Back again

[Ckbella]

Hello again 00TF. I came here years ago when I was starting to understand that my mother was a covert narcissist. And I'm back again because I've been going through a cycle of abuse for a long time with my husband. It's emotional abandonment.  It's been hard to identify. For a long time I thought I had to act like someone else for anyone to love me and with him it was just natural to assume I wasn't good enough. Everything changed when I moved in with him.  10 plus years ago. he has been very vocal about not liking what I like and not supporting my interests by criticizing.  silent treatment, toxic arguing, gas lighting, criticism.  Opposition to almost everything I agree with even to the point of changing it when I take the stance he normally agrees with.   If I cry he doesn't support me. If i try to discuss any feeling about anything he belittles it . I can't say he's always like this but it's enough to make me now start to emotionally pull away. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Life is so short.  I have been feeling worried that I am just being dramatic or that I'm crazy. I really don't have any idea what a healthy relationship looks like. I'm going to start therapy and try to navigate some of this.  Does toxic arguments and silent treatments on the regular mean I'm in another unhealthy relationship?  I have so much self doubt now I can hardly think straight.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome back! Of course, constant criticism, moonlighting, silent treatment are abuse! I am glad you start therapy and get some support. Please read the Toolbox and start implementing the strategies explained there.
What changed everything for me, was when I realized that I had to stop trying to change him, stop pretending that our relationship was normal, and start changing myself. We are all on the journey together. I am glad you joined us.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello. I'm new here but it seems a very helpful place to be.

It certainly sounds like your relationship is unhealthy, but it might be fixable. I escaped my uNPD mother by marrying early. Marriage 1 was a disaster and lasted less than a year when it became clear he was an alcoholic and drug addict with all manner of mental disorders. Marriage 2 came hot on the heels of marriage 1 but it has lasted over 30 years. I have to say that for the first 20 or so years the marriage was not happy for me. My husband came from a dysfunctional family, too, so in many ways we understand one another. And he was very supportive of my efforts to cope with/stand up to mother. But he has his own issues and can be a bully. Which I allowed, maybe even encouraged as I knew nothing else. I suggested divorce in 2013 (somewhat out of the blue for him as I had hidden my feelings pretty successfully thanks to years of experience with NPDmother). He did/does love me and absolutely did not want a divorce. We agreed to try again and it has been a success. I wouldn't say it is a bed of roses as we both have a lifetime of baggage and much behaviour to unlearn, but we are content.

The key for me was much as notrightinthehead said - I had to start changing myself. And of course I needed to have a husband who was prepared to start changing himself. I don't know if you do, but it is worth giving it some thought.

I wish you all the best.

[Ckbella]

Thank you for the helpful replies.  I feel like I just want to break free from caring at all what he thinks of me.  I am worthy of respect and even admiration.  I want to love me and enjoy my life.   I take care of everything and everyone. And I have done it out of love.  It's strange, he withholds positive speech and encouragement from only me.  I could do the most amazing things and he won't respond at all.  But others and our son he freely shows kindness and validation.   
Example:  I have renovated 2 of our homes and sold them for a great profit.  He worked a lot so I planned and managed all projects and resources.  I thanked him and encouraged him at least once a week for going to work for us. I also homeschooled our adhd son.  I have never even heard one positive word about this. Almost as if I never did anything.  But his mom does a good scrap book page he loves it! Or his brother buys a cool sign from picking he says that is great. 

Even after the birth of our son he was so underwhelmed, he didn't even ask me how I was feeling or show me any affection.  I was 38 and it was rough.  For a week straight after I begged him to let me sleep and help take care of our new son but he refused.  He just checked out.

I am historically codependent as a survivor of a narcissist mother and a previous 13 year marriage to a narcissist. But I am repeating the same patterns with people over and over. Really need to get my head on straight.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you are ready to work on yourself now! No better time than now. Start reading. "Why does he do that? " by Bancroft was an eye opener for me.