NC Week 5 - more cat and the treachery of greeting cards

[foobarred]

Taking it day by day with the cat.  Got him plugged in to a regular vet.  He's doing well on steroids, and the plan is to start tapering and repeat the ultrasound in a few weeks.  Second-guessing myself constantly.  Right now he's sleeping peacefully, and trying to push me off the bed.  Still has diarrhea, but it's better.  So long as he's purring, eating, and cleaning himself, I reckon we'll push on.  Reviewing my finances to see how far I can afford to go.

Am I doing the right thing?  I dunno.  I just went NC with my mother - somehow my "Right Thing" picker is burnt out.  It's like, "Hey, I just made *one* unpopular risky decision, why not make another?"  I can't tell if I'm finally taking control of my life and following my gut, or just being stupid.  Or worse, selfish.

Going though my own files this week.  Found a ton of old greeting cards, mostly from uPDMom and NDad.  Man, to look at those cards, you'd think I'd had the perfect parents.  "We're thinking of you!"  "We love you!"  "We want the best for you!"  "To our beloved daughter".   Aaaarggghh! 

They had me fooled, though.  Totally fooled.  I think, because they had *themselves* fooled.  It's like they were space aliens, and they thought, "We'll do what we see the humans do: we'll send cards and give presents, and that will mean that we are good human parents."  And they believed it, so I believed it.  I have to keep reminding myself, "Look at what they *did*.  Look at what they actually *said*, to your face, and not what's on a flowery greeting card."  But what they said is only in my memory, and what's on the card is in writing, and sometimes the cognitive dissonance gets too much for me.

I ended up shredding them.  What would y'all have done?

[hhaw]

I think shredding was right, bc you chose to shred the cards.

I might have burned them, but then again....
I might have tossed them in the trash and had done with, foo.

This is your time to process and your way is whatever feels right to you.

[notrightinthehead]

Being grown up allows for sometimes making wrong decisions. So maybe sometimes you make a stupid or selfish choice. Other times you make a good choice or a choice that looking back, was the right one. Time will tell. We grow and learn.
Sounds to me that at this time you are finding your feet. You are making the best choices you can, given the information available to you. Every day you can correct your path, should you find out that it no longer works for you.  Be sensible, be reasonable, keep a clear head and be kind and attentive to yourself.  You are getting to know yourself- the person you are when you are Out of the FOG.

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean about them fooling themselves. It does make them so plausible - certainly to those outside the family but even to those inside. Which kind of makes sense, because they need you to go along with them so they will do everything in their power to make that happen. Including believing their own BS.

I don't know what I'd have done with those cards, but shredding them is a perfectly valid option. The main thing is you got rid of something that was not helping you.

[moglow]

Am I doing the right thing?  I dunno.  I just went NC with my mother - somehow my "Right Thing" picker is burnt out.  It's like, "Hey, I just made *one* unpopular risky decision, why not make another?"  I can't tell if I'm finally taking control of my life and following my gut, or just being stupid.  Or worse, selfish.

The right thing really is all relative, isn't it. It's harder when you've been told forever what you should and ought to say/feel/do, and everything within you goes against those things - because of what you know to be true. What *they* said and actually did where you're concerned ran contradictory to all those things you were told and how you were treated, and that makes everything more confusing. For me, the NC silence gives me space to think things all the way through, the realities rather than the continual chaos and contradictions. The only person force-feeding those messages now is me, and I can be a tough nut to crack. I'm working on that shell, reinforcing where necessary.

Going though my own files this week.  Found a ton of old greeting cards, mostly from uPDMom and NDad.  Man, to look at those cards, you'd think I'd had the perfect parents.  ... It's like they were space aliens, and they thought, "We'll do what we see the humans do: we'll send cards and give presents, and that will mean that we are good human parents."  And they believed it, so I believed it.  I have to keep reminding myself, "Look at what they *did*.  Look at what they actually *said*, to your face, and not what's on a flowery greeting card."  But what they said is only in my memory, and what's on the card is in writing, and sometimes the cognitive dissonance gets too much for me.

Totally get it! I got plenty of those back in the day, the "wonderful daughter" and all the goo you can imagine, while her actual treatment of me, the way she talked to me was so completely different. I kind of understand, having tried to find the "right" card for her birthday or mothers day, and that's all that was available but seriously. Send me the wonderful card yet talk to me the way she did? It literally looked good on paper and nothing more. Cognitive dissonance indeed!

I'd long since reached the point where her cards might or might not make it into my house [and straight to the garbage], but I did keep a few note cards she sent years ago. I'm not sure what initiated them but those came in within a few days/weeks and she was all over the spectrum - angry and accusatory in one, I'm the best daughter ever in the next, back to the anger and feeling sorry for herself. Pitiful really, that small block of time and what it represented: Madness. Deep insecurity. Instability out the wazoo. Actually my younger brother suggested I keep them, in case "evidence" was ever needed. There was no contact in and around the time she sent those cards, she was just pinging from one random mess to the next with no apparent trigger other than the voices in her head.

But you asked about shredding them? Absolutely. Or ceremonial burning [I like fire myself, the whole cleansing and watching it go up in smoke, but that's just me!] I recently went a step further, and have ruthlessly rid my home of pretty much any/all reminders of mommie dearest - put away pictures, tossed mementos, even rid myself of a large set of stainless flatware she gave me years ago. I just want no reminders of her staring at me every day. Those "good" times were flashes and all for appearances, while her actual treatment of me was very different.

Do what's best for YOU, is always my recommendation. If it brings you peace, do more of it.