On crusades day after day

[Prototypian]

My uOCPDw has a crusade.  That's what I call the focus she has.   It's external to our home and related to both volunteer work and her role as an elected official (unpaid).  Out of 10 nights she will be out 9.  The focus is all encompassing with checking social media, rallying supporters, updating things, refusing to miss meetings or events.   

I've started to wonder if a lot of people involved in local politics are PD either narcissists or ocpd or something else.   When there is an election there is now no end to the effort to host forums, candidate meet and greet events, debates and other opportunities and my spouse doesn't miss a single one.   I don't see this level of passion among any other type of hobby.  Athletes workout but then take their rest days.   Educators teach and prepare materials but then have days off.  In my own career I work to have vacations that are meaningful.

I'm rambling but to her it's a "crusade against the forces of darkness".  She can't let them win.  I know I'm not in this mode but I don't want to solve this problem and fight these people, I want to have a nice home and enjoy my family.

[Poison Ivy]

I think it's likely that in politics, as in most lines of work, some people are narcissists or have other personality disorders but most aren't and don't.

[Kat54]

I think in my opinion most people in a public role is a narcissist. Not all narcissists are bad in being a PD, there are different levels of narcissism. 

Your wife from What you say doesn't know the word relaxation and working to take meaningful vacations.

[escapingman]

I wouldn't say most politicians where Narcs and PD, but I would hazard a guess that most politicians that "make it" are as they will have to be ruthless to get to the top of the food chain. But that would be same with many professions, to make it to the absolute top you need to ruthless. Maybe I am just getting very paranoid over the entire PD thing now and suspect everyone and their dog for being PD. 

[Prototypian]

I don't think it's the politics that is the PD behavior at all.   My spouse just won't miss events or meetings related to this.   Because she is on a local school board and the district has two high schools, 6 middle schools and 10 elementary schools she does not ever miss a single meeting for any PTA organization for any grade.   Not for vacations, not for holidays, not under any circumstances.   And some have these meetings monthly.   None of the other oliticians do that.   She is also always the first to arrive and the last to leave.

I'm one of "those" people who likes to volunteer with a hammer or trash bags.   If an organization needs someone to show up on the weekend and build the stuff for the community fest or clean up the park, I'm there and the moment it's over I'm outta there.   I don't want to know the details or the politics and never want to lead.  I don't begrudge anyone wanting to be the organizat but for my spouse, the concern is always "what if I miss something critical" and as such we don't travel, we don't clean our home and we don't take care of things like picking up the kids etc.   This would all be ok if I was allowed to do some of the stuff but I'm not only not allowed, I'm forbidden from doing anything even on or to my own things.   I can't take a vacation alone for fear of "doing it wrong" or choosing the wrong hotel.   So we never go.  You might ask, why don't you just go.   The answer is that the violent, angry and passive aggressive anger can last years when one chooses to do something like that.   I can't take that.   

But her crusades and politics keep us from doing other things.

[BeautifulCrazy]

 Jsinjin, I have similar experience with the day after day crusades of an OCPD. Also with their importance being irrationally prioritized by the pwPD over everything else.

WARNING: One of my buttons has been pressed here!! This is likely to be a long and non-linear read! I might also rant a bit and possibly commit other forum crimes. I'm sorry. 

My OCPDh is not into politics. But any current personal crusade and his perfectly average job take precedence over EVERYTHING in his life that is not those things. He prides himself on NEVER turning down overtime. And he likes to brag that he does not miss work for any "selfish personal reasons". The definition of "selfish personal reasons" is known only to him. It is true, he will not schedule time off work for his family or children, though he will schedule half a day or more to attend a funeral for someone he barely knew.
Like your suspected OCPD spouse, Jsinjin, mine is first on the job and last one to leave. (another point of pride)

It seems OCPDh constantly has some grudge, vendetta or cause that he is fully engaged with....

It has just occurred to me that OCPDh likes to exert PDish control over things at work too, also through his crusading....
At his job, my OCPDh is a union rep, is on the union bargaining committee, the health and safety committee and the social committee. At any point in time he usually has some issue he is either pressing for, or fighting against, to do with one of these committees. It is rarely something that has a positive impact on anyone's work experience, even his own. It does, however, often have an aspect of vindictiveness or pettiness against someone he feels (or imagines) has wronged him. It also has this insane level of (contrived?) importance. As though, simply because he has chosen it, it must now be elevated to Defcon 2 status, not just for him, but for everyone else too. At times, the apathy he encounters bewilders him. Usually it infuriates. 
There are other PDish aspects to his committee work too. For instance, it allows him to envision himself as an "insider" socially and gives him a reason to engage with co-workers, sometimes (although in a limited way) even outside of work. He doesn't have work-friends. He just does not have the skills or depth to maintain a friendship and people tend to pick up on that quickly. He is not well liked on the job. He is critical and prone to angry outbursts and has offended most of his co-workers. He does get a grudging respect from some because he is very knowledgeable (he has been doing the same job for nearly 40 years) and because he does every job conscientiously, and to the best of his ability.  (For all his flaws, he works very hard and is careful to do a great job at what he does. I have always appreciated this about him.)
Being on the committees also allows PDh to know about things that the average person at work does not. He will use this insider knowledge to his advantage if he can, as social currency, or by selectively "failing to inform" people. He gets to interact with superiors and outsiders that he would not have opportunities to in the regular course of his job, which he uses strategically as well. He will capitalize on moments with people of influence to attempt to undermine or sabotage co-workers that have attracted his ire. Later, he will name drop people from these settings he has never even spoken to, or exaggerate his involvement with people he has had minimal contact with. "My buddy Bob, the Regional Head of X, told me that....." (NOT his buddy. The man was addressing 300 workers at X Plant.) He seems to do this mostly in an attempt to inflate his perceived importance socially, but I have also seen him do this to intimidate.

During their tenure, these work "crusades" and bizarre personal campaigns make up most of his conversation at home. It does nothing for family life, but it is usually relatively easy to MC.

Anything related to the crusade of the moment, or to work, takes absolute precedence over PDh's personal or family life. As you've described in your family, my whole family also used to be late, or miss things, because of the OCPD's obsession with something that, in my opinion, should have been much less important.
Just for example, we were late for my girlfriend's surprise retirement party because it was PDh's turn to deposit the social committee fees $$ from work at the bank. He could have left the money locked up at work for another day, or locked up at home, or used the night deposit slot at the bank, but noooo.... I suggested separate vehicles, but he would not have it. He did not want to pay for the extra parking, and he did not want to arrive late and alone. At the time I decided it was easier to placate him than to have him ruin a nice evening out and probably have to hear about it from him at least 87 more times in future.

[Funny story: He had to turn down a work promotion after he spent nearly two years aggressively "crusading" his bosses to get the position once the gentleman occupying it retired. After doing the job for a week, he decided he did not want the new level of accountability/ responsibility. He was uncomfortable with the personnel management aspect, even though that was the only practical difference between his new role and his old one. He actually tried to negotiate with his boss to keep the job title and pay grade, but have someone else do the job of managing the staff for him!    When his boss explained the impossibility of paying him to do a job he was NOT doing, while NOT paying another person that was actually doing it, OCPDh, very literally, came home and cried. (frustration? It was one of the two times I ever saw him honestly cry)]

Outside of work OCPDh usually has a personal crusade, or several, on the go. The seed cones are blowing off the neighbor's tree and cluttering the gutters on the house and in the street. The bylaw enforcement officer ticketed someone unfairly. The lids on the takeout cups are different now. Mr B across the street did not wave back this morning.

Something strange about whatever issue he is currently on about... he never takes it up with someone who can make a difference. He will complain to co-workers. He will rant to family. He will passionately plead his case to a neighbor or familiar stranger. He will inundate a single person with e-mail or snail mail. He will complain at, and take out his frustration on, service workers. He will do immature, passive aggressive things in retaliation. But he won't post on Facebook, write to the paper, speak to a manager (or anyone who can actually do something to help) or take the issue directly to someone who has offended him.  Wow, I just realized that, just this minute... All that wheel spinning, no movement....but on purpose, it looks like....

Anyway, there is always, some external, intense, nearly all- encompassing, point of focus....
These obsessions (The O in OCPD) are usually not rational, and seem to correspond to some internal value or metric that only he really understands. He has this strange, inflexible system of morality that is completely his own, and imagines his stances on issues come from some sort of moral high ground that the rest of us just cannot occupy. He will often claim his crusade of the moment is based in "common sense", yet, for the life of me, I can't find anything "common" or anything that makes "sense" about it.   
And there seems to be something tied up with his self image in it all. Specifically with his intelligence and virtuousness. He sees himself as smarter than others because he recognizes these issues while others do not. When people can't relate or disagree it seems to somehow confirm to him that his intellect is superior. He also sees himself as selfless, generous and virtuous because he is willing to devote his time to these very "important" and morally upright ideals. He is, at times, legitimately baffled that nobody appreciates his devotion and nobody is as passionately moved by these situations as he is. Mostly though, he is angry about it.
Even in the family, his interactions all seem to be a type of morality based, all important, battle. How the dishwasher gets loaded is a 13 out of 10 for importance. Protocols must be followed. Failing to follow meticulous instructions results in PD rage about incompetence, lack of caring/ respect and the family's obvious moral degradation. Everything wraps up with Silent Treatment and PD self righteousness and self congratulation for having saved the world from.... what? excessive dishwasher noise? etching on glassware from glass objects touching one another? warped tupperware? (nobody knows, since PDh's constant vigilance does not allow for learning through mistakes)  The only lesson we really learned was that handwashing and putting away our dishes before PDh got home from work might make the evening go more smoothly.
I have wondered at times if the relative importance of these things, above family and friend relationships, is not in itself a form of control? Like, possibly a way of rejecting others before they have an opportunity to reject him? Or of keeping everyone beneath him, instead of equal, so no one is a threat?  It's a perversely inverted worldview, where the less important something should be, the more he esteems it, while the more personally important something should be, the lower its relative importance and the higher his contempt.

I have a theory that many of his most confounding crusading behaviors are actually a form of avoidance. Basically, an avoidance of all intimacy. I think on some level he is aware that he does not have the skills to achieve or maintain an intimate relationship. He has not got a single relationship in his life, even with his children, that is more than acquaintance level. He faked me out with his best facsimile for exactly as long as it took him to get me to marry him.... it was never very much, but it seemed he always hinted at / implied more..... Not outright future faking but.... I don't know, maybe I generously filled all his empty spaces with my own projections / hopes /dreams?  Regardless, it is that inversely proportional ratio again... The more intimate potential a given relationship has, it seems the lower he will prioritize it. So, spouse at the bottom, children just barely above that. Maybe the less personally impactful (intimate) something actually is, the more time, energy and resources he is willing to devote to it, because it is safe and will never expose his shortcomings? He is safer to prioritize those mundane things and superficial relationships so he can operate from within areas of strength?

Sorry, Jsinjin, I hope somewhere in here, there's something relevant to what you were saying.

[SonofThunder]

My opinion is that politics attracts both PD people and non-PD people, but imo, all of them have something to prove to themselves and are all trophy-hunters 🏆. 

When its a PD politician, the power, control, manipulation and other PD predatory traits get SO VERY hazardous for others under the control of a powerful political figure, whether its the local school board or a powerful leader of a country  🇷🇺. 

Big facade trophies to hide insecurities behind. All grandiose trophies....

SoT

[Boat Babe]

Maybe that's just the US SoT.

[SonofThunder]

Maybe that's just the US SoT.

I do business worldwide Boat Babe, so I will politely agree to disagree.  It not only politicians, but leaders of businesses as well.  Its been a remarkable experience how the 'human condition' is everywhere, regardless of culture, language, race, religion etc.. 

I face trophy-ism, control, manipulation, greed, manipulation, gaslighting from business owners all over the world.  Im not around them enough to judge NPD vs plain ole' narcissism, but i experience those traits.  This isnt the religion board, but what I experience aligns with the teachings of my faith, and so i expect it from humans worldwide.  My job is to navigate around/through it and protect myself accordingly. 

SoT

[Prototypian]

Thank you all!  And Beautiful_Crazy, thank you especially for the very heartfelt read.   

I'm starting to see the similarities that BC and I have in our experience with OCPD individuals.  My PD individual definitely doesn't have many narcissist trademarks and in fact acts our often in the opposite way trying very hard to selflessly show she is willing to sacrifice all for the cause as a martyr.   Her problem isn't the adulation she wants or even the recognition or even the control.  She emphatically believes that the world should care at the same level she does about a cause.   Her particular concern is that everyone else "doesn't understand how important the crusade is".   She can't see why the rest of the world doesn't understand the moral implications of not caring this much about an issue.   But that can extend to the city policy on the size, shape, distance from the curb and contents of trash.   I say that because our family can't put out the trash without exact dimensions down to the inch of the distance from the curb, ensuring that visibility for cars is not blocked, that the bags are properly closed and nothing is above the top level of the trash can and that the trash contents are carefully reviewed to avoid sharps, anything that could be recyclable and any liquids.   While I understand there are definitely city policies on this, she is not simply wanting to adhere to the general statements of the rules to avoid problems, she wants everyone to be devoted to this set of things to the point that either trash doesn't go out if it has not been checked or she will get violently angry to the point of screaming and throwing things if she is not there when the trash goes out and the person who put it out is not willing to swear that all things were double checked.   If you nonchalantly say "I don't know, I just set it out and they picked it up, that is treated like a violent criminal offense with her remaining angry for days at you for not caring.

I can't quite describe it as a specific narcissistic trait because she doesn't do it to impress people or to care what they think.   She is genuinely concerned that someone made that policy and someone might not follow it.

I kind of figured that the city put those rules in to avoid someone: fillijg bags with broken glass that cut workers, or set out a trash can filled with lead weights 800 lbs or has a trash can so large it blocks a view around a corner and could cause a wreck or puts the can in the street so it causes cars to swerve.   I never believed the problem was that the city wanted the cans exactly 6 inches from the curb and that they had a ruler to check.   

But she does this with so many things in life.   Her devotion to the local politics isn't about the role; she doesn't even participate in the adulation like riding on a float or sitting in reserved seats at football games for the school.   She lives and loves the rules associated with the role.   Her passion which she would take to the end is on what is "right" in the political process.   She has no party affiliation, is not at all involved in the world of conservative vs liberal or religious or secular.   She is adamantly focused on the very specific rules, policies and why they are both right and should be followed to the absolute level.   

An example for my spouse is movies; she will not stand up or acknowledge that a movie is over until the very final credit rolls past even after the lights are on and the people have come in to clean.   Marvel movie Easter eggs aside, she will find a manager and complain that they stopped the movie before the end enev if all that was left was the "filmed in Yugoslavia" credit.   Her view isn't whether that is important or not, it is that it is a credit and it should be shown.   Another example is details on tooth brushing or taking medications.   Our kids have to take cough or pain meds on hourly time processes timed to the minute.  If it says take every four hours even a minute past that is wrong and she doesn't figure "no big deal" she gets screaming angry at everyone involved.   If tooth brushing is for 2 min she isn't ocd about that for fear of hygiene, it's about following the rules and letting others know that the rules are there and should be followed.   

What's amazing about this is how incredibly effective she is at bureaucratic things.   As an elected official there isn't a policy document she hasn't read, there isn't an ethics or scripted rule she doesn't know completely and as a leader she would never under any circumstances break a rule.   There would not every be any graft or corruption under her but also no compromise; if it is spelled out in policy regardless of how dumb that is then it is policy.

I do see and understand the narcissists and the trophy hunters.   But for my OCPD spouse and what I've learned about the similarities with Beautifulcrazy and her spouse, the trophy for the OCPD is the moral justification for the rule being followed and the black and white thinking about it.   

At home I don't have to fill the dishwasher a specific way because she gets any joy out of it or because it cleans better; I have to load it a certain way because that is the way it is laid out in the manufacturer recommendations and if I devaite from that she will become violently angry escalating
fit  and then hold a ln angry grudge over the fact that I didn't follow the rules for many months to come.   This can occur over anything you can imagine from lane changes while driving to filling a gumball machine to sitting in a sports car I probably won't buy at a car dealer lot.   She has rules I don't know about and they are the source of explosive violent emotions and anger that the rest of the world doesn't understand.

[square]

You've explained it very well. I do grasp the difference between her motivations (odd and perplexing as they are) and that of an NPD, based on how you explained it.

It sounds so utterly exhausting.