Dad - it IS all your fault

[p123]

Dad has started doing this more and more.

Lovebombing me. Telling me how much he appreciates me. If I visit hes trying to grab me as I'm leaving to give me a hug.....
I think its because hes realised (AT LAST!) how much hes pushed me away.

Then I got thinking, NO, why should I feel sorry for him. Yes hes an old man with his "ways" but over the last 10-15 years his behaviour has been appalling. This was out of choice.

He hasn't seen my kids for 2/3 years+. He was never interested so in the end I stopped taking them - he didnt care. My wife doesnt speak to him - long story but good for her. My brother and I don't speak - Dads fault again.
The tricks and stunts hes pulled on me over the years and the general dismissial and treating me like a slave.

Just for everyone else, stay strong, don't feel sorry.....

I've got one story that I always remember that puts any feelings of sympathy back in the box!

I'd accidentally left his wheelchair in my car. He never uses it anyway. But he phones me, I'm going out Friday can you drop the wheelchair back, cousin is taking me out. Another scam to force an extra visit.
I was really busy that week, only option was me to use my lunch time Thursday to drive there (30 mins each way from work). As bad luck would have it, I do on call/standby and I was up at something like 4am and in the office at 7am. Really busy. So I called Dad at 11am, explained how busy I was, been up half the night, do you really need that wheelchair? Yes I do Yes I do. So I take an hour from work that I didn't really have, 4 hours sleep and did it.
Spoke to him Saturday - how was it yesterday in the wheelchair? Oh I didnt go, changed my mind, didnt think it fair for my cousin to push me around.....

Like I said, if I remember how I felt that day it puts me back in the box lol.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry.   
What would happen if next time you just hold firm and say, I'm sorry, it's not a good time?   I won't be able to do that today?

[p123]

Liketheducks - yeh this was a few years ago. He did many things like this.....

He still tries it now but I ignore him. Not perfect but I'm better than I was.

This weeks "drama". Got a booster covid jab at 2pm one day next week. Hes mentioned about 20 times how he doesnt know how hes going to get there.
I refuse to take half day off work at short notice (I dont get paid!) to drive 30 miles to take him, when he could get a cab/taxi for £5 each way (but won't!)

[Sneezy]

I think its because hes realised (AT LAST!) how much hes pushed me away.

p123 - Keep this thought going.  Your dad has realized how much he has pushed you away AND he can't run the risk of you abandoning him for good so he's reeling you back in (or at least trying to).  Your dad is no dummy.  He knows when he has pushed you too far and then he changes tactics in order to keep you around.

As far as driving him around.  I fell for this with my mom when she gave up driving.  I thought it was up to me to take her everywhere - poor little old lady, how else would she get out?  And then covid hit and what kind of daughter would I be if I didn't run all my mom's errands for her?  Here's the thing, though - this is not normal.  Not at all!  I have finally asked some of my friends with parents who don't drive.  And guess what?  Their parents take uber, take the city bus, take the senior van at their senior apartment complex, order groceries, get prescriptions delivered, etc.  None of my friends act as their parents' personal taxi driver.  Sure, if it's an emergency, maybe a visit to a specialist, but otherwise no.  So don't get roped into driving your dad all over and running errands for him. 

[p123]

A Dad classic last night on the phone....

Friday is a holiday here in the UK. So I'm off out for the day with the family.
"Sometimes" I call Dad when I take daughter to gymnastics class on a friday evening. Its off this week so I told Dad I'll be out so probably won't phone him.

"Oh well you just need to make an effort, don't you?"
then
"Try really hard to call me"

I've had this conversation about 10 times with him about how rude it is for him to say something like that to me. I'll ring him if I can as I explained.....

You can bet I'm NOT ringing him now to prove a point.

[p123]

I think its because hes realised (AT LAST!) how much hes pushed me away.

p123 - Keep this thought going.  Your dad has realized how much he has pushed you away AND he can't run the risk of you abandoning him for good so he's reeling you back in (or at least trying to).  Your dad is no dummy.  He knows when he has pushed you too far and then he changes tactics in order to keep you around.

As far as driving him around.  I fell for this with my mom when she gave up driving.  I thought it was up to me to take her everywhere - poor little old lady, how else would she get out?  And then covid hit and what kind of daughter would I be if I didn't run all my mom's errands for her?  Here's the thing, though - this is not normal.  Not at all!  I have finally asked some of my friends with parents who don't drive.  And guess what?  Their parents take uber, take the city bus, take the senior van at their senior apartment complex, order groceries, get prescriptions delivered, etc.  None of my friends act as their parents' personal taxi driver.  Sure, if it's an emergency, maybe a visit to a specialist, but otherwise no.  So don't get roped into driving your dad all over and running errands for him.

Totally agree. With Dad its a mixture of "Can't be bothered to think about doing it myself" and "I feel good because I've got someone to do it for me"

Dad refuses to EVER get a taxi/uber. His attitude "not for people like us". Eh?
He'd have no problem getting me to drive hours to him though.

[p123]

Spoke to Dad the weekend and hes a bit put out. Hes found out that a lady in his church has been giving someone else a lift to church on a sunday but hasnt offered him.
I know in the past he used to have a lift.

There does seem to be a long, long string of people who Dad had "favours" from and who now avoid him. I have no idea what he does but he seems to have a knack for driving people away. I can only imagine.....

I know the lady in question, she used to be my sunday school teacher when I was a kid (long time ago) and she really is the nicest person you can meet. I really dread to think what Dad has done so that a lovely Christian lady like this is avoiding giving him a lift to church.

[NarcKiddo]

Your experience broadly aligns with mine as my uNPD mother ages. She has started doing more love bomb type things recently. She has had a policy over the last couple of years of doing her usual monologue on the phone and then suddenly saying "But enough about me. What is going on in YOUR life?" Since I have been running grey rock for some years nothing ever is happening in my life, but once she has asked the question and I have given a non-answer she seems happy with that and normal monologue status is resumed. She also makes a point of saying how much she enjoys my visits. But her statements never seem spontaneous or genuine. It's like she has an internal tick-box.

I initially thought that perhaps the grey rock approach was "working" in some way to make her realise something is wrong. But I saw a video the other day. It was Kris Godinez or Terri Cole, can't remember which, about the elderly narc. Basically she was saying that as they age narcs realise that their power is slipping away. They have no physical power over you any more and all that is left is to play the "poor me" cards, or the "you will/won't get any inheritance" cards or the "you are so lovely" cards - the last of which is designed to massage your ego so you keep coming back.

My mother also has a long string of ex-friends. The only ones she keeps are those she sees very rarely (like once every couple of years). Any friendships where she sees them on a more regular basis seem to last for four years max and then they have a bust up or (more usually) the friend gradually slips away. I don't think you necessarily need to dread what your Dad has done to drive people away.  If he is a narc then outward appearances matter so outside of family he is unlikely to have done something utterly awful. They've probably just realised that the "friendship" is a one-way street and they are doing all the work.

[square]

Yes, be careful that his tales of woe don't move you to do more for him to compensate for everyone else, uh, "abandoning" him.

Observe, don't absorb. It's interesting, but not an action item for you in any way. I know you weren't planning on driving him to church, but this may be tugging at your "poor old man" heartstrings and that might lead you to soften your boundaries somewhere.

[p123]

Your experience broadly aligns with mine as my uNPD mother ages. She has started doing more love bomb type things recently. She has had a policy over the last couple of years of doing her usual monologue on the phone and then suddenly saying "But enough about me. What is going on in YOUR life?" Since I have been running grey rock for some years nothing ever is happening in my life, but once she has asked the question and I have given a non-answer she seems happy with that and normal monologue status is resumed. She also makes a point of saying how much she enjoys my visits. But her statements never seem spontaneous or genuine. It's like she has an internal tick-box.

I initially thought that perhaps the grey rock approach was "working" in some way to make her realise something is wrong. But I saw a video the other day. It was Kris Godinez or Terri Cole, can't remember which, about the elderly narc. Basically she was saying that as they age narcs realise that their power is slipping away. They have no physical power over you any more and all that is left is to play the "poor me" cards, or the "you will/won't get any inheritance" cards or the "you are so lovely" cards - the last of which is designed to massage your ego so you keep coming back.

My mother also has a long string of ex-friends. The only ones she keeps are those she sees very rarely (like once every couple of years). Any friendships where she sees them on a more regular basis seem to last for four years max and then they have a bust up or (more usually) the friend gradually slips away. I don't think you necessarily need to dread what your Dad has done to drive people away.  If he is a narc then outward appearances matter so outside of family he is unlikely to have done something utterly awful. They've probably just realised that the "friendship" is a one-way street and they are doing all the work.

Oh yes with Dad I get the "poor me" and lots of "give me a hug". Its weird....
As you say he knows is slipping away from him.

Oh yes to outward appearances Dad likes to come across as such a sweet old man. You're right these people have got sucked in and now realise how hard work he is.

[p123]

Yes, be careful that his tales of woe don't move you to do more for him to compensate for everyone else, uh, "abandoning" him.

Observe, don't absorb. It's interesting, but not an action item for you in any way. I know you weren't planning on driving him to church, but this may be tugging at your "poor old man" heartstrings and that might lead you to soften your boundaries somewhere.

Yeh. In a way I'm so glad I no longer live so close to him (I used to live 10 mins away - now its 30 mins+)

[p123]

Your experience broadly aligns with mine as my uNPD mother ages. She has started doing more love bomb type things recently. She has had a policy over the last couple of years of doing her usual monologue on the phone and then suddenly saying "But enough about me. What is going on in YOUR life?" Since I have been running grey rock for some years nothing ever is happening in my life, but once she has asked the question and I have given a non-answer she seems happy with that and normal monologue status is resumed. She also makes a point of saying how much she enjoys my visits. But her statements never seem spontaneous or genuine. It's like she has an internal tick-box.

I initially thought that perhaps the grey rock approach was "working" in some way to make her realise something is wrong. But I saw a video the other day. It was Kris Godinez or Terri Cole, can't remember which, about the elderly narc. Basically she was saying that as they age narcs realise that their power is slipping away. They have no physical power over you any more and all that is left is to play the "poor me" cards, or the "you will/won't get any inheritance" cards or the "you are so lovely" cards - the last of which is designed to massage your ego so you keep coming back.

My mother also has a long string of ex-friends. The only ones she keeps are those she sees very rarely (like once every couple of years). Any friendships where she sees them on a more regular basis seem to last for four years max and then they have a bust up or (more usually) the friend gradually slips away. I don't think you necessarily need to dread what your Dad has done to drive people away.  If he is a narc then outward appearances matter so outside of family he is unlikely to have done something utterly awful. They've probably just realised that the "friendship" is a one-way street and they are doing all the work.

Funny you should mention tick-box - Dad has an actual physical tick list for a conversation. I've sat in the house and hes ticking things off.....

"Ask P about letters from bank" - stuff he can't be bothered to read.
"Ask about family" - This is well weird and really annoys me that hes got to remind himself to be polite and ask how my wife and HIS grandchildren are. He has no interest in them AT ALL so know he just does this because he thinks he should.

[Happypants]

Call me suspicious, but my first reaction to this was that your dad might have started turning down her offer of a lift so that you could take him instead. After all, you've been reinforcing some boundaries with him recently, so he could be trying to involve you in new situations in an attempt to hold on to you.

[p123]

Call me suspicious, but my first reaction to this was that your dad might have started turning down her offer of a lift so that you could take him instead. After all, you've been reinforcing some boundaries with him recently, so he could be trying to involve you in new situations in an attempt to hold on to you.

Yeh he does do that but I'm not the only one who he expects to run around for him - he'd get the whole world doing it if he could.
Hes very strange. If someone does him a favour it becomes locked in for life, then he'll start saying things like "oh can you come at 10am instead of 1015am?". Eventually the person gets sick of it.