Advice Please: Do I Break 12 years of NC w/ uNPD father for my sisters wedding?

[ablazesleuth]

My brother and I went NC with my uNPD dad about 12 years ago – my sister is getting married in July and I really don't want to go, but feel I should to a) support my mom who also doesn't want to see my dad, and b) be there for my sister at her wedding.

For those who broke NC after a significant amount of time, what was your experience like?

My brother and I ultimately went NC with my dad after a small argument blew up and he sent us a 25-page letter (single-spaced!) on how we were wrong, how he's always supported us, we're ungrateful and all the wonderful things he did for us growing up - typical stuff everyone here has heard all too well.

My brother and I have a somewhat strained relationship with our sister – she understands we don't talk to him, but prefers to remain naïve in not understanding why. She either truly doesn't understand it or doesn't want to. She's getting married in July with ~50 guests. My dad will be there and is now confined to a wheelchair. My brother is going with his wife (sans kids to avoid our dad from meeting them) and is committed to almost a prepared speech when he sees our dad. I am very hesitant to go  - not because he might say something hurtful, but rather, I'm afraid that seeing him will trigger all the emotional trauma I've worked so long to move past, come rushing back. I can't go back to being in that headspace and for the sake of my wife and kids, don't want to risk it. I'm also a lot more emotionally susceptible to the situation than my brother is.

Advice: I want to be there for my brother and mom, so I'm considering driving my mom to/from the wedding to support her, but not to actually attend. Aside from my sister's wedding, I don't see any other time I would see my dad, who is already 82 years old.

Perhaps I already know what the best route to take is and this post is more of a validation request from this community. But perhaps, I'm just still not entirely sure.

Best.

[bloomie]

ablazesleuth - hi there and welcome! I am so glad you reached out for support as you consider what decision is best for you regarding this invitation to your sister's wedding.

Your reasons to go are important and valid. Your reasons to limit to what extent you engage (driving your mom) or going for the entire event are also important and valid.

What I can say from personal experience with these kinds of decisions... it has always been best for me to make the decision that aligns most closely with my core values and priorities.

NC with a high conflict family member of my own, it is has been impossible to completely avoid us both attending any larger family gathering (weddings/funerals) unless I simply refuse to go anywhere he could possibly be, ever. Though rare, there have been these types of moments and what I have learned from the less than handful of times is that he simply no longer has any power over me. That has helped me realize how far I have come and how much I have healed.

Like you, I have continued to do my work, equip myself, heal, grow strong, and I refuse to take one single solitary step back into the chaos and abyss loving this person and recovering from this person was. It is really good to see that you realize that if to go to this wedding is about your needs, your sister, your mom, your brother and celebrating with them in whatever way is best. Not your uHPD dad.

Whatever you decide... and there is no wrong decision, you will be empowered by it because you are stepping into the fullness of your own life and making the decisions that are right for you and your family.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have not been in contact with her for over two years. I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. I never want to see her ever again.

I have often thought about if her adult children ever get married would I attend. I worry about something that hasn't even happened yet.

I have nightmares and ruminating thoughts about meeting her again. I have vivid flashbacks about all the decades of traumatic events where she has been acting out and raging. I can identify as living with CPTSD.

Trust your gut. Don't listen to your head or your heart as they can lie to you. You need to do whatever it is that makes you feel safe. You need to put your needs first.

As your father is in a wheelchair he will have limited mobility and perhaps would be less likely to ambush you unexpectedly. If he is being pushed around it would be up to someone else to manoeuvre him about. Hopefully you would be able to avoid him more easily than if he were walking.

Just reading your post has triggered me. I'm imaging all sorts of different scenarios if I had to meet my sister at a wedding. I hope I would remain calm and employ Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques or just ignore her. She would probably be using smear campaigns and making false allegations about me claiming to be the victim to others there rather than the abuser that I now define her as. She no doubt would be trying to provoke me into anger with her. I now know her games and tactics.

The best way is to be indifferent and to not feed the narcissistic supply by remaining calm.

If you decide to go have a plan in place. Ask people that you trust to be by your side at all times so that you are never alone. Rehearse beforehand something you might say, if anything at all. Keep it short and calm. Be bland and boring.

Observe don't absorb.

Whatever you decide to do will be the right decision for you. You need to look after yourself as no one else can do that for you. You may decide to send your best wishes from afar and not attend.

Abusers are all about power and control. You may decide that your father no longer has any power and control over you and won't let him dictate what you want to do.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She has often covered the topic of family gatherings and having to meet your abuser.

Many people in this forum have a similar dilemma. They put in firm boundaries to keep themselves safe but may have to have contact with their abuser either intentionally or by accident. I often wonder how I would react if I met my sister by accident. I would be pleasant and calm and quickly walk away. I purposely avoid going to places where she might go as she lives nearby.

You may like to see a therapist for advice and discuss your issues with them.

I wish you well and hope you can make a decision that you are truly happy with.