New and Grieving

[ChippedShoulder]

New here, I'm 27 years old 3rd and last (scapegoat) daughter of an undiagnosed Borderline Mother and Father with Bipolar II. I am currently NC with my oldest sister, and recently reconnected with my middle sister after a short period of NC. Currently LC with BPD Mom. After 9 years of NC with BP Pentecostal Christian Father (Age 14-23), I currently have a relatively (*keyword*) stable relationship with him.  Phew..writing that all out really puts it into perspective and I can chill on the self-gaslighting already.

Nearly 4 years in therapy (2.5 being with an absolutely wretched therapist), I feel like I'm functioning now. I cannot express how appreciated my current therapist is, she has been the mother I never had and has made me aware of the CPTSD I live with. Since that awareness I've grown to be more compassionate and patient with myself. Though I am experiencing a rough transitional time currently; It's been a long time coming, but I finally got out from the tight grip of my Borderline mother. I thought I would feel free but I am overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt, I thought I had moved past the guilt by now.

I don't even know where to begin. Apologies If I continue on and it doesn't belong in this topic...
I told my Mom in January that I would be moving to Quebec from Ontario with my partner, literally the first thing out of her mouth was "Did you know they are passing a bill that won't allow you to work unless you speak French?", followed by "How are you going to get there? YOU'RE going to drive the Uhaul...." and then right after "Did you know you're only allowed to move on ONE day out of the year in Montreal". And that was it. Then came the trips to my townhouse to clear out the basement where she had been storing an excessive amount of things. I had strategically organized and separated our belongings, hers closest to the stairs. The FIRST trip for her things (with her was her little guard dog husband) is when the reminder of my living childhood nightmare reappeared. She was huffing and puffing complaining about things in the basement, making things up to be angry about and trying to get a reaction. I couldn't bite my tongue any longer, I said "Sorry did you want me to go through every single one of your boxes and neatly organize them for you, or would you prefer if I just live her forever?". That's all she needed..The witch was loose. She immediately followed the age-old script of "You're so ungrateful" Screaming at me and my partner for gently defending me, her husband also screaming at him to stay out of it. After she spiralled and realized she looked crazy, she then did the classic move of making things up about me to rationalize her behaviour to the witnesses of the tantrum. I shut down hyperventilating and disturbed by the familiar feeling in my body. She pushed me again for a reaction and I gave in, and she yelled the very over-used "NO ONE CAN SAY ANYTHING TO YOU".

After this initial incident, more things followed. She changed the password on multiple shared accounts, she threatened suicide to my middle sibling (Always seems to go to them with this tactic), triangulated my oldest and me with lies that I was selling her belongings and keeping the money, told my middle sibling I am in a coercive relationship, sent me a message  "All of this fighting is so very hard for you and me.." and sent her husband to collect her things and do her yelling. She refused to give my key back but demanded I return hers, she showed up unannounced, offered empty favours to real me back (said she'd take my garbage to the dump the next week, then showed up announced to get hers a day later giving me no time to gather mine), acted saccharine in order for me to pass on my clients to her that I was leaving behind, left chocolates on my counter when I wasn't home.

I packed up the rest of the house and left Sunday night without telling her, intending on telling her the next day that I left early. She showed up announced the next morning before I could notify her, seeing an empty house. Even after writing everything in the above, putting into perspective how chaotic and terrible her behaviour has been, I can't help but feel incredibly sad for her. I'm unsure if that's a testament to my compassion, or the years of emotionally manipulation. Picturing her walking in to a completely empty house breaks my heart. I want to get back to being angry.

Here I am in Montreal, still processing that I'm even here since I've been on auto-pilot for months. An anglo and likely autistic dysregulated person with cptsd coming from a small city. I am so overwhelmed by the sensory overload of this environment, the change and the emotional nightmare I have been living in. I thought I would feel free, that I would relax knowing she can't drop by that she doesn't even have my address. I know it's only been a few days.

I am grieving and I feel alone. I know this has always been a place I don't have to be, and I decided to finally connect with whoever resonated with what I've gone through or currently am.   

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are not alone. You have found a supportive community here, who understands and can relate. We all have been damaged by the difficult people in our life in one way or another.
Congratulations on putting some distance between yourself and your mother.  It is quite normal to feel drained, empty, scared after so much drama. With PDs in your life, you are in a state of emotional arousal/hyper vigilance a lot of the time and when that stops it's like a hangover or withdrawal from a drug. So give yourself time, be kind and patient with yourself. You might want to look for a support network- therapist, self help groups, counselors.
You will need some energy to build a new life in your new place and you might want to consider giving yourself a total break from your mothers interference for a while. At the same time you could use what little energy you have to do something positive for yourself.
Have you checked out the Toolbox?  Also check out the Dealing with PD parents board.
Again, welcome! I am glad you found us and sorry you had to.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve and heal. I hope you enjoy new adventures in Montreal when you are ready for them.