Mothers day again!

[Miss Kay]

Boy, this is a hard day for so many.  I can remember all those years dreading mothers day and the search for the "perfect" card.  They don't make cards for difficult mothers or at least I didn't find them.  Reading all the sweet and wonderful things on the card only made me feel worse because it showed me what others had that I could never experience.  But, life goes on and after nearly 50 years I finally had enough and went NC.  Looking back I should have done it earlier but if I had, I would have always questioned if I should have tried with her just one more time.  I tried enough to learn that she is what she is and she was not going to change.  I also finally knew who I was and that I deserved to be happy with my own family.  My mother had heart surgery and we were all gathered around in the waiting room (that was a horrible uncomfortable wait with my siblings who were split right down the middle by our mom).  The doctor came out and said we could come back to see her but he warned it would be very upsetting with all the tubes etc. and that she would not know we were there.  We gathered around her bed and my sister began crying.  I remember looking at our mom there in the bed clinging to life and the moment was surreal.  I felt nothing,   It was as if this was a total stranger to me.  I didn't feel love, I didn't feel hate, I simply felt as if I didn't belong to this bunch.  So, I did what I would have done if I had walked into any person's room like this, I prayed for her.  I knew in that moment that a life time of trying and being cut down had lead to this disconnect and that I was free to go about my life with no ties to this group of people who had worked so hard to expel me from the family.  I put in for a big promotion at work and got it.  It came with a paid move a thousand miles away.  We packed up our family and left without leaving them our contact information.  It was hard yes but I also felt safer.  I knew neither she nor my golden child siblings would come knocking on my door to cause a scene.  I continued to have a relationship with two of my brothers who were healthy enough to see the dynamics of our family and understood.  After Eight years of no contact I got the call that she had died.  I was not going to go to the funeral but my niece wanted me to be there with and for her.  She was also considered an outcast so I agreed.  I actually wanted to know how I would feel, what would this be like.  I had heard so much, as I'm sure you have, things like "but she's your mother", or "you'll regret not having made your peace with her when she dies", or "it's your duty to honor your mother".  So I went.  The room was equally divided.  The ones she had controlled to the end sat on the left and the ones who saw her as the source of the family dysfunction were on the right.  There was no arguing, no mingling, just each group staying to themselves.  And, I got my answer.  I did not feel regret, sadness, anger, or or a sense of loss.  I felt free for the first time.  This was truly a chapter of my life I could now close.  I seriously cannot remember what year she died now but I think it was around 2016.  I have never shed a tear over losing her.  I shed all those tears many years before when I could not figure out why my own mother would hate me and do her best to destroy me.  Nope, the time to wish things had been different were long gone.  I knew she was who she was and couldn't be anything other than so it was up to me to decide how best to live my life free from abuse and that was to go NC, all out.  To this day my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.  But of course, just when I thought it was all behind me, a hateful letter arrived from beyond the grave.  She wrote it when she was near death and gave it to my brother to mail to me after her death.  (by then he had stalked me online until he found my address}.  It was short and hateful.  She just wanted to tell me I would get nothing of hers, which was fine and not a surprise.  It was upsetting at first but I have come to see it as a gift.  If I had gotten the letter that said she was sorry and wished our relationship could have been different or that she loved me, I would have forever regretted not giving her one last chance.  As it stands, it is proof to me that I made the right choice to walk away and work on heeling the scars from a lifetime of abuse.  I will always carry those scars and will always be lacking in what I should have received in building my psyche as a baby and child but I am as near to being whole as one can get I suppose.  I am happy and I am thankful for this forum that showed me it wasn't me - it was her.  I am proof that life does get better and no the world does not come tumbling down when our NC parent passes away.  So this mothers day, celebrate your survival.  Celebrate being the strong one who had the self preservation to get away from your abuser.   Know that you are not the first to go through this and will not be the last but you can be the one to break the cycle in your own life.                         

[SunnyMeadow]

Good post Miss Kay, thanks for sharing.  It shows that even with the pain of what you went through, there is hope for peace and strength. Really awful that you received the Hateful Letter. But I see your point about that sort of letter vs the loving, regretful kind.

The world definitely doesn't come crumbling down when the PD parent passes away. I felt relief,  and the unfamiliar feeling of Freedom. Much different than what she would have expected.

[LoverofPeace]

Hello Miss Kay,

Wow, what a powerful post! Thank you for it, because you summed it up so well the type of things a lot of us adult children of narcissist mothers go through. The title itself sums it up, 'Mother's Day Again!".  It sucks because -- and I hate doing this -- but I can't help counting down the days while also trying to ignore that it's coming. It feels like you're on a train track speeding towards something that you wish would change tracks before it gets there. The good thing is we now have these forums, lessons, and teachers who can help us navigate through it all.

I'm glad you mentioned the funeral issue, too. I have been searching for thoughts on what a person who's gone NC with a narcissist parent or other close family members would do upon a funeral. Though you ended up going to your mom's, I feel I won't be able to if I wanted. I don't feel safe at all. This is the same for my (step) grandmother when she passes. It's like I've been triple teamed by those two, plus a malignant narcissistic sister. I have been dealing for years with those three with no real support of others. I should have been like my other sister who was the peaceful one and stayed away from everyone for years. Unfortunately, she passed away over a year ago. But I already know she was very nonconfrontational, so either she wouldn't have attended or in the miracle she did, she wouldn't say much. She was the wise one.

Long story short, after many years of being supportive of them and going through physical, mental, and emotional pain because of it, I finally have called it quits with going NC, thanks to forums like these. It's funny, because one suggestion is to try low contact. I started out trying that and like on Mother's Day, continued to send regards except this time without all that effort, i.e., I went through all that stress for years taking the mom and grand out for dinner, then finally learning I could scale it back but trying to make sure to find the right card, with the right words, the right colors, etc. And I had to always do these things dealing with more than one narc. That ish was crazy when I think about it now! So once my eyes started opening, I would just send my mother a text and stepgrand a phone call. I planned to keep doing it this way, but because the abuse had escalated, I went full NC since the past holidays. What I realized is that low contact thing is impossible with them! It's either all in or all out. I know for me, at least.

So, this is the first time without any cards, calls, texts, nothing. Today, I only texted my nephew who lost my dearly departed sister and a longtime friend of mine. And like you, it feels freeing!

By the way, if you or anyone know of any videos, articles, etc. about how to handle NC and funerals, please let me know. Being they're elderly, this is one subject that's been heavy on my mind along with these dang holidays. I mean, I love certain holidays but I love them for myself and wish it didn't have to include them taking up our headspace for the cheer we should be able to just have. I'm definitely a work in progress to make sure I stay purely happy! I know that God is guiding me and I'm so thankful!

Wishing you and everyone here pure happiness, too. Enjoy your day for you!