I asked him to leave

[SoStuck]

I've been creeping this forum for awhile... 6 months maybe? I had my ahha moment back in the summer and finally realized that all of the peacekeeping that I'd been doing in my marriage was not healthy or normal. That's when he broke it to me... the psychiatrist he's been seeing for the last year told him (about a year ago) that he has Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD, ADHD and social reclusiveness (or something). Really!!? So my reality is as I have been experiencing it, and not as you've been gaslighting me to think that it is!!  The book "Walking on Eggshells" is my life story. Every single tendency. I live with a grown up child and I can't take it any longer. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I've been tolerating the last 6 months in an effort to open my own bank account, get things in order for me and our three children before telling him I wanted our marriage to be over. Reading this forum has been so helpful for me in realizing how abnormal everything is, despite his attempts to normalize his behaviour and gaslight me about my reality.

But I couldn't take it anymore. After living with him through the holiday and his moping around and not participating and being upset with me for not feeling like having sex with him I asked him if he doesn't want to be here with us anymore and he said "sometimes." To which I said "you should leave then. Go get your own place, focus on yourself and your own mental wellbeing and don't worry about us. I'll give you money to get started, you can take whatever furniture you want, you don't even have to pay child support, just go." Of course this made him angry, he threw out accusations, belittled me, blamed me. To which I said I was willing to take full responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage, he could tell everyone it is my fault. He figured me out and said "you're just trying to get rid of me." Bingo. I don't care the cost. He's taken enough from me, from the kids. I just want him to leave us alone. He kept me awake in his fun-filled circular conversations until 2AM. Then this morning as he was leaving for work he said "do you want me to stay late at work and work on the bookshelf project?" He has been working on for our daughter "or do you want me to come home and be with the family."

No!! Did you not hear me or understand!!?? Leave?? I'm so tired of this I just want him to leave. I feel like I was clear. What should I do? Should I pack up the kids and leave?

[Prototypian]

I can't comment as a marriage counselor but it seems like some distance would help you see the perspective.   If you were to leave would you be in any danger?    Would you have a plan to protect your kiss and would you be able to give him clear boundaries about how to approach you, what you will tolerate and what you would do if he threatened self harm (contacting police for a wellness check on him for example).   

If so I think that if you have someone to talk to about your steps like a counselor or family member, you can take control of finances to support things and have a safe place or he has a place to go, then you can clearly take the steps to pack the kids and leave.

It's massive, it's scary and I haven't done it despite needing to but for each person I've read about here the events have been less traumatic than they have imagined and they have almost universally said that the results were better for them and their loved ones.

You're absolutely in my prayers!

[notrightinthehead]

Well done for taking the first steps like opening your own bank account and getting things in order! Sounds like you know where you want to get to. Was this the first time, you suggested he should leave? You might find that he will start to hoover if he suspects you are serious. You might be tempted to give him another chance if he launches a charm offensive.
As for how to get him out of the house - consider getting legal advice. Also build a support network for yourself and the children - maybe get counselling or find a self help group - and find a safe space where you can escape to, in case he rages, does not let you sleep, or threatens you.

[BeautifulCrazy]

SoStuck
Hellooooo!!
(I am a longtime forum creeper who recently turned member as well)
I don't have any advice for you but I want you to know that I read your post and I can relate very much to it and I am rooting like crazy for you! I admire your resolve and courage!
I feel your pain very keenly when you write:

No!! Did you not hear me or understand!!?? Leave?? I'm so tired of this I just want him to leave. I feel like I was clear.

I'm thinking your pdh might be playing exactly that.... not hearing and not understanding. Both of the options he gave for after work are NOT in line with what you have presented. He seems like he is trying to give you an easy "out" from the crazy, regrettable things you said. I suspect you are going to have to "be clear" a lot more times before he really understands.
In my experience with BPD individuals, there is no right way to go about things. I am so sorry


Still, reading your post, I can see that you are intelligent and resourceful and I feel confident telling you that you are okay and you are going to be okay and you have all the skills and abilities necessary to get you and your kids through this and on to thriving.
No matter what happens now, this forum will be here for you. If you have times when you are feeling like you are coming completely unglued, you will not be alone. 
It probably sounds completely rediculous considering what you are going through, but I feel excited and honored to be journeying alongside you! I'm sending you encouragement and support and solidarity. You have totally got this!!

~BC

[BeautifulCrazy]

It's massive, it's scary and I haven't done it despite needing to but for each person I've read about here the events have been less traumatic than they have imagined and they have almost universally said that the results were better for them and their loved ones.

Oh my gosh, 

(And my own courage and resolve just grew a bit, because this is true. So grateful for this forum.)

~BC

[SoStuck]

Thank you so much everyone for the support and comments!

Thank you for the legal advice recommendation and counsellor. I have tracked down the best divorce lawyer in town and am going to call him first thing Monday. I contacted my psychologist but he seems to be on a leave so I've found another who comes highly recommended from a friend and she works with children too, so that will be good because my kids are most definitely going to need some help reversing the damage he has done. A friend recommended I go try to get a protection order because the other might when I said "living like this is killing me and the kids" pdh responded with "well someone's going to die." I am not sure I'm willing to take that step yet. I haven't actually told him I don't want to be married to him anymore because I really want him to go try and get more emotionally stable and well before I do anything so severe and permanent. Plus I want to get my divorce lawyer locked in and have his advice on what to do before I deliver the message.

He seems like he is trying to give you an easy "out" from the crazy, regrettable things you said.

Hahahaha... you are so right... I am shaking my head. You're absolutely 100% right. Which would also explain why he is choosing to stay in a hotel and not take his aunt and uncle up on the offer to stay in their house while they are gone to the southern states for 4 months.

Yesterday has asked if he could see the kids so I agreed for them to meet him at our house in the evening. I sent them there with my sister and dad. Immediately the angry texts started coming from him:

What's this about? U can't even come here? Supervised visits? Am I a criminal?

Me: Enjoy your time with the kids. They are really happy to see you. I didn't want to go there because I didn't want to get into it with you. I thought you wanted to visit with the kids and I was afraid you'd want to argue with me.

Him: Well your wrong. I was actually excited to see all of you. Not your dad and sister.

Me: I can't see you until you can be around me and not hurt me

Him: Really??!! Come ang. I was hoping we could play a game or do something together

(My own editorial here to say Then WHY didn't you play a game or do something together with me for the last two weeks that we have been off work together for Christmas vacation!!!!????)

Me: I can't. Have fun with the kids.

Him: Well at least tell your family to go home . Are you planning on staying at this house?

Me: Yes

Him:  Tonight? Cause I heard u left Dixie alone last night (Dixie is our dog)

Me: yes tonight

Him:  So is this how it's going to be? Supervised visits and I can't see u?

And I didn't respond. I think I'm going to have to go no contact and he can arrange visits with the kids through my mom because even that interaction was so stressful for me. I'm just so done. I don't want to talk anymore and I really have zero interest in seeing him.

I need to get that legal stuff in order. I may be delusional but I really want sole custody and I'm hopeful I can get it. I am
The only one responsible for medical appointments, clothing, food, school, everything. He's never taken responsibility for anything. Even when I travel for work I make sure everything is arranged for child pick ups and drop offs and my parents often just take the kids when I'm away because they know he can't handle it. He has no support network because he pushes everyone away when he splits. And because of his inability to attach and narcissistic behaviour he damages the kids rather than parenting them when they make mistakes. I asked my daughter if she is sad to be away from Daddy and she said "not really. He doesn't even talk to me except to get mad at me." I've tried so hard to defend him to them (daddy is sick, he needs to take some time to get well, that's why he can be so angry and hurtful. He loves you very much, this isn't your fault, etc...). Is it delusional if me to think that I could have a chance at sole custody?

[GettingOOTF]

You are taking some great steps. Congrats on finding the strength to do this.

My experience was that my BPDxH refused to leave. One of the main characteristics of BPD is a fear of abandonment. They cling on as tight as they can. A divorce may be the only way you can get him out.

I encourage you to rethink the protection order. At the very least speak to the police and get a record of this. Leaving and directly after leaving a relationship is the time a woman is most likely to be murdered. Your husband has already made threats and he's mentally ill. These are serious risk factors that should not be ignored.

Good luck.  The peace and freedom on the other side is indescribable.

[Medowynd]

Please don't base your future on your husband becoming stable.  That is condemning yourself to a long term indefinite future that allows your husband to hold you hostage.  I especially would never indicate that is what you are waiting for.  That allows your husband more time and tools to undermine what you want for your life.

[SoStuck]

That's so true, Medowynd. Thank you. In my mind my future is clear, I've only been telling him there is a possibility if he tries in hopes that he will actually try for himself and for our children, and also because I know it will make him rage if I tell him it's over and I'm afraid.

Since I made my original post things have escalated. He hasn't been respecting my request to not communicate about anything except the kids at all. In a 24 hour period I had a 1.5 hour phone call (only to distract him so my dad could go in an get our kids after an altercation with my sister where he wouldn't give my 3 year old back as agreed) and over 100 text messages. Every single day there has been an altercation with one of my family members where he rages at them (scaring them... they've never seen this side of him), blames them for all of this, throws them out of our house, etc... making everyone afraid to sleep at night and afraid of what he's going to do next. I couldn't get any peace constantly on edge about what his next communication was going to be because it went on day 1 from "sometimes not wanting to be with us anymore" to needing to be checked into a treatment centre for his mental health issues to wanting sole custody of the kids and the house so that I can take the time to work on my mental health (because I've said that's the reason I don't want to communicate constantly is so I can try to heal from the last 14 years with him.)  one minute he's raging at me in the phone making it impossible for me to sleep because I'm in distress and worried about what he's going to do and the next morning he's texting me "how was your night ?" When I say "awful" he says "why? Want to tell me about it? Maybe I can help you?" 

So I did it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I went to the court and represented myself to in front of the judge to get an emergency protection order for myself, my kids and my family members, which is essentially a physical restraining order and communication restraining order. The judge permitted him to contact me by email only. It also gives me exclusive possession of the house for 6 months.

After delivering the order to the police my dad found us a hotel and we raced home to pack the things we need for a few days. We were afraid of what he would do once the police kicked him out of the house. So I got to have a rest, take the kids swimming in the pool, and sleep not worrying about whether he was coming for us.

And I got a lawyer locked into place. Someone who is known to be a "pit bull" in the court room. Maybe he can help me to not lose any more than I already have to this man.

[GettingOOTF]

SoStuck, I think I you should change your user name.

What you did takes a lot of strength and courage, but you did what many aren’t able to and you put you and your children’s safely first.

What you describe sounds terrifying.  You showed great presence of mind and bravery in getting your 3yo back and in getting the restraining order.

I found my ex cycled through being contrite and promising the world and then crazy rages where he blamed me for everything and tried to make me feel like I was crazy, but eventually I got the divorce and for he most part he leaves me alone. Each year is a little better. This Christmas I didn’t get one of his crazy emails.

Keep moving forward. The peace and healing will come for you and your children. You all deserve it. I’m so happy for you that you have your family to support you.

[blunk]

SoStuck, your husband sounds so much like my BPDxh. Fortunately, we did not have any kids, but we did have 3 dogs (I know, not the same)that he tried to use as weapons against me.

When I first asked him to leave, he seemed ok, he knew that he had crossed a line. Then it was begging me to take him back, then the only way he could get through all of this was to hate me, then tears and apologies, then he was going to send his dog to rescue just so that I couldn't have her, then threatening me and the house if I didn't give him the combination to the weapon safe, and round and round it went. It was partly my fault, I felt bad for him because he would literally cry that he had nobody, so I would let him come to the house to visit the dogs when I was at work. I know that just prolonged things, and I regret it deeply.

One night he texted me the most hateful words and then showed up to my house the next morning with a cup of coffee for me like nothing had happened. It was that way when we were together too, I always used to describe it as...as soon as a PD stops being angry they expect you to stop being hurt. When I refused the cup of coffee and asked him to leave he threw it against the wall, tipped over the bookcase and called my a fat wh***.

I am so glad that you have taken steps to protect yourself, your children, and your family. BPDs can be extremely dangerous.

[BeautifulCrazy]

SoStuck how are you?
How is everything?
Thinking of you!!

[bkelly2442]

I hope you are doing well Sostuck.  Just this morning I told my uNPDh (in a text) that I'm done.  I'm sure it came a great shock to him since he's been trying to figure out why I've been so distant and "angry" as he put it.  What's funny is that it's HIS anger that has caused much of this - with a constant under-the-surface seething that has been there for our entire 30 year marriage.  I'm not angry - I'm just empty.  Sounds like your path and mine are very similar. 

Hang in there - I'm certain the levels of self doubt, and overall FOG come like waves - they do to me.  But I have great support network and they are buoying me up.  Please let us know how things are going

[SoStuck]

Wow... I haven't been around for awhile. I thought separating meant I would be free....

Hahahhahahahahahah

2.5 years later and I still get multiple angry messages from him every day attacking me, smearing me to everyone around and just generally being a jerk.

I have primary custody of the kids but my daughter (12) has been refusing to see him for the scheduled visits. He decided to use this as an opportunity to fully alienate my oldest (14 year old son) from me by bribing him and manipulating him. I haven't seen him in a week now. My heart is broken.

I've spent so much money on lawyers and so much time in court. Sigh

But at least I don't have to live with him anymore! And our day to day life is filled with laughter and love and joy. And that's worth all the suffering I've had to endure in order to escape physically.

Love to all of you struggling with leaving right now. It's worth it. You're worth it!!

[escapingman]

Wow... I haven't been around for awhile. I thought separating meant I would be free....

Hahahhahahahahahah

2.5 years later and I still get multiple angry messages from him every day attacking me, smearing me to everyone around and just generally being a jerk.

I have primary custody of the kids but my daughter (12) has been refusing to see him for the scheduled visits. He decided to use this as an opportunity to fully alienate my oldest (14 year old son) from me by bribing him and manipulating him. I haven't seen him in a week now. My heart is broken.

I've spent so much money on lawyers and so much time in court. Sigh

But at least I don't have to live with him anymore! And our day to day life is filled with laughter and love and joy. And that's worth all the suffering I've had to endure in order to escape physically.

Love to all of you struggling with leaving right now. It's worth it. You're worth it!!

I am sorry he is still pestering you, but thank you so much for the encouraging message about how joyful your day to day life is!

[Legalmindhelp]

That joyful message was just what I needed to hear during my journey to the other side. Sounds like you are stuck no longer! Good for you!