Epiphany

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all,

Wanted to post this.  Don't remember when, but I'm sure it's pretty recent, when I finally got it that my spouse has a PD.  Dug into that and really working on understanding.

It finally "clicked" for me last night.  One more step out of the F.O.G.

IT'S NOT ME 

If I was there or not, it has nothing to do with me.

I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.

It has nothing to do with me. 

Whether it is me that is around, or someone else, it doesn't matter because the PD would be there anyway!

Feels like a huge weight that I have been carrying for a really long time is suddenly gone.

Oh the relief, sweet relief.

Peace

[losingmyself]

Welcome.
And I remember that epiphany. It is such a relief!

[StartingHealing]

losingmyself,

Working on the rest of the 3 c's. 

I didn't cause it,  I can't cure it, I can't control it.

Admittedly, getting that wPD has a mental condition was also huge!

Peace

[Lauren17]

Well done!

I remember clearly several of my a ha! moments. It literally felt like to jigsaw puzzle pieces slotting together in my brain.

Best wishes for your continued learning and healing.

[Justwannalove]

In my case I have gone through several phases in the blame game.  Sharing in case it can be helpful.

1. It must be me that's causing her unhappiness, I will try to improve.
2. Omg, she's absolutely nuts .. let's focus on getting her better .. I'm actually perfectly normal and I kinda hate her.
3. I have my own wounds that have allowed my to become codependent on this very troubled person. Basically, I tolerate all of this behavior because of my own damage and issues.
4. I'm no longer afraid of separating from her. I'm secure in myself, love myself and will no longer tolerate her making me feel like shit. Defending myself fiercely, and see if there's a more healthy relationship based on love that can emerge. I know it's a long shot, but it's the path I've chosen.

[losingmyself]

Great list..
I think I'm up to about #3

[escapingman]

In my case I have gone through several phases in the blame game.  Sharing in case it can be helpful.

1. It must be me that's causing her unhappiness, I will try to improve.
2. Omg, she's absolutely nuts .. let's focus on getting her better .. I'm actually perfectly normal and I kinda hate her.
3. I have my own wounds that have allowed my to become codependent on this very troubled person. Basically, I tolerate all of this behavior because of my own damage and issues.
4. I'm no longer afraid of separating from her. I'm secure in myself, love myself and will no longer tolerate her making me feel like shit. Defending myself fiercely, and see if there's a more healthy relationship based on love that can emerge. I know it's a long shot, but it's the path I've chosen.

Absolutely spot on, thankfully I am at number 4 now.

[StartingHealing]

In my case I have gone through several phases in the blame game.  Sharing in case it can be helpful.

1. It must be me that's causing her unhappiness, I will try to improve.
2. Omg, she's absolutely nuts .. let's focus on getting her better .. I'm actually perfectly normal and I kinda hate her.
3. I have my own wounds that have allowed my to become codependent on this very troubled person. Basically, I tolerate all of this behavior because of my own damage and issues.
4. I'm no longer afraid of separating from her. I'm secure in myself, love myself and will no longer tolerate her making me feel like shit. Defending myself fiercely, and see if there's a more healthy relationship based on love that can emerge. I know it's a long shot, but it's the path I've chosen.

Right now I'm in #3.. but sometimes fall back into the I'm normal-ish and I kind of hate her..

[downwiththefog]

In my case I have gone through several phases in the blame game.  Sharing in case it can be helpful.

1. It must be me that's causing her unhappiness, I will try to improve.
2. Omg, she's absolutely nuts .. let's focus on getting her better .. I'm actually perfectly normal and I kinda hate her.
3. I have my own wounds that have allowed my to become codependent on this very troubled person. Basically, I tolerate all of this behavior because of my own damage and issues.
4. I'm no longer afraid of separating from her. I'm secure in myself, love myself and will no longer tolerate her making me feel like shit. Defending myself fiercely, and see if there's a more healthy relationship based on love that can emerge. I know it's a long shot, but it's the path I've chosen.

thanks for sharing. feels so true. I tried to place these phases on my timeline.
phase 1 lasted for 25+ years
phase 2 a couple of years
phase 3 was short and sort of coexist with 4. I feel I'm bouncing between these two.

[StartingHealing]

Welcome.
And I remember that epiphany. It is such a relief!

I still have to remind myself .. It's not me!  It does help so much

[StartingHealing]

Well done!

I remember clearly several of my a ha! moments. It literally felt like to jigsaw puzzle pieces slotting together in my brain.

Best wishes for your continued learning and healing.

Thank you 

[StartingHealing]

In my case I have gone through several phases in the blame game.  Sharing in case it can be helpful.

1. It must be me that's causing her unhappiness, I will try to improve.
2. Omg, she's absolutely nuts .. let's focus on getting her better .. I'm actually perfectly normal and I kinda hate her.
3. I have my own wounds that have allowed my to become codependent on this very troubled person. Basically, I tolerate all of this behavior because of my own damage and issues.
4. I'm no longer afraid of separating from her. I'm secure in myself, love myself and will no longer tolerate her making me feel like shit. Defending myself fiercely, and see if there's a more healthy relationship based on love that can emerge. I know it's a long shot, but it's the path I've chosen.

Very good!  Thank you for sharing this.

[losingmyself]

I would like to share another epiphany...state of mind.. call it what you will..
It has occurred to me lately that maybe I have punished myself for long enough for the situation with my kids. And I am better than this place I find myself in. I have switched the idea of  "Why do you stay with me if I am all these terrible things you say I am?"  To "Hey, you know what? I am an ok person. I used to be pretty awesome, and I think I'd like to find her again. She would talk about how you behave with her family, and she isn't going to listen to your b.s. anymore. Think what you want, but I have put up with it for long enough."
It's a new feeling, so it has to grow for a while. But I like it
I believe it's this 'self esteem' everybody has been talking about!!