Here we go again...

[Cat of the Canals]

No diss to the great tools of grayrock medium chill and those who use them, (often with quite some success), I am just a bit frustrated that no matter what I do, a behaviour will come up and take me off balance.

I like to think of GR and MC as "armor" of sorts. The thing about armor is, it does a pretty good job of protecting us from severe injury, but it's exhausting anytime you have to wear it, because it's heavy and bulky and awkward. In just the same way, GR and MC can usually shield us pretty effectively from the worst of their behavior, but both are emotionally draining. Especially if done long-term.

[bee well]

Hi All,

Mustard Seed, I appreciate your feedback and validation. I agree with all you say here, and thank you for your support. I do believe (preparation is great but) that it's all about being patient and taking it a little at a time. When can plan but there's not way to know 100% what's going to happen. We just need to let that go. I know I do.

Cat of the Canals,

What you wrote here is a good way of thinking of it:

"I like to think of GR and MC as "armor" of sorts. The thing about armor is, it does a pretty good job of protecting us from severe injury, but it's exhausting anytime you have to wear it, because it's heavy and bulky and awkward. In just the same way, GR and MC can usually shield us pretty effectively from the worst of their behavior, but both are emotionally draining. Especially if done long-term."

It's important to take of the armor, retreat, if possibile and rest.

Trees,

Thanks for your three C's essay--i love what you write here . I agree about the 3 c's being cognitive. I need to release the grief from my body. I have been doing a lot of crying. It feels excessive but I think letting it come out will help to integrate this new reality.

I'm not exactly sure how it will play out from here, but things are in flux, things won't be the same.

One think I predicted accurately is that yesterday a medical test result of MILs was sent from BIL (DH asked for it) basically not sure how serious it will be but there is more stuff to test at the beginning of the week. DH decided not to call her until he has the results of this next test (I agree with the decision, it would be better to have more clarity before having that conversation.) Fingers crossed.

As for DH and the 3 c's, he's learned recently what they are and for him the "I can't control it" is the hardest part as he has olways been the one to fix things, balance out the family so to speak.

I think he has loads of grieving backed up too, but now has to get through sorting out this medical stuff as he keeps the rest of his life together.

As for me there is a possibility there will be at max superficial contact in the future as little as possible. and I will help DH as much as I can as he deals with his stuff. At most I can foresee a conversation with MIL where we agree that we don't agree on anything (possibily, and I am not holding my breath here)  that will put a puncuation mark/closure on things) followed by another period of staying away as much as I can and dealing with things like boundary voilations. on a need to need basis. How it will go from there I don't know. For now I'm just staying away.

Fortunately FIL and BIL do not seem to be opposed to my wishes.

Thanks again to all of the help you have given here to me (and DH). Peace to you all.

[bloomie]

bee well - You have stood up in the middle of your own home, your own life and you have addressed very directly your mil's offensive and unacceptable behaviors that are causing disconnection and strife in yours and your DH's life. BRAVO!

Building a toolset is how we embody, or live out, our human rights and core values. We begin to trust our own perceptions, judgment, and make decisions about our life and relationships with confidence and compassion for the difficulty of that journey. We do not have to be close, or in close, intimate contact with a mil. Even a nice one. You did not choose your mil. You chose your DH. You owe your mil nothing beyond the respect and civility you would show any human being. That's it.

You can choose to not allow fear of the future to overshadow and sideline your life. You are smart, wise, kind, secure. You are doing the work to continue to strengthen your inner self so that when you encounter any difficult, manipulative person you will take a beat and respond as you rightly assess you need to.

I spent so many, many hours I will never get back running scenarios in my head and focusing so much the on potentials of what 'they' might do, believing that my family and I would not be safe unless I could anticipate and ward off another round of crazy making histrionic behaviors. 

I came to realize with my own mil and sil that they are willing to do things and say things I would never even begin to think of. They are not looking for loving, familial connections. They are not wired that way. We are fundamentally different on a level and in ways that makes it impossible for me to ever trust them or have anything but a extremely limited connection with them.

I don't have to ruminate and live my life in hyperviglience wondering what in the world they will brew up next to disrupt the entire family system. Because I know what I am going to do next. I am not going to engage. I am my DH's wife and my children's mother and that is where I engage and put my energy. If I am face to face at times, because there is no completely going NC for me, I am cordial, cool, and kind as I would be with anyone. No phone calls, no staying in my sacred space, no one on one chats, no information about my life beyond the mundane.

If they act out, and they do, I say what I need to say one time and move on or I just exit the situation and move on.

Sometimes a person's behaviors are so disturbing and unsettling to our mental health we cannot, maybe ever, be in a position of vulnerability with them. We don't have to announce that or to seek anyone's agreement in it. It is our free choice to recognize that for ourselves and adjust accordingly.

Keep processing. Keep staying connected to your DH. Continue the good work you are doing. Keep coming back and sharing.

[treesgrowslowly]

 

Everyone here is just so supportive to one another. I love it.

Personally, I don't think enough is written about the stuff a DIL goes through when MIL is emotionally immature / has a PD, and DIL realizes she can't deal with it the same way anymore.

When I met my MIL, I was filled with hope that she and I could have a good connection. When I look online, I don't see a lot written about the heartbroken DIL. Even though it is a reality for a lot of people.

Bee Well, the fact that FIL and BIL seem to be ok with you pulling away, is probably good in my opinion. A lot of families enter a stage where people stop being so involved with one another. For those family members who want to heal (i.e. you), it creates space for you to do so.

Part of the gift of the 3 C's, is that we realize that if the problems can't be addressed (because the PD's are in denial), then going LC can create more space for our healing.

I also think that we survivors of FOO PD systems, are sensitive to a lot. As kids we watched the "adults" avoid and deny the problems in our FOO. It is heartbreaking when our relationship to our IL's, brings us yet another experience of avoidance and denial.

For a family system to really heal, as a system, everyone would need to be on board. We all know that is not common. For most of us, we pull away from dysfunction, so that we can heal on our own, with those who truly care about our own health and sanity. There is a lot to grieve when we realize that yet again, we have to pull away from people we care about, so that we can heal ourselves from the painful dysfunction we experienced with them.

Trees

[bee well]

Hi All,
I really do appreciate the support here. I don't have anyone else I can talk about it in the same way. It's also really helpful to hear different voices.

Thanks for what you wrote Bloomie. All of it is true for me, and  I'm going to keep it for future consideration. I

have a ton of fear about this. I'm trying to keep those scenarios out of my head.

You wrote:
"Sometimes a person's behaviors are so disturbing and unsettling to our mental health we cannot, maybe ever, be in a position of vulnerability with them. We don't have to announce that or to seek anyone's agreement in it. It is our free choice to recognize that for ourselves and adjust accordingly."

The big challenge here is un-enmeshing with DH and letting him work it out with them, and stand aside, not repeat my opinions.

I know it's not likely to get better on her end and he is traumabonded as well as mamabonded (which is a good thing when mothers are behhaving kindly and gently)

Yesterday they found out about another conditon of MILS needs to be monitored, It's not a tragdy or disaster, but she fella apart sobbing because "she has something" (doom mentality).

DH is trying to use his head and not play into it, but it's going to be hard....

I'm just doing daily stuff, (We cancelled a bunch of fun stuff because we were both too wiped out from all of this...I guess it's better to do that than try to force ourselves to have fun.) I didn't even want to come in here today  then I thought if we can't come in here where can we go?

I feel awful and don't feel like doing anything really but that's okay. I'm not going to deny what happened. It will pass.

Trees,

Thanks for all the heartfelt support and insight you continue to give here and  on this forum.

This is very true:

"Personally, I don't think enough is written about the stuff a DIL goes through when MIL is emotionally immature / has a PD, and DIL realizes she can't deal with it the same way anymore.

And you wrote:

"When I met my MIL, I was filled with hope that she and I could have a good connection. When I look online, I don't see a lot written about the heartbroken DIL. Even though it is a reality for a lot of people."

I'm sorry that didn't happen the way you had hoped Trees. I don't know exactly how things are for you today, but I hope things have lightened some now that you have learned more and hopefully, had some time to grieve it.

I am  hopeful more people studying these dynamics will write more about it. Learning about other people's experiences really helps.

You say:

"For a family system to really heal, as a system, everyone would need to be on board. We all know that is not common. For most of us, we pull away from dysfunction, so that we can heal on our own, with those who truly care about our own health and sanity. There is a lot to grieve when we realize that yet again, we have to pull away from people we care about, so that we can heal ourselves from the painful dysfunction we experienced with them."

This is why I don't want to get too close to FIL and BIL (even if DH thinks it's important not to let MIL break us all apart. They don't understand that it's the whole system that is broken.)I think that would bring wierd enmeshment and triangulation. So I have to say I agree I pulling away to work on me is a good idea.

Thanks again so much for all the time and energy. Y'all are very kind people. It's heartening for all of us here to know kind people exist. (There is an alternative to the disorder and dysfunction! :=)) Have a good day, where ever you are, and "talk" to you later.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Bee well,

This forum was super helpful to me when I was figuring out things about my FOO years ago.

In that last post of mine, I mentioned about my hope as a DIL, because I think that is what motivated lots of us - of course we wanted good relationships with our ILs, and it is totally normal. In therapy sessions, a lot of time gets spent simply validating our own feelings as normal, common and healthy. So I've learned how important it is to remind ourselves, that our desire to get along with people in our life is normal, common and healthy.

But the dysfunction in a family, it is what it is, as you know.

I am glad we have this space and that folks here get it. I'm glad you're getting the support you deserve here. It is a good place for people to get this help as they sort through this hard stuff.

Take care today,

Trees