Enmeshment after the death of a PD

[Empie2204]

This is a useful new board!
There is one aspect of the "after funeral" experience I have witnessed.
My mil died six years ago. I did not wish for her death but I admit that in the past I believed that after she dies things will change in my marriage. They DID change but for the worse. Worse for my marriage and my H but me - for the better.

The dynamic my H and his mother had was toxic and intense but it kept them both functioning and going. In the shade of this dynamic, I managed to keep my marriage alive.
After her death, my H slowly but certainly started to disintegrate.

To prevent that, he turned on me. Even in the previous years I was given certain motherly duties which I tolerated and thought were not so bad. I mean, to be a mommy whenever the little boy in my H needed soothing and nurturing.
When she died, I realized the criticism for not being a good woman intensified. Several times he called me "mum".

I have to mention this, too: The man who was previously interested in sex and sometimes even accused me of avoiding it has moved to the couch in the living room and remained there - turning us into two roommates.
Only later on did I realize that this might be a severe pathology of him turning me into a complete mother substitute. You are not intimate with your mother, are you?

Just wanted to emphasize how enmeshment takes various directions after the death of a PD.

[AlisonWonder]

Emple2204 I like what you have written here.  My DH lost his mother 3 years ago, and now we have lost all parents, including my uPD mother.  That was about the time our love life got bad, and I think I have been "mothering" him without wanting to.  Its just been necessary, and I can't find him attractive while its going on.  Plus I am older.  This is probably the point at which younger people go off and find someone else, thinking they are "bored".  My someone else is chocolate.

DH is in fairly good shape in other ways though, much more cuddly most days.

[SunnyMeadow]

I hadn't thought of this aspect of losing a NPD mother.  Thanks for discussing and bringing it out in the open.

[Empie2204]

Sunny Meadow, this is the aspect I have seen. I am sure there are some other variations after a PD leaves this world. In any of the cases, it is very complicated for us who don´t function that way.

AlisonWonder, I think it´s completely natural to not find somebody attractive if he wants to play a child or to boss around. It doesn´t help to mention this directly: they simply don´t understand it. It´s not written in their dictionary and they are not able to learn any other language than theirs.

I love chocolate, too. 
But I have and always had many other interests. Now that I´m free and older, I can pursue them.

[Pepin]

Just wanted to emphasize how enmeshment takes various directions after the death of a PD.

While it has only been a few months for me with CN MIL's passing, my anxiety has calmed a little bit.  But my state of vigilance is largely still there even though she is no longer around to cause damage.  My concern is that the effects of her behavior may stay with DH or could have the capacity to show at certain unexpected times.  I have no idea what his thoughts are about her passing and he certainly hasn't demonstrated any sort of grief - not even a whiff of mood change.  It kind of feels like I'm still walking around on eggshells because I don't know what to expect.

My DH was heavily enmeshed with his mother from a very young age, designated the hero child who would take care of his parents and certain family members.  He was praised for his value and he believed that that was healthy and good -- and that he had a happy upbringing.  But without that fuel, who will he eventually become?  And what does that mean for me as his wife?  I just don't know. 

The one thing I can definitely say though is that overall our lives have been much more calm - it feels like this is how it should have been all along: no drama.  The passing of the prima donna has removed so much confusion and angst - and this is kind of what it feels like to just "live".  I am sorrowful inside for having lost so many years to this new kind of feeling.  And I am afraid to get too attached to it.

[stasia]

Pepin, I totally get that last part of what you said - for me, it was NC and not her death that led to me being able to just live. I'm sad and frustrated that it took me until I was WELL into midlife. So many years wasted. And I too fear that my current good life is going to get taken away from me, if not by M because she can't get me any more, by some other circumstance because I can't possibly deserve it due to being a Bad Daughter.

I guess it will take some time?

[Pepin]

Pepin, I totally get that last part of what you said - for me, it was NC and not her death that led to me being able to just live. I'm sad and frustrated that it took me until I was WELL into midlife. So many years wasted. And I too fear that my current good life is going to get taken away from me, if not by M because she can't get me any more, by some other circumstance because I can't possibly deserve it due to being a Bad Daughter.

I guess it will take some time?

Stasia, I think that because you are aware of your situation, you will be (and have been since NC) respectful of YOU.  You made yourself a priority like I did when I went NC with NF.  And even though that was 14 years ago, it was a bumpy ride...but I did eventually manage to move past my dysfunctional upbringing.  While I wasn't enmeshed, all the makings of being truly enmeshed were nearly there.  NF made a few eye opening mistakes that literally stopped me in my tracks and after that I just kept myself bland until I could plan my exit.

My DH on the other hand hasn't really admitted any understanding of the dysfunction that he was raised with.  We certainly didn't raise our children to be enmeshed -- and none of the other cousins or their children have been a replica of what DH did for his mother.  DH and CN MIL were quite frankly an anomaly within the family.  As the spouse, I really had to table much of my angst because it wasn't worth having a blow up with a partner who couldn't see what was happening.  As long as CN MIL was a part of his life, he was trapped. 

You know what?  I think that after all we've been through, life is going to KICK ASS for us.  I really do.  We deserve every single moment of happiness and positivity that we couldn't have before.