Need help preserving my peace

[MIB]

Hi Friends,

I'd really appreciate your perspective on how to preserve my peace from my UPDM.

I was VvvvvvvvvLC with my UPD parents until my Dad died suddenly just over a year ago. I'm am only child, my mother is a housewife and my Dad did everything (she didn't know how to pump gas or pay a type scenario). So I stepped up despite our issues and helped her a ton - planned the funeral, helped arrange her finances, attended lawyer meetings, spent days selling Dad's business. This was truly done out of the goodness of my heart, as there is nothing in it for me financially.

Fast forward to this week when my 92 year old grandmother with Parkinson's fell in the bathtub and was there for a day and a half before they found her. She's (miraculously) fine, but cue the family finger pointing and drama.  In a nutshell, neither my mom nor my uncle (her brother) put any supports into place for her (PSW visits, physical support equipment , personal alarm...nothing). I tried numerous times before this happened to facilitate the conversation that they needed to do something - all of which was of course ignored. In fact, right now Granny is living in my uncle's house while he's off at the cottage and mom sits at home and my uncle's wife (who is still working while the other two aren't) is caring for Granny. The selfishness and lack of responsibility on my mom/uncles behalf is mind blowing.

Anyway, I get a text from my mother on Monday that I need to call granny (which I previously tried to do and left a VM) and that I should "show some compassion to my family", making reference to "karma".

Well isn't That bloody rich?! A) how quickly she forgets all I did for her (when I didn't have to)  and b) what is she doing to help her own mother!? Apparently in my family, compassion is demonstrated by swearing, hand wringing and worrying vs actually doing something. And don't get me started on karma - my mother is a Giant Black Pit of Needs who does nothing for anyone.

So I sent her a very Curt reply in that regard (leaving out the Black Pit part) and subsequently blocked her number. After a year of *way more* interactions than I ever wanted with her, and her complete ingratitude and sense of entitlement, quite frankly I'm done. I just want to drop the rope. She brings zero value to my life or that of my family, takes no interest in any of us (she actually texted my this weekend to ask me how old I am - *remember that this is my mother and I'm an only child *) and just causes me burden and stress.

Sorry for the vent...I needed that.

My question is - should I leave her blocked indefinitely (she can still email me, and I let my cousin know the situation and that she can reach me if needed)? And should I bother let her know why?

Appreciate your advice.
MIB

[moglow]

MIB, I feel ya. Honestly, I'm not sure that any amount of explanations would reach her or that she wouldn't fall back on her standards of excuses and accusations. [I say this because of my own experience, sounds like yours is similar. Mine is also uninterested and entitled, and any indication of holding her accountable, pointing out personal responsibility etc she blows like a volcano.]

They may well have a very similar relationship with their mother as you have/had with yours. Them all separating and looking to others to "help" is pretty rich - reminds me of years ago my grandmother in hospital and "who's going to stay with her?" It somehow fell to me, even though all the local aunts and uncles/her children were retired and available while I had a full time job... Big picture I had no objection but they seemed to feel all self righteous that it was "taken care of" while doing nothing themselves.

It may help you to separate the relationships, take each on its own merits and work outward from there. Do what YOU feel is best and are able to do, and make no apologies or explain your choices to anyone.


Karma my ass.

[Starboard Song]

Sorry for the vent...I needed that.

My question is - should I leave her blocked indefinitely (she can still email me, and I let my cousin know the situation and that she can reach me if needed)? And should I bother let her know why?

No need to apologize: that was a constructive vent, so well done!

If she has any pattern at all of texting hot-takes, I'd suggest leaving her texts blocked indefinitely. I believe we should plan and organize our communications in ways likely to achieve our goals. If you were vvvvvvLC before, you probably will want to end up vvvvvvvvLC again. I'd block her texts, or not, and tell her about it, or not, based on what will make that the most plausible and peaceful.

On the face of it, getting blocked omn any form of communications is upsetting even for healthy for folks. For toxic folks, far more so. A little white lie that delivers the news is sufficient: "If you need anything, please call or email. I am unable to receive your texts."

If you needed to block calls, too, a little white lie is less plausible. We flatly told my in-laws that their written communications were consistently marked by false accusations and inflammatory condemnation, so we no longer accepted communications in writing. Didn't go well, but we were straight up.

At the end of the day, though, whatever you decide, I commend to you the references in the top line of my signature. I wish for you a strength so bold that petty comments like hers don't puncture your skin. Less is not weakness, but that sort of strength is something to aspire to.

[moglow]

 
ALL that!

If she has any pattern at all of texting hot-takes, I'd suggest leaving her texts blocked indefinitely. I believe we should plan and organize our communications in ways likely to achieve our goals. If you were vvvvvvLC before, you probably will want to end up vvvvvvvvLC again. I'd block her texts, or not, and tell her about it, or not, based on what will make that the most plausible and peaceful.

I mistakenly unblocked mine, more than once, and have deeply regretted it. It's not always easy but it does simplify so much for me. Where I invariably messed up was in trying to explain myself and my choices to others. Try and not do that to yourself - others can see and feel whatever they will. It's not your responsibility to make that all right for them.

[Cat of the Canals]

I agree wholeheartedly with what was said above. I don't believe much is gained by letting her know why -- it's usually just grounds for them to argue and send out the Flying Monkeys. The only reason I can think of doing so is for your own peace of mind, should it be something you feel you need to do.

[Starboard Song]

 

This is becoming the "yeah, that" thread for those of us who've been there. I felt a strong moral need to explain, so I did: I explained they were too undisciplined in their writings, but were free to call me at any time. I explained that spoken communications allow continued flexibility and require immediate accountability, and that they desperately needed both.

We went NC when they couldn't maintain even a modicum of decency, and got even nastier in writing. After that, I rarely ever again explained. Our NC statement, in my mind, shifted all the burden of understanding and figuring out onto their shoulders.

[MIB]

Thank you so much for your kind and wise responses. I really appreciate this forum so much. ❤️

With your help, I came to the realization that she can still reach me by email - I haven't yet blocked that. So if she wants to, she can reach me, but with a tool that I can check when I want to without being imposed upon.

Perhaps if the situation requires, I can simply state, "I need some space but if you need me you can reach me by email." So the door is open a bit but can't be thrown open wildly whenever she bloody well feels like it lol.

I also spoke with my cousin and uncle today. The nice thing was they totally get it and are leaning towards doing the same. We are certainly not conspiring in this regard, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels/sees this.

I really do wish I had a "normal", loving, and caring mother. Many days I feel like I didn't exactly win the "Family Lottery" and its sad that this is it. But I truly felt a lot better the way things were before, and aside from my dad dying, nothing changed with our dynamic. So I think this is where we need to return.

Thank you for the support - I appreciate it ❤️