What "counts" as entertainment?

[Sneezy]

This doesn't upset me, but I am a little confused.  My elderly mom (covert NPD) is always bored, always complaining that the walls are closing in on her, always wanting to get out.  She wants to be entertained all the time.  She can't self-soothe and so when she is alone for even the shortest amount of time, she gets very anxious.  And of course, it's my job to entertain her.  Mom also claims to be very religious.  So this past weekend was "Women's Weekend" at my church.  And I signed us up for everything - dinner and activities on Friday, speakers and service project on Saturday, special women's service on Sunday.  This ticked every box for my mom - according to what she is always saying, she should have loved every minute of our weekend together.  But nope.  On Friday, while we were eating dinner, she complained several times that I never take her out.  We were out!  And yet, she was complaining that we never go out.  I didn't even know how to answer that one.  Then on Saturday, she kept wanting to go back to her apartment.  I reminded her that she is always wanting to go out and so I wasn't taking her home early.  But I could tell she wasn't really having fun.  She was just grumpy and irritable and every time someone else left, she told me she was ready to go home early, too.

What exactly does my mom want?  We were out.  We were busy.  We were at church.  It was something new that we hadn't done before.  We spent the whole weekend together.  There were prizes and little take-home treats (which the hoarder in her should have loved).  What more does she want?  To top it off, I have a few friends who know how my mom is and they made a point of talking with her and telling her that she looked pretty.  One of my friends won a door prize and gave it to my mom.  People couldn't have been nicer and she got a ton of attention.  And yet, it wasn't enough.  I give up 

[Andeza]

Nothing. The answer to your question of what exactly counts as entertainment, is nothing. If I were a betting woman, I'd wager about $1000 that by Monday your Mom was talking up her exciting weekend to anyone who would listen in her facility, but to you it's the nonstop mantra of "We never go out!!!" said in whiny toddler voice for effect.

It was incredibly nice of you to spend your valuable free time carting your mother around to an event that was thoughtfully arranged to meet every need and leave her absolutely giddy with delight. A normal mom would be. Sadly, most of us on this board don't have normal moms. Therefore you were rendered the incorrect response to kindness. She met your thoughtfulness with thoughtlessness. Your kindness was countered in ingratitude. And for her... that IS normal.

It's weird, but hear me out. She wants to be unhappy. She is happiest when she is complaining. She wants to gripe. THAT is the true, innermost desire of her heart and thing that she finds most satisfying in life.  No, it doesn't make sense. Because you're normal Sneezy. Or at the very least, pretty healthy in this regard. Normal is a setting on the washing machine after all.

But you are kind, and you are a much, much better daughter than she ever deserved. You are wonderful to her and she's... not wonderful to you. I wish she was because you deserved better.

[FromTheSwamp]

It took me the longest time to realize that my mom didn't want to be happy.  That she took a deep satisfaction in being dissatisfied, disappointed, and hurt.  That she took steps to make sure this happened. 

It took a certain weight off me to understand this, because it means that my goal of making her happy and her goal of being unhappy were at cross purposes, and that giving up my goal made my life better and didn't make her life worse, as she was going to be unhappy either way, since she would make sure of it. 

[NarcKiddo]

If she is anything like my uNPD mother, this would not count as attention because she was not THE CENTRE of it AT ALL TIMES.

Sorry she was so ungrateful.

[moglow]

It took me the longest time to realize that my mom didn't want to be happy.  That she took a deep satisfaction in being dissatisfied, disappointed, and hurt.  That she took steps to make sure this happened. 

It took a certain weight off me to understand this, because it means that my goal of making her happy and her goal of being unhappy were at cross purposes, and that giving up my goal made my life better and didn't make her life worse, as she was going to be unhappy either way, since she would make sure of it. 

This is so true. It truly is universal, isn't it.

[moglow]

Sneezy, I honestly don't think anyone is served by our insistence on filling their every need. What about OURS, what about the repeated letdowns when we've pulled out all the stops only to have them pee all over it, with days left to the latest multipart adventure no less. She wants to pout? Okay by golly, she can pout ALONE. Drop her back off at home then go about your rat killin' without her! [OR alternately, move to another table and let her simmer in her seat.]

This makes me think of bored toddlers - toys and puzzles and yard and games as far as they eye can see, yet they demand that we somehow entertain them. And too many of us do. Think back to what you/we were told as children: others aren't our entertainment committee, go find something to do. I can vividly remember watching as children trotted out of restaurants, parks, playgrounds etc for "a talk" and/or taken home since they couldn't behave any better.

If they are empty, why is it automatically our mission to somehow fill them? Who fills US when we're running on empty, drained of whatever air and reason we have left?!

[Andeza]

I worked with an older lady once that I was fairly certain was a narcissist. If work was running completely smooth, with no issues, no calls from corporate, no complaining truckers, no system hiccups, etc... She'd complain about her husband. She'd complain about the day before! Heck she'd even complain about stuff that happened in the 70s!!!! She had a stockpile of backup complaints for when the well was running dry...

I'd just roll my eyes and carry on doing what needed done.

[Sneezy]

You all are very wise!  I really thought that when my mom moved near me (about 3 and 1/2 years ago), she would be happy.  Or at least she would be less unhappy.  But it seems that she needs to be unhappy.  That's just how she is wired.

It's getting worse as she gets older.  When mom was young, I think she distracted herself from all her anxiety and unhappiness by keeping really busy.  And she always needed male attention.  She was always pretty good at juggling a husband and an affair or two at the same time.  But now that she is in her 80s, there's not a lot of male attention to be had.  And she can't drive and she can't shop until she drops any more.  And so it's harder for her to distract herself from her own anxieties.  She often thinks that if only I would pay enough attention to her, that would fix things.  But it never works.  I can't fill the void of her unhappiness.  And I'm tired of trying.  If she is going to be miserable no matter what, then so be it.

[Poison Ivy]

Describing this as "filling the void of the unhappiness" is spot on, Sneezy. I try to have sympathy for people with depression, anxiety, or both. I've had bouts with both throughout my life. So has my ex-spouse. A big difference between me and him, however, is that I try very hard to behave in ways that don't suggest I'm expecting other people to fill my void, and my ex often is the opposite: putting his victimhood on for all to see and often behaving and saying things that seem to indicate that he wants me to fill his void.

[Cat of the Canals]

If she always comes up with a new reason to be unhappy, then there's always a new problem for Sneezy to fix. It's an endless loop by design.

I realized this with my own mother, who sent FM after FM to me, telling me how much she wished I'd call and visit more. So I did. I made it a routine to call once a week, like clockwork. I put no restrictions on the call length. I let her talk and talk and talk about whatever she wanted. Did the FM nonsense stop? No it did not.

They always want more. There is no finite amount that would satisfy them.

I have this hypothetical scenario that reminds me of how true this is. If I were to ask my mom how many phones calls is enough, and if she threw out an answer -- let's say twice a week -- do I really believe she would be content with that? The answer is no. In fact, I think she'd begin to resent that she *only* ever gets the agreed-upon two calls and not more. Not to mention that there would be continued complaints that I still don't visit enough, that I don't talk to her, etc. etc. etc.

[GentleSoul]

Gosh, this resonated with me.  Thanks for sharing.  My late husband was this way.

He wanted to be "entertained" all the time much like a restless child would. Yet his own actions of destroying his health caused a lot of things to not be available to him, also he was full of anxiety so actually going out to do things overwhelmed him.

I came to realise he just like to moan.   I stepped back from it.

I also realised that whatever I organised for him (meaning arranging suitable transport for his mobility issues) would never be enough.  He had a void in him that could not be filled by anything.

Over the years he had become a very mentally ill person along with the alcoholism and underlaying personality disorder formed in his traumatic childhood.  I state these things as facts, not an excuse for his horrible behaviour.

[bloomie]

Sneezy - you could be describing my own mother. Insatiable appetite for entertainment all while living in an atmosphere of perpetual disappointment. I realized that when another person lacks contentment and is fueled by unreasonable levels of entitlement not much can satisfy them.

Your plans for the two of you were thoughtful and lovely! You stayed the course and enjoyed the whole event because it was for you as well! BRAVO!!

Will you adjust how and what you plan with your mom going forward as a result of her behaviors? 

[Sneezy]

Will you adjust how and what you plan with your mom going forward as a result of her behaviors?

Yes I will, although I still need to figure it out.  I don't want to be petty with her.  But I've learned the hard way that when I give an inch, she takes a mile.  One small thing leads to another and another and before I know it I'm running all her errands and going crazy trying to meet all her demands.  It doesn't take much for me to start getting pretty spun up.  I need to be deliberate and careful, and think about what I am and am not willing to do.  For my own peace of mind, I need to spend less time with her.  Which makes me sad.  Because I really wish I had a normal mom who I could grab lunch with or just go out for coffee with and have a nice chat (although Andeza is right - normal is just a setting on the washing machine). 

[bloomie]

Yes I will, although I still need to figure it out.  I don't want to be petty with her.  But I've learned the hard way that when I give an inch, she takes a mile.  One small thing leads to another and another and before I know it I'm running all her errands and going crazy trying to meet all her demands.  It doesn't take much for me to start getting pretty spun up.  I need to be deliberate and careful, and think about what I am and am not willing to do.  For my own peace of mind, I need to spend less time with her.  Which makes me sad.  Because I really wish I had a normal mom who I could grab lunch with or just go out for coffee with and have a nice chat (although Andeza is right - normal is just a setting on the washing machine). 

What a balanced and clear eyed view of your mom's tendencies and how they impact you you have. The limitations our mom's have and the inability to simply enjoy time together in security and mutual appreciation is very sad.

[lkdrymom]

It took me the longest time to realize that my mom didn't want to be happy.  That she took a deep satisfaction in being dissatisfied, disappointed, and hurt.  That she took steps to make sure this happened. 

It took a certain weight off me to understand this, because it means that my goal of making her happy and her goal of being unhappy were at cross purposes, and that giving up my goal made my life better and didn't make her life worse, as she was going to be unhappy either way, since she would make sure of it.

This is the truth.  Your mom doesn't WANT to be happy.   Or more likely....being UNHAPPY and COMPLAINING is her happy place.

[treesgrowslowly]

You all are very wise!  I really thought that when my mom moved near me (about 3 and 1/2 years ago), she would be happy.  Or at least she would be less unhappy.  But it seems that she needs to be unhappy.  That's just how she is wired.

It's getting worse as she gets older.  When mom was young, I think she distracted herself from all her anxiety and unhappiness by keeping really busy.  And she always needed male attention.  She was always pretty good at juggling a husband and an affair or two at the same time.  But now that she is in her 80s, there's not a lot of male attention to be had.  And she can't drive and she can't shop until she drops any more.  And so it's harder for her to distract herself from her own anxieties.  She often thinks that if only I would pay enough attention to her, that would fix things.  But it never works.  I can't fill the void of her unhappiness.  And I'm tired of trying.  If she is going to be miserable no matter what, then so be it.

I think there is a lesson here re: aging. Sounds like she spent her younger years focused on externals - male attention, shopping and so on. Did she bother to do any internal work... or growth work or self-help work for herself when she was younger?

Now she's in her later years, and she doesn't know how to be entertained, and because she didn't do the inner work to grow up, she blames someone else for her predicament.

Our later years *can* lead to us becoming more adept at inner reflection, but only if we want it to - no one can make another adult grow up. A lot of us have parents who are not aging into any sort of wisdom or healthy self-awareness. It is sad. I don't think she will change unless she chooses to.

I agree with the other comments about how you have done your best, and she is pretty determined to whine to you no matter what. I do think that a lot of people, if they didn't do inner work on themselves, they revert to these whiny toddler behaviours as they age.

Trees

[Sneezy]

Now she's in her later years, and she doesn't know how to be entertained, and because she didn't do the inner work to grow up, she blames someone else for her predicament.

Yes, it's really interesting when I think about it.  My mom never learned how to self-soothe.  When my kids were young, if they complained they were bored, I would tell them to "read a book, play a game, clean your room," etc.  I didn't see it as my job to constantly entertain my children.  So how did I let my mom convince me that it was my job to entertain her?  I guess I really wanted things to work out back when she moved near me.  My DH says I had unrealistic expectations that I would finally have the relationship with my mom that I never had growing up.  I suppose he is right.  I really tried hard to entertain her and make her happy, but it didn't take long for me to realize that she will never be happy, not even if I completely wear myself out trying.

I do worry about growing older myself.  I want to make sure that I have enough hobbies and interests, and that I do the things I need to do to prepare, so that I can self-soothe and be as content as possible.  When I was younger, I had all kinds of ideas of things I would do as retirement drew near.  But some of those ideas were completely unrealistic!  I definitely want to be prepared though - I won't and can't end up like my mom!!!

[foobarred]

What exactly does my mom want?

If she's like my PDparents, she wants you miserable.  She wants you to try and try and try and try, so she can pee on all your efforts and watch your face fall.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with some of the folks here.  I don't think PDs enjoy being unhappy, per se.  But they enjoy the *effects* their unhappiness has on other people.  They enjoy their ability to *weaponize* their unhappiness, and use it as a tool for control; so much so that they will forfeit any opportunities for actual happiness.  This is the tragedy of the PD - their need for supply far outweighs their need for a good life.  In fact, their identity is so twisted that getting supply *is* their idea of the good life.  They're like addicts that way - all else goes to the wall in exchange for that sweet, sweet drug.

I saw this with my mother.  For nearly twenty years I encouraged her to get out, make friends, take courses, pick up new hobbies, buy herself nice things.  She had health, she had money, she had her wits about her, she really could have had a nice life.

Nope.  All she wanted to do was stay at home and complain and manufacture crises.  The more desperate I was, the more exhausted, drained, and frazzled I was running around trying to solve all her problems, the closer to "happy" she was.  Bonus points for shooting down all my solutions and subtly implying I'm useless and incompetent.  Then immediately on to the next crisis without so much as a thank-you, because she needed her next fix.

You handed your mother everything she could want on a silver platter.  Instead of accepting it gracefully and enjoying a nice time with her daughter, she chose to stick the knife in.  Your efforts were valiant, and show what a good heart you have, but they were doomed to fail.  You're trying to please someone who has a vested interest in being unpleasable.