Normal, to feel triggered by small stuff?

[gfuertes]

IDK if "grandiose v. vulnerable/covert narcissist" is considered a silly, pop-psych concept by professionals, but it does a great job of describing my ex (grandiose) and my mother (vulnerable.)

Yesterday was a fairly frustrating day with my ex.  Our son spent the day with him, but had an extracurricular activity that did not involve parents, which took up most of the day.  Despite Ex's resentment of our son's interest in anything that does not revolve around Ex, he is tending to let our son attend such things right now, because he sees himself as being in competion with me for Favorite Parent, and avoids being the one to say no.  But he retaliates with lots of attention-seeking, baiting, critical, divisive, drama-manufacturing behavior that I find exhausting.  I am learning to respond minimally, or not at all.  But that doesn't mean I don't have thoughts or feelings about it, which are still exhausting.

This morning my mother called.  I know she's irritated and stressed about a few relatively small, manageable things.  But instead of discussing or handling them directly, she discussed how to use them as yet another endless attempt of hers to get my brother to focus less on his career, and more on time-consuming tasks she assigns him (of course that is my perception, not how she'd characterize it;) saying passive-aggressive things about our late father... and then she did a tiny bit of gaslighting about something unimportant, and it just felt like the last straw, to me.

Without getting into detail, she was preparing to suggest something to my sister that she knew my sister would resist.  She made a statement to me, regarding it, which we both know is absolutely not true, or reasonable.  If I said nothing, she would represent to my sister that I agree with her, as a way to support her suggestion.  But if I corrected her, she would gasp and overreact about what's wrong with me, that I would want to start an argument about something so small?!?!  I corrected her statement, and she yelled, almost managed to cry, and made the predictable accusation that I'm argumentative and petty.  I said, "I don't want to argue.  I don't like for you to say things we both know aren't true, and expect me to act like I agree that they are."  I did not yell, but my voice reflected my annoyance, rather than sounding as calm and factual as the words look, on a screen.  She defended her statement.  I gave a factual example to disprove it.  She made a passive-aggressive comment about my dad.  I said I needed to extricate myself from the conversation, and got off the phone.

Now I feel guilty, and frustrated.  I know my larger pique is with my ex, and I probably would have blown this off if not for my current frustration with him.  She is older, and even though there are certain similarities between her behavior and my ex's, I feel like she is unaware - or less aware - of what she's doing, than he is.  I feel like it's not malicious, from her; that she just has a mind always circling back to what she finds comfortable, to avoid so many things that upset her or make her nervous.  I feel mean.

Do others of you react like this, to people in your life?  Or is this a particularly screwed up thing about me, that I need to work on more?  I'm not trying to pander.  I try to discern when I should give myself a pass because something was legitimately frustrating, vs. when I'm overthinking, overreacting, and should apologize.

[Cat of the Canals]

I corrected her statement, and she yelled, almost managed to cry, and made the predictable accusation that I'm argumentative and petty.  I said, "I don't want to argue.  I don't like for you to say things we both know aren't true, and expect me to act like I agree that they are."  I did not yell, but my voice reflected my annoyance, rather than sounding as calm and factual as the words look, on a screen.  She defended her statement.  I gave a factual example to disprove it.  She made a passive-aggressive comment about my dad.  I said I needed to extricate myself from the conversation, and got off the phone.

From where I'm sitting, you handled all of this very well. She crossed a boundary (attempting to triangulate you and your sister) and you said, "I will not participate in this." So you let a little annoyance slip into your voice. Oh well. I know it's not ideal in terms of Medium Chill or Gray Rock, but I think you're expecting an unreasonable level of perfection from yourself. (Believe me, I know the feeling.)

You can call it giving yourself a pass, but I don't think you even need a pass. Your response was reasonable, rational, and potentially more polite than warranted. I think a lot of cover narcs come across as not being aware of what they're doing, but I'm not sure I buy it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I too say very well done indeed! Do you feel mean because your mother turned on the tears when she didn't get what she wanted from you?

It may be true that your mother is not as bad as the ex but... so what? That doesn't mean her behavior is okay or that you should have to put up with manipulations from her end. Your relationships with her and with your ex are apples and oranges. It might work to be direct with her in a way that would be counterproductive with the ex. So you do what works. There is no comparison or equity between mom and ex. You and your child are the ones who matter most.

It also doesn't matter what she's aware of and what she isn't as far as her behavior goes. If it's not okay with you, it's not okay. If someone's drinking your coffee, you would stop them whether they meant to do it or not, right?

[Cat of the Canals]

Do you feel mean because your mother turned on the tears when she didn't get what she wanted from you?

I had the same thought. I think it's all too common for us ACoNs to take all of the responsibility for how an interaction played out. Your mother reacted negatively = you think you somehow handled it poorly. But talk to anyone here, and you'll find that PDs almost NEVER handle any kind of boundary well. Her response was entirely predictable.

Moreover, it's very likely the only way you would have avoided a negative response from her would have been to let her comment slide, thus implying that you agree, thus violating your own internal boundary. Never feel guilty for defending your boundaries.

[Liketheducks]

I think you handled it perfectly!   
And....so.much.yes.   Triggers, that is the thing about them.....I know what might cause some.....but sometimes they just come out of the blue and unexpectedly smack me between the eyes like a 2X4.   
I've noticed that the more small triggers I have, the more triggered I'll get.   And, if I'm not careful, they can cause me to have an epic set back or melt down.  It isn't fair or fun....but I know I'm going to have to be extra gentle with myself as those things accumulate.   If I don't take care of myself with the little ones, they will definitely build.   Pat yourself on the back for handling the difficult family situations gracefully.   You're normal to me.