10 plus years I have been here it's this: Sometimes our PDs tell us exactly who they are and their truth. It's then a matter of whether we are willing to accept the truth or keep striving to get back the false person we fell in Love with.

She has expressed her truth about the relationship. If her disability does not effect her ability to think and express herself it should be part of the truth she told you when she said she does not see it working out etc etc etc.

As for the money, I would get a separate account for the bill money to go into then move some portion of the expendable income into the joint account. This protects you and your credit from her impulse control. You might also consider a life lock account to protect yourself from new lines of credit being created.

StartingHealing · April 25, 2022, 11:23:12 AM

Quote from: 1footouttadefog on April 23, 2022, 09:25:43 AM
I am sorry to read you have so many challenges to your marriage.

If I have learned one thing here at Out of the FOG in the 10 plus years I have been here it's this: Sometimes our PDs tell us exactly who they are and their truth. It's then a matter of whether we are willing to accept the truth or keep striving to get back the false person we fell in Love with.

She has expressed her truth about the relationship. If her disability does not effect her ability to think and express herself it should be part of the truth she told you when she said she does not see it working out etc etc etc.

As for the money, I would get a separate account for the bill money to go into then move some portion of the expendable income into the joint account. This protects you and your credit from her impulse control. You might also consider a life lock account to protect yourself from new lines of credit being created.

Thanks for the perspective. I don't know at this time if she actually stated her truth or not during this major outburst. If she was saying all of this when calm, instead of wide open shouting? Where is the line between projecting and emotional truth with a BPD? Is her statement that she feels that I'm the one responsible for her PD accurate? That her feelings of being a wounded victim by actions of people that she chose to be around accurate?

I'm taking my time. Learning a new way of behaving does take some time.

I'm also learning how to stand up for myself. What I noticed is that when I did, she started to change what she was saying. Perhaps that is from her fear of abandonment, since I cannot read her mind, all I can go off of is what her behaviors are. And do my best at understanding what her emotions are at the moment.