NC for almost 2 years - but uBPDMom broke her foot. What should I do?

[kelleron]

Hi everyone,

I have been NC with my uBPD Mom for 1.75 years. My aunt (her sister) texted me today that mom broke her foot.

Whole mom’s side of the family is toxic, including aunt. I know aunt expects me to do something. I’m not replying her because I would like some empathetic folks’ feedback first, so I came here.

I don’t want to see mom as I don’t feel ready. She recently sent a very long and hurtful email about me (and other family members) TO those exact people. Essentially she was telling everyone exactly what she thought of them, in essay format.

I believe she has been going to family therapy with my brother. Has not been that useful, according to him. Therapist, as expected, tries to listen to both people as if they are both healthy and functional, but of course my mom is not. Not the therapist’s fault - they’re just doing their job.

I feel conflicted. Still love my mom but don’t want her in my life. Unsure of what to do. Any advice? Feel free to ask questions to clarify. I myself am not very sure how best to process this 

[SunnyMeadow]

The good news is you don't have to do a thing. She's gotten along without you for almost 2 years so I'd stay NC. Just because she broke her foot doesn't mean you need to change your no contact for any reason. Especially hearing that your mother recently sent a long, hurtful essay shows she's not a safe person for you. She didn't change due to therapy.

I'd stay exactly where you are, protected by no contact. Maybe blocking your aunt would be a good thing too.

Sorry you're going through this struggle kelleron.

[moglow]

Don't respond to or communicate with toxic aunt, for starters. She'll just sell the poison and that serves no one. There no appropriate response here, for anyone. Informing you doesn't require a response and contacting your mother wouldn't necessarily help you either. I'm sorry her foot is broken but I'm not sure what you can do there.

[kelleron]

Thanks for the replies. It's true, @moglow and @sunnymeadow, my mom is absolutely the worst. I don't need to do anything.

Have replied aunt with a simple "oh. How is she?". Turns out my aunt hasn't visited her either, so she doesn't know.

Have been speaking to some supportive people in my life, and I realised now, more than ever, that my mom's side of the family did not care that I was being abused by my mom. Whether as a 10yo child, a 16yo teen or as a 23yo grown adult - they always wanted me to continue being the scapegoat. Why? Because it was easier than confronting the truth. It was easier than working with a therapist. It was easier than reflecting on their own lives and working on themselves.

Damn. I really hope she gets her shit together and goes to a therapist. But you are right - she's no good for me. I know I should stay away, but she's all alone and I worry about her (dad has passed away). There's still my bro and aunt who kinda does stuff though.

I feel if I initiate contact because I feel guilty or worried, it would just encourage more of doing dramatic things. Read so many posts of people with PDs saying they are about to die and all that to get kids to feel guilty and contact them. 

Though I know I should stay away, I feel like a bad person for being selfish and protecting myself. At the same time, I feel like the fact I'm so easily feeling guilty shows even more that I'm still healing. I genuinely don't feel ready to face her. Maybe just that feeling is enough of a reason not to visit.

Sorry for rambling. I really appreciate you guys listening and taking the time to write stuff.

[footprint33]

Hi Kelleron,

I've written here recently about how I maintained full NC for 6+ years but then broke NC very briefly, reached out to my father because I heard he was ill. In the end, my father and the larger family showed that they are as toxic as ever, and they only used my reaching out as a way to hurt me again.

You need to do what's best for you, but please do not feel pressured into contacting your mother. Most likely, she and the toxic family will find a way to twist your good intentions around on you.

hugs,
footprint

[donutmoonpanda]

I just want to second SunnyMeadow: "The good news is you don't have to do a thing."
and moglow: "Don't respond to or communicate with toxic aunt"
and footprint: "Most likely, she and the toxic family will find a way to twist your good intentions around on you."

No matter how much the toxic family wants to whip you into a frenzy and get you involved again, you can Just. Do. Nothing. I think that's an excellent idea.

[blacksheep7]

Though I know I should stay away, I feel like a bad person for being selfish and protecting myself. At the same time, I feel like the fact I'm so easily feeling guilty shows even more that I'm still healing. I genuinely don't feel ready to face her. Maybe just that feeling is enough of a reason not to visit.

Sorry for rambling. I really appreciate you guys listening and taking the time to write stuff.

Good thing that you don't have to involve yourself to her.  She has other people to take care of her.

We've all felt guilty when thinking and going nc.  Those  messages/beliefs  from our Pd parents of who we should be  are hard to break, they do subside to eventually disappear.

I did break nc after 3 yrs with Covert M to go back to nc three yrs later.  Five years now, with no regrets.

Do not forget why you went nc in the first place....not because you are a bad or selfish person.   

[Pepin]

Since you are already doing NC, I'd keep to it.  Breaking one's foot isn't on the list of life altering things and she certainly isn't the first.  Sounds like she already has a slew of family around her for support  - so let them have at it.  This is just a hoover.  Hugs and I am sorry you are going through this. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Breaking one's foot isn't on the list of life altering things and she certainly isn't the first. 

Exactly. Not to be unempathetic, but a broken foot? Big whoop. This is why crutches and wheelchairs were invented.

My BPD/NPD mom broke her foot a few years back, and boy did she milk that for all it was worth. She acted like the doctor had prescribed bedrest.

[kelleron]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for sharing your experiences and thoughts. It's very calming to hear from people who've gone through similar things.

I'm convinced that I should not be reaching out. Experiences from @footprint33, @blacksheep7 and @catofcanals show that toxic family will likely use this as a hoover.

I really appreciate the sharing. I just hope more people outside this forum will understand. Don't want to lose those on my dad's side too. Big hugs to everyone who replied, you guys the real MVPs!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Looks like a big fat hoover to me, too. If the worst thing that's happened to your mother since you've gone NC on her is her breaking her foot, God bless her. Is she supposed to be unable to cope with the pain of NC as well as the pain in her foot? And it's your responsibility to soothe her? Interesting your aunt hasn't visited her either and just whistled for you.  I truly don't understand why this happening in her life should lead to your changing your boundaries with her, even from a flying monkey's perspective, or from those "other people" on your dad's side. A broken foot is not her being about to die, or anything more than a temporary inconvenience. Not a life altering event. If it's so bad you can't be in contact... it's so bad you can't be in contact. 

My father tried to use a car accident as hoover. He could have died, after all! But, he didn't, and he apparently wasn't changed much himself by the near-death experience.

Illness and injury, and ultimately death, are guaranteed. If she dies or is otherwise hurt while you are still NC, it doesn't make your reasons or your need for the boundary wrong. It's an occasion for grief for me when information like the car accident get through to me, as well as validation. You almost died and faced your Maker and here you are still being abusive and manipulative. Yep, staying right where I am thanks. It would be nice to have a mom you could safely send a bouquet to, or go visit, just because you cared, wouldn't it? But you see the cost as too high, so you are doing well to take care of yourself here.

[mary_poppins]

Hi everyone,

I have been NC with my uBPD Mom for 1.75 years. My aunt (her sister) texted me today that mom broke her foot.

Whole mom's side of the family is toxic, including aunt. I know aunt expects me to do something. I'm not replying her because I would like some empathetic folks' feedback first, so I came here.

I don't want to see mom as I don't feel ready. She recently sent a very long and hurtful email about me (and other family members) TO those exact people. Essentially she was telling everyone exactly what she thought of them, in essay format.

I believe she has been going to family therapy with my brother. Has not been that useful, according to him. Therapist, as expected, tries to listen to both people as if they are both healthy and functional, but of course my mom is not. Not the therapist's fault - they're just doing their job.

I feel conflicted. Still love my mom but don't want her in my life. Unsure of what to do. Any advice? Feel free to ask questions to clarify. I myself am not very sure how best to process this 

My advice is to read the posts of people who went NC here, on this forum. You can see some of the folks got news of their parents' sickness or even death and they decided not to break NC. Some of the members broke NC briefly to attend the PD parent's funeral but some didn't bother.
Breaking a leg is nothing serious. It's not a life sentence. Your mother will deal with it, she's an adult not a child. She has her sources of supplies that will provide her with that much needed comfort.

There's nothing you can do in this situation. Since you're not a nurse or a doctor, you can only encourage her or support her emotionally.
However, since she is abusive/a PD, she won't take your emotional support very lightly. I noticed that PD parents or people don't like to be supported, encouraged, coddled. They dislike affection and love. It's like they're allergic to normal, human, empathetic behaviors.

As a result, I don't think she'll accept your emotional support. And that's true especially since you have gone NC with her. She will use your NC to punish you and abuse you even more. When you go NC with a PD parent and then break NC, they'll try to punish you for daring to distance yourself from them. I know because I also broke NC. My punishment was to be excluded from family gatherings, decisions and meetings and be treated as a scapegoat, outsider, 'trouble-maker'.

I don't believe it's worth to resume contact. But it's your decision and if you really want to do something about it, do it. I know I didn't listen to those people who told me not to break NC, who warned me it will get worse if I resume a relationship with them. They were right, my life did get worse.

[Liketheducks]

Massive hoover.......

You don't have to do anything.   I broke VLC when I received news of my mother's minor heart attack.   (Up until then we hadn't spoken for a couple of years) When I called, she started shouting at me that "you need to fix this".   What in the WHAT?    Fix the relationship, mom chain smoking for the last 60 years, her lack of exercise or properly nutrition......   I stayed abreast of the situation, but kept my boundaries up.   She still maligns me to the rest of the family over it.   
   

[sandpiper]

Rent Silence of the Lambs & every time you feel tempted to break NC, watch the scene where the killer pretends to be lame and then bashes his victim over the head and throws her in the back of a van and then holds her prisoner in a hole in the ground, and repeat after me 'I am not that girl.'

Seriously - this stuff is hard.
Both my uPD sisters have done the broken ankle thing over the years.
The good thing is that people no longer tell me about it, because my response when they tell me this stuff is to say 'She's lucky she has you to look after her.' And then I change the subject. If you keep repeating 'If you're worried about her then you can look after her,' people very quickly learn that it's not a satisfying experience to make that phone call. The other good response to people like your aunt dumping on you is to have a handy list of deflections ready to counter it. 'Oh, that's unfortunate. What are you going to do about it?' For the seriously invasive flying monkeys, I like this one. 'If X wanted my support then she knows where to find me and she can call me if she wants to. Since she has not called me and you are the one calling me, I am going to assume that she doesn't want me there and I'm not going to violate her wishes by acting on yours.' The trick with a flying monkey is to always dump it back on them and then point out that their meddling may not be welcome.
It's awful not being able to support them but truly - as the saying goes here, no good deed goes unpunished. Ever.

[Jolie40]

years ago, MIL fell downstairs going to basement & broke foot

she didn't even tell husband & I !
when we went on an out of state visit, that's when we found out
she was getting around fine

so no need to do anything, kelleron

[sandpiper]

I spent a few weeks with my foot in plaster hobbling around on crutches, following surgery.
In that time the PDs in my family & DH just stepped up the ridiculous demands from me.
UBPDsis wanted me to babysit her two kids under five, who both had serious behavioural issues.
This the day after I'd had surgery.
NPDFIL demanded that I put in an appearance for some fluff piece in his honour at the local sports club and he complained when I had to leave because the pain-killers stopped working & I had to leave. (Which I did very quietly so that I wouldn't take the attention away from him.)
The next day he was so angry that when I hobbled downstairs on my crutches, he made a tray of tea for himself & MIL and didn't even bother to offer me a cup of tea. I had to make my own & stand at the kitchen counter to drink it because I couldn't weight-bear on the foot that had a 7 inch hole in it from my surgery.
If I could go back in time, I would follow Dame Helen Mirren's advice about telling people to go jump in the lake when that is what they really need to be told.