Escapism and PD parents

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

I've posted some time ago about my issue with ecapism and how it's stressful for me to numb myself out with tv series and movies. It felt like a drug. As long as I was in a good story (I mostly watch positive shows), my life made more sense and the abuse from my parents didn't feel that bad.
But I was talking about this in a support group and realized that this escapism is dangerous because it's like using substances or relationships or food to escape your feelings and reality. So I started facing this issue and nowadays, it takes a really long time until I decide to ever watch something.
I mostly browse the internet now or journal or stay on Youtube during the evening instead of binge-watching. It feels much better.

Anyway, the creepy, odd thing I realized this week is how much my behavior and habits resemble my parents' behaviors and habits. Both of them binge-watch movies, tv-series or reality tv shows (they're obsessed with reality tv shows) in their rooms. They turn the volume to the maximum to get attention and sit in front of the TV for hours and hours without any interruption. I do this, too (or used to do it) and it is so depressing.
I don't wanna be like them but I can't help this addiction.

I wrote in my diary the other day that if I don't stop this addiction, I won't ever fulfill my career, relationship and relocation goals. The scariest thing is to fail meeting all these beautiful goals of mine because I wouldn't be able stop re-watching Gilmore Girls for the 12th time or Friends for the 20th time 

Anyway, I feel much better and I see how this habit affected me all my life (I started binge-watching as a child because me and my brothers were severly neglected and what were we supposed to do all day long alone?)

Has anyone here managed to curb this avoidance addiction? (I don't wanna call it movie or TV addiction because it is really an addiction to avoiding inner pain)

[Call Me Cordelia]

I relate. My family was not as severe, perhaps, but the TV was definitely used as a drug to numb out. I certainly was not allowed to watch TV for hours on end but that was mostly because my parents wanted to control the TV themselves!

My screen addiction later became the internet. I still have to watch myself or an hour will easily slip away until reality forces me back out.

Something I have seen is to make a list of things that I want to be doing: Learn to draw plants from life, clean out my closet, work on my sewing project... Then tape my list over the computer screen. Then I'm making a conscious choice to go on the computer instead of those other things. I haven't done this. For me I can see it triggering loads of shame. In my childhood I felt okay only when I was achieving or doing something my parents considered valuable. They were allowed to veg. I could only if I was watching what they chose and "spending time with them."

I could see a vision board or something similar being a useful tool. Say you in your dream career. And then from the vision board, making a list of baby steps you need to achieve those larger goals. Say, read this book, take this class... I don't know what your goals are so vague. Your real ones obviously would not be! So say you did read the book, check it off and put the date. You can see your progress. For me I think seeing growth would be more encouraging. If you draw, put up your own artwork.

I'm a very visual person who also has ADHD, so my house is covered with my half-accomplished lists! I like seeing my progress. It encourages me to keep going and gives the lie to all the negative self-talk I still have about being a failure and never good enough.

[mary_poppins]

Hi Call me Cordelia. I forgot about this post!

You're right, it is much more rewarding to accomplish things (I have so much on my list but all my goals are beautiful) than to just numb out.
I'll do the vision board thing. I tried to do it before and gave up. It was too much work but I think people who were abused as children are easily overhwelmed by their future because they weren't allowed to 'see' that far in it. I would go overboard with future plans or stop dreaming at all.

Yes, drawing is a good idea. I know how to do that. And learning new things is also a good idea. I have recently dived into fiction reading and it's fantastic. I recommend reading novels to anyone who's prone to binge watching tv or movies.

[jennfr]

..... I recommend reading novels to anyone who's prone to binge watching tv or movies....

Hahaha.  MY escapism... is Reading fiction.  There have been times in my life when I have stopped, and other times like now when I am more-or-less intentionally choosing... maybe "less-intentionally" ...the comfort of my particular addiction. 

I try to make use of it.  YES i can escape into shows or videos, sometimes, but then I will stop.  Focusing on a tv show or movie I will start mentally picking it apart, and I actually need to be doing something else... which can be overeating, so, not-good!!! ...which can turn tv or movie-watching into productive time (doing hand-sewing, sorting thru papers or clutter, folding clothes, etc.)   I don't know if this could help you as a strategy?  (Or, not.) 

I also TRY to make use of my own escapism-trap which, as Ive noted, is Reading Fiction (especially fantasy or si-fi.)  Reading while on my exercise bike, or on a exercise-machine at the gym, WILL keep me doing it longer.   However, the problem is, then I stop the exercise and I want to just continue the reading.  I will easily binge-read series, and then on the next series by the same or similar author, just like binge-watching tv is for others.

There has been much time in the past where I have had to simply Not Allow myself to read fiction.  I may be approaching that point again right now.  For each time that it has worked, I have gone with a Plan -- here is what I will do Instead of reading - with maybe several backup options as well. 

ALSO each time I stopped my binge-reading escapism addiction, I used the advice from the book Unfck Your Habitat.  This talks about how to get your space clean - or at least, more-clean - which is an issue for me.  Importantly, the book's approach applies very well to other aspects of life also. 

The two big lessons for me from the book, were "SOMETHING is BETTER than nothing," and the idea of 20-10's or 40-20's.  The second idea is important, you start DOING SOMETHING (in this case, a NON-escapism, productive something; a SMALL step towards a goal) - and you Intentionally limit the time you will spend on it, to then be Followed by related amount of (self)-Assigned "break" time.  So for me, 20-minutes cleaning, 10-minutes break, back to 20 minutes cleaning. 

This is really important.  I can reward myself with my escapism for that LIMITED time - IF i want to.  BUT then i will need to go back to my chosen productive-activity or goal-oriented activity, After that Ten Minutes. 

For me, every time I have gone back to doing this seriously, it Breaks my Escapism pattern.  I mean, if 10-minutes reading (or tv-watching, etc)  was sufficient, well, it wouldn't be an Addiction, would it?  So I tend to move to some less-addictive rest-activity for those 10 minute "breaks." 

I am glad I'm typing this up, because as I said, for the past few months I've fallen back into escapism-reading, and I'd rather not fritter-away all my time like that.  So as of now I intend to re-visit that book again, myself (UFYH, by Rachel Hoffman), hopefully to inspire myself back out of my own addictive avoidance.

[jennfr]

I've come back to reply more to your thread.  Two things - just to clarify - reading fiction is My escape probably because in FOO, television was a source of conflict.  I do Not view it as ""better"" or worse than any other (non-substance-related) type of escapism.

The other thing.  Your mention of goals.  In my own FOO... for me i grew up, "GOALS" were things that did Not come true. 

For me, wishes were better - you did not need to be constrained by limitations of reality, AND you did not Expect them to occur.

For me, "GOALS" were just like Lucy with the football.

I often make myself lists of ...prioritized alternative activities...  because, I might clear a block of time, and then go Blank as to what I wanted to do, and just waste the time.  But for myself, sometimes "Goals" can just be more things to Avoid. 

So I just wanted to mention this.  IF your FOO was like mine in this respect, that GOALS are simply sources of Stress and Disappointment, then might be using escapism, to escape your goals? 

IF so.  AGain this is why the UFYH book was helpful to me - you could try making some lists of steps needed to reach your goals.  THEN view those much-smaller steps as, well, alternative activities.  "Something is better than nothing."  Each of those tiny steps can be One optional acitivity you can use to Avoid your escapist activity.    Also, any time you choose to proceed with one activity -- even Partially, not based on "completion," just some small block of non-escapist time-- that is a tiny step of progress on which you can congratulate yourself! 

Anyway, I pretty much (sometimes!!) do.  Avoid the avoidance activity (for a little while)... procrastinate usefully... escape the escapism.  A convoluted mental trick which often helps.  Often, but not always.  Would something simpler & more straightforward be "better?" Probably - but this particular mental-gymnastics-trick, for me, has been the most helpful.