Is this weird?

[Seeking]

I'm going through a lot of emotions right now at the period of time where I was married to what I suspect was pwBPD.  At least that was the general area based off of behaviors.

Earlier this year I got word through a 3rd party that the former spouse died.  At first I thought it was a scam or something for her to get out of some financial obligations.  I had gone totally NC on her, her surviving family ( a brother with his own issues ). changed my #, deleted all socials, new emails.   

Then the court stuff since it still was an active case because of alimony I had to go to court to get an order to take to vital statistics so I could obtain a certified death certificate to send to the court so they could release the order for alimony. 

When I got that certificate all I felt was relief and the "wondering" if she was going to go back to court to demand more alimony, or something went away.  Things were good on the emotional front. Until recently.  Now it's like a tangled root ball of a briar bush an mix of fresh anger, hurt, sadness, grief and pity for the person I was that went through 20+ years.

I don't know how the nervous system / brain works these things.  Is it weird for the tangled root ball of emotions to arise now when several months before all I felt was relief because that threat was gone. 

[NarcKiddo]

I don't think it is at all weird. I have never been in a situation even remotely similar but it seems to me that you may not ever have been able to grieve the parts of the history that need grieving. And there are possibly a lot of those. There is the person you loved and married - even if they did not turn out to be that person, they were still that person in your head when you married them. That likely needs grieving. Then there is likely grief over the relationship, what you wanted it to be even if it wasn't. And as you point out the grief for yourself and what you went through for all that time. While the alimony was still going you might have tried to grieve all that, but there was still a link. Maybe that prevented you from grieving fully. Now there is no chance of any further communication from her about anything, and that leaves you free to process what could not be processed before.

[Seeking]

Hi NarcKiddo,
Thanks for your reply. Appreciate it.   I did a lot of grieving before the marriage ended. Even through the 3 years of uncertainty around the court situation.  And shoot, I figured since the relief was so freaking strong, I thought that I was "good".  I mean there are occasional pieces parts of a memory pop up from that period of time but usually those are examples of the patterns the former spouse would do.  Not on a regular thing, no heavy duty memories driving into the now. 

Very true. No possible communications

[Seeking]

Interesting. 

It seems that my nervous system has a timeline that I'm just now finding out about.  From what I've been finding about is how the nervous system has felt "safe" enough for long enough then the bodies temprature settings start going to a more typical base line rather than remain in the configuration of "fight / flight" which can cause a person to feel chilled / cold.  And it's not a smooth switch.  Well been having night sweats the last couple of days along with accounting the cost of what that marriage took from me. The time, the blood, sweat, tears, going over and above all for ????? {haven't figured that part out yet}.

I'm in zero hurry to enter the dating market again.  I'm still healing and until that's "good", till then I'll pass. Not going to experience the same hell twice.  I'd rather stay stag rather than having that happen.

To those that are wondering about how life looks after you get clear.  It's awesome.  You can simply be and if you want to have cereal for dinner go for it.  Over the 3 years after the divorce was finalized I still marvel at how little trash I generate.  How the residence is always at the perfect temperature.  along the way there have been events that helped me come back to myself.  The first time I got the brand of milk that I actually prefer.. I realized just how much of myself I pruned back in an attempt to "keep the peace" which nothing I did ever worked as something that could be repeated.  Please don't be me.  The stress literally almost killed me.  Get out, get clear, save yourself. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am going to say one very clear-eyed "No" to answer the question on the subject line.

It is NOT weird for the tangled root ball of emotions to arise when several months before you felt relief when the identified threat was gone. 
   
The puzzling aspect to me was to feel such a huge weight lifted and to know how heavy it had been. You feel lighter and the sun shines brighter. There were a couple times I was driving alone in my car to work, and I would just laugh at how good the liberation felt. I thought for I turned the corner and left all the slime behind forever.
 
Recent deaths in my family brought it all back. I felt so disappointed (and sad) to think of what was still lying so close to the surface.     
   
I think maybe it is the "complex" part of C-PTSD? The stress of all that stuff is real. 
           
I think it might be something many of us experience and we recover in a cadence our biology can process. We are resilient though. Just to no longer live among it is the most powerful and best thing I think anyone will ever do for themselves.       

[Seeking]

Hi Blueberry Pancakes 

I'm glad that it's not "weird".  The central nervous systems timeline .. while it's not the greatest thing I can't complain really.  If the sweats are from the body healing up then I'm not gonna stress over it.  I know that it's typical for me to have health related things that are on the edge of known mechanisms.

Oh mercy sakes alive the relief that I felt.  You are correct it was like a heavy weight had suddenly dropped off my back and I had carried it for so long I didn't notice the weight until the weight wasn't there any more.   

From what I understand now about how every system in the human frame gets negatively impacted with the long term exposure to stress hormones I am amazed that I'm still on this side of the grass. 

The complex part .. I don't know.   

I agree that we recover in a cadence with biology. How that interacts with other things like memory processing, emotional weather, and / or a whole host of other things. 

All the best Blueberry

until another time