Maybe trivial but please analyze that

[Empie2204]

I will try to be concise:
I left my husband almost three years ago. Real no contact on both sides exists for almost two years.
My adult son calls me today and says that his dad called and asked could I give him our dog for a weekend.
By the way, no contact on his side applied to the dog, too.

Despite the "could", he demanded I should be at the nearby bus stop today between 15:45 and 16:00 and hand him over the dog. DS told him he should better call me. H answered he no longer has my number!
OK, I have kept his, never called him but there are some life situations when you might need your ex´s number. He deleted mine, I am indifferent to that but this is the situation when the number is needed.

Besides, I agreed previously with my DD and her boyfriend that the dog spends this weekend at their place. I did. Really. And the dog was already there.

H´s "order" was I should call him. I decided not to. Reasons:
1. He needs my favor, therefore he should have kept my number or at least taken it from our son. He didn´t, ergo he is not "clear".
2. My H was always late, never on time, so I should have waited at the bus stop not knowing will he appear on time or not. The weather today is windy and raining.
3. Handing the dog over should include my instructions on how to feed him and treat him because he aged and his digestion changed and so on...
Knowing my H he would not listen at all and not follow the instruction.

Aftermath: H called our son and said he waited from 15:40 to 16:00 (I am not so sure) and nobody appeared (I know). DS gave him my number.

My reaction and not appearing were probably not according to good manners but in dealing with the entitled narcissist I have no regrets.
He should have called me and made it in advance.

What do you say, my friends?

[moglow]

"Good manners"? What about his?? Manners and consideration dictate that one calls ahead and makes such arrangements. One ASKS, not demands. So sorry no one jumped to his tune but no. His failure to plan ahead, plus it's not his dog anyway!

Should he actually call you, I doubt I'd take or return the call. Over my dog? Nope. If he wants to take it up with his children, have at it. Not your circus not your monkeys - and you owe no one an explanation.

[JustKeepTrying]

This deserves a whole hearted 

[Empie2204]

"Good manners"? What about his?? Manners and consideration dictate that one calls ahead and makes such arrangements. One ASKS, not demands. So sorry no one jumped to his tune but no. His failure to plan ahead, plus it's not his dog anyway!

Should he actually call you, I doubt I'd take or return the call. Over my dog? Nope. If he wants to take it up with his children, have at it. Not your circus not your monkeys - and you owe no one an explanation.

Thank you moglow.
I needed this.
All these questions whether I did the right thing are still the active curse of being exposed to longlasting abuse.

Theoretically he bought this dog but 90 % percent of costs, care and love were mine (full eleven years.
). You can guess, in his mind this is his dog.
In my mind not but I am too soft again.
As for his actions with children, he considers them his servants, too. As usual, narcs have their own concept of parental love.

[Empie2204]

This deserves a whole hearted 

[Cat of the Canals]

"Good manners"? What about his?? Manners and consideration dictate that one calls ahead and makes such arrangements. One ASKS, not demands.

AND the person makes the request themselves. They don't sending a third party to do it! And not having your phone number is the weakest excuse I've ever heard. While he was talking to your son about wanting to "borrow" the dog (after three years?????) what stopped him from asking for your phone number then? He was obviously capable since he asked for it once you didn't show (which was the correct move, in my opinion).

He's using your son as a go-between for a reason. First, because it puts your son in the middle of this tug of war game over the dog. Second, it's probably harder to say no to your son vs. your ex, which increases his odds of getting a yes. And even if you say no, your ex still wins, because it potentially makes you look bad/selfish/mean in front of your son -- you're not any of those things, but it could easily be manipulated to look that way. Instant triangulation.

I don't know your ex, obviously, but I find it suspicious that he has this sudden interest in the dog after 3 years. If it were me, I wouldn't let him anywhere near, never mind leave him alone with the dog.

[Fae Greenwood]

Wow. No contact for two years and now you're supposed to jump through his hoops. You did great at ignoring his message. You'd probably never have seen your dog again which, by the way, in now YOUR dog no matter who paid for him years ago. You might consider gently telling your son that his father's relationship with you is up to his father alone, and if his father didn't care to take your number from your son, it sounds like he didn't really want to call you about the dog. This makes me wonder what relationship issues Dad is experiencing that he wants to triangulate you into. Perhaps a new woman is not pliant enough and he wants to show her how another woman can buckle under. Too bad for him that woman won't be you.

[Empie2204]

Cat of the Canals:
Thank you. You are right. Involving our son is a typical entitlement. As for the number, he didn´t ask for it: my son messaged him my number and continued with his life (he was at a friend´s wedding party), which was a move I approve. It was mean to use him as a postman.
Now he has the number, again but I doubt he will call or message - his narcissistic wound is too deep and his pride is too high. We´re dealing with a pharaoh who does not communicate with the lowest. 
The lowest should jump at the snap of his fingers. At least he thinks so.
And I see the triangulation and my being a bad guy in any of the cases.
As for "borrowing" him the dog anyway, I too have doubts if it happens. When we lived together he was good to him but had his peculiar ideas about how to handle it. Nothing my kids and I did for the dog was good enough, it had to be his way.

Fae Greenwood:
Yes, the dog is mine by all criteria. Whether he would give him back I don´t know. He probably will because his job (lots of traveling) does not allow having a small velcro dog around.
But remembering it after two years is indescribable.
My son knows that at least I consider my relationship with his dad our matter. Unfortunately, his dad has no such viewpoint. He will use anyone at any time if that suits his purpose.
You mentioned the possible another woman. Don´t laugh but a lot of times I caught myself wishing he finds one. I don´t know if he did but I somehow believe that will make him busy working on his new project of creating a perfect caretaker for him.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Nuts. It helps me to read posts like this for my possible future contacts.

Crazy....I could see my stbxh doing that, and like it's normal behavior

[BeautifulCrazy]

I think you did fine in ignoring, Empie.

In my opinion you are much too kind, allowing this to even reach the level of "consider" or "discuss". And worrying about manners!!?

Three years later, NC ex wants to borrow the dog? Um, laughing, NO!! 

Suggest you post this in the Bats#!t Crazy thread!

[Prototypian]

Sounds like manipulation and hoovering on his part.   Going through your son, making random demands, placing you in a bizarre situation, acting like he can't communicate directly in the face of modern communication tools and then acting upset that you didn't follow his directive.

My recommendations and I'm not any profession so don't consider them authoritative:

1) tell your son that you are sorry his father out him in that position.

2) tell you son if his father asks him to relay messages at any time in the future to feel free to refuse and step out of being the mediator

3) suggest to your ex that he use email which allows you to decide whether to reply or delete or dump all of his email to a blocked spam file.

Stop at that point: don't address the dog, his time, his wait, or even any type of JADE in the discussion.

[Empie2204]

Thank you all for your very useful comments. It´s so strange that I can recognize narcissistic behaviors and patterns in other peoples´ situations and in mine I always consider and think too much.

BeautifulCrazy, you hit the nail on the head: I´m too kind. I find your suggestion to post this in Batsh#t Crazy a good idea, only I don´t know whether the forum rules allow that.

Jsinjin:
I immediately told my son that I am sorry he had to go through his father´s scheme and I also told him that as far as I am concerned he has no obligations here. As I mentioned, DS messaged my number to his father - a move even the narcissist could understand. (Translated: "Call my mum by yourself if you need her.")
As for further communication, I plan to remain silent. If he attempts to contact me, I am free to tell him that I don´t have HIS number.

PlantFlowersNotWeeds:
Nuts and crazy are the right words here!

[justducky]

In addition to your ex behaving like a typical entitled narc, it sounds like it's not in your dog's best interests to be with your ex. Ex has had nothing to do with him for two years, you know ex won't follow instructions so your dog is healthy, and why on earth does he suddenly want the dog now?

The whole thing sounds fishy. I'm glad that you didn't placate your ex.