5 steps back

[Happiness_3]

Hello all. I hope all of you are doing well. It's been a while since I last had the strength to update on the uPDx's behaviour. After his visit to my city, he went to the psychiatric ward (and seemingly, in his words) was denied admission on the ground that he wasn't "that bad." Well, he was. He was awful, and he is again. I grey rocked him with minimal contact, zero care-taking and no rescuing - I confided in my father of how gruesome the situation had become. I have support from him and that feels good to have, but at the same time the uPDx has seem to have completely lost it. One night he called me demanding an explanation as to why I'm no longer supporting him or his betterment by staying in touch with him. I realised a few minutes later that I was JADEing uselessly, so I said I simply do not care to explain it to you anymore given the circumstances and the behaviour you have exhibited. He also sent apologies to the people he bad mouthed about me to, and promised he would not stop his psychiatric treatment. Although tantalising, this false promise didn't hold much on me so I continued strongly. He disappeared for a few days and suddenly texted me last night saying he hasn't ate or drank in 5 days and is hoping to pass away soon. I was, for starters, confused. Why must he inform me of this? This has to be either a call for help or for attention. I asked for his location so I could call the ambulance or the police but apparently he has stranded himself away from everything because he is tired. It was confusing and he kept asking me where I was, which I did not understand the relevance of, but given his stalking habits I would not be surprised if even at this exact moment I'd feel a tap on my shoulder from him. He doesn't seem to realise how this affects me, and I was reading about the brain activity of narcissists to find out that they physically cannot feel empathy. This is news to me, because this implies he is a class actor. I don't understand what I am supposed to do, I am finally back in my city where I study and today woke up afraid for his life and had the awful thought of asking him to come see me again. Why must we crave them when we know they bring us nothing but pain?
I continue to read Fjelstad. I wish she knew how much she has helped all of us by writing her books. When she explains I feel so exactly understood, it's amazing. I also find myself engaging in religious activities now, I have never been a believer but I have nobody to turn to and it sincerely helps. I might keep it up. In the meantime, let us all hope my uPDx finds some cosmic sense to be better and stop scaring me with his self-destructive mock consequence teaching habit.
Love and luck, H.

[bloomie]

Hi and thanks for sharing this update.

What a swirl of confusion and chaos these interactions seem to be. You have held strong and not lost your head in the midst of it all. That shows strength and wisdom. I am thankful you are finding support in your reading and pursuing faith activities. Again, choosing healthy coping is good self care.

I hope you are having a better day today.

[Starboard Song]

He disappeared for a few days and suddenly texted me last night saying he hasn't ate or drank in 5 days and is hoping to pass away soon.

Why must we crave them when we know they bring us nothing but pain?

Thank you for the update. It takes courage to share here, and it is a good exercise. I don't know why we get caught up with such people, but I do know this:

You are a grown adult. You are strong. You are in control of yourself. You know that a healed person wouldn't go on a discretionary hunger strike. You know that a very sick person cannot be forced to change, or even saved from themselves. You know he "is awful." I know you can choose whether or not to engage again. You can choose to whether to call him or to block his number.

I wish you so much good strength. Consider finding a picture of yourself from when you were quite young, and sitting it on the table in front of you. Explain to that sweet person what you want for her. What you think she ought to do. What mistakes -- right now -- you don't want her to make. You are that sweet young person, and you are qualified, more than any of us, to give her advice.

Good, healthy strength to you.

[1footouttadefog]

It's great you have the strength to share, and are understanding the play by play of this narcissist drama.

Stay strong.  How nice that you are free enough from the grip this all had on your life that you can explore spiritual things.  It's pretty common for us nons to give up so many aspects of our selves in sacrifice to a pd relatiinship, willingly or otherwise. 

Rebuilding yourself with holistic self care will make you less vulnerable to him or other pds.