Broke my TV remote

[Danie]

Last Sunday we got a call from my uBPD mom at 3 pm. Her central air was not working even though a service guy had been there Friday. So again my H and I hopped in the car and drove 12 miles to her house to help. When we arrived she was slumped in her stairwell and very despondent. It was warm in her house (80 degrees), but she had on long knit pants, a T-shirt and a flannel bathrobe. I suggested she get to her lower, cooler level and take off the robe, at least, and add some ice to her water. She wouldn't cooperate, at all. She just wanted it fixed.

My H checked it over and it wasn't working so we tried to get to the bottom of the issue. She said the guy that serviced her AC was a jerk. She said not to call them back. She had another company "written" on a piece of paper to call --- this was Sunday evening and a heat wave was upon us. I was confused. Then she said, "call the community action council" they will help her pay for it.

To help her get through the night we went to Home Depot and I bought her a tower cooling fan.  We set her up with that, a ceiling fan and another box fan. She said she would be okay for the night. I guess she either had trouble with the fan switches, broke it, or lied because at 1:30 AM the police called my husband, got him out of bed, and ordered him to go pick her up. He drove back and she had 2 paramedics, the neighbor, and 5 police officers standing in her living room. She said the cooling fan was broken.  The police said he had to take her back to our house, which he did. I had several phone calls from her, on my phone, that I hadn't heard; plus she had been calling my sister that never answered. Of course I was awake by now and when I got up at 3 and saw her sitting in my living room I lost my shit! I told he she couldn't stay, threw my TV remote and called the police from my city. When they showed up they said they wouldn't throw an 82 year-old woman on the street (like she did to me at 14).

H took her back home and went and purchased a window air conditioner at 6am and rigged it in her sliding patio door. Then he went to work, all day, on 2 hours of sleep. I got a hold of the company that did her AC tune-up on Friday because I knew somehow she sabotaged this whole thing. They said they gave her free Freon because she was mad at them for not carrying a garden hose to rinse off her AC unit. They were concerned that her AC wasn't working well and went back to her house right away and found out they hadn't added enough Freon and added more and made it work - for free of course.

I am still in shock. What nerve it took for her to put all these people through this. I have also decided not to refer to her as my "mom" because then people have expectations that you are obligated to care for her. From now on she is just the egg-donor.

[moglow]

  I don't even have the words for all this. Seriously, you go through all that only to get another call at 130am?? I understand your empathy and the police response as well [their hands are tied too, something has to be done particularly with her a senior], but how long can anyone sustain this.

Danie, she may be at the point where she can't stay there alone, may need a whole other level of care elsewhere which means a big family discussion and likely a doctor's evaluation she's not going to like. Where's her POA in all this - did mother even tell her what was going on or just dump it all in your lap?

[Sneezy]

Oh my gosh, what a mess.  Two things struck me right away. First, I wonder if your mom has some dementia or cognitive decline?  I know I have to keep reminding my mom (covert NPD in her eighties) not to wear a black sweater and tights when it's 100 degrees outside.  It's like she doesn't always understand appropriate dress for the weather (which can be a sign of dementia).  The other thing that struck me is the police officer's reaction.  It may depend on what country you are in, but in the U.S. I don't believe there is any state or city where a police officer can demand that you bring someone else (even a parent) into your home.  In the case of a heat-related medical emergency, they can certainly try to get you to take her.  But the proper thing to do, if the police are concerned about her well-being, is for the police to call an ambulance to take her to the emergency room.  Just keep that in mind in case something similar happens in the future.  You are not obligated to take anyone into your home, not even a parent.  I once used this knowledge to get an ER doctor to perform more tests on my elderly mom.  The doctor insisted that mom had to come home with me and I told the doctor that I had no legal obligation to take her, so unless the doctor did a more thorough exam, I was going to leave without my mom and the doctor could deal with it.  The doctor was surprised, but she did agree to do some more tests.  You really need to stick to your guns with this tactic, though.

[Fiasco]

Funny when they are "so helpless" they don't know to take off their bathrobe when they're hot but can still manage to have a freakin laundry list of people to call, demands to make, things people "owe" them for free, and all that isn't it? This sounds exactly like my BPDm and her stunts.

There are two things to consider here. The first is don't show up (your or hubby) for these shows. If you want to block her number you would be within your rights but certainly turn your ringer off at night. EMS and police were already there, they are big boy and girl professionals who don't need your help. They can figure out if dear old egg donor needs to go to the hospital for medical or psychiatric care or not, and will act accordingly.

The other thing to consider is if you are genuinely concerned she's having dementia symptoms you can call adult protective services and let them know a vulnerable senior may be in danger. If she calls you with an emergency you call emergency services or encourage her to do so. Getting professionals to her house is going to do a lot more for an eventual case of guardianship if that's something you want to pursue. I will tell you right now that adult people in even a fraction of their right mind have rights and you can't just "take over" for an adult no matter what risky or dangerous decisions they make. Anyone who tells you it's your responsibility is wrong.

[justducky]

Oh my goodness, Danie, what a nightmare!  I'm so sorry you all went through that.

Funny when they are "so helpless" they don't know to take off their bathrobe when they're hot but can still manage to have a freakin laundry list of people to call, demands to make, things people "owe" them for free, and all that isn't it?

  (assuming dementia isn't at play in uBDP mom's case)

[Pepin]

Oh my goodness, Danie, what a nightmare!  I'm so sorry you all went through that.

Funny when they are "so helpless" they don't know to take off their bathrobe when they're hot but can still manage to have a freakin laundry list of people to call, demands to make, things people "owe" them for free, and all that isn't it?

  (assuming dementia isn't at play in uBDP mom's case)

Have to agree.  Sounds like now is the time to get an evaluation for her.  If she needs that many people to maintain her 24/7, then it is probably best that she be moved into AL or some other sort of facility upon family agreement.  And your husband is doing waaaaay more than is reasonable. 

[square]

Just want to say I was furious on your behalf reading that

[Danie]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. It is extremely helpful.

[Sneezy]

I will tell you right now that adult people in even a fraction of their right mind have rights and you can't just "take over" for an adult no matter what risky or dangerous decisions they make. Anyone who tells you it's your responsibility is wrong.

This is so true!  Many people, including police officers, doctors, well-meaning relatives, and total strangers think we can just take over and care for our elderly parents.  And they blame us and try to make us take responsibility for something that is completely outside of our control.

An example - my uHMIL is in memory care.  DH has a general POA and his brother has a medical POA.  And we can't make MIL do anything she doesn't want to do.  She has the legal right to walk out the door and leave the facility if she wants.  She doesn't know she has this right.  She thinks she can't leave.  And that is why she doesn't leave.  But legally, we can't make her stay there.  She also has the right to refuse showers, physical therapy, and medication (all of which she has refused at times).  Unless we go through the long and expensive process of obtaining guardianship, we really can't make her do anything.  And even with a guardianship order in place, all we could do is make her stay at the facility.  She would still have the right to refuse showers, therapy, and medication.  Unless someone is an imminent danger to themselves or others, no judge will order them to take medication or any other type of medical or therapeutic care.

It's frustrating, but it's also freeing in a way.  Once we realize that we are not responsible for them and couldn't force them to accept help even if we wanted to run their lives, it makes it a little easier to step back.