Gifts

[sunshine702]

Starting to get a phobia - although I will try to shake it off.  I like Christmas.  I try to do mid range thoughtful gifts.  For instance I got my dad a bread machine.  We love ours and I thought he might enjoy the ritual of it all - the smell of fresh bread. 

I got my brother and his partner  a Harry and David food box this year.  Pretty. Tastey. Useful. 

My Narc mom jut called for my birthday.  And  told me not to exchange Christmas gift as he was making fun of my gift.

It hurts.  I suppose it was meant to.  Sigh. 

This is triangulation. And scoreboard.  I know that.  It still hurts a bit. 

I did it with a pure heart. I am not trying to one up anyone. I like Christmas . And If I want to I will or will not do it again in 6 months.

FOG help..

[Liketheducks]

I hear you.     It really stinks to be rejected when you are genuinely thoughtful in your generosity.   

My mom messaged once that I wasn't to send anymore "obligatory" (they weren't) gifts to her.   She'd continue sending things to my son because he wasn't part of my "nonsense" and to have a nice life.     I send them anyway.   She can choose what she does with them.   If I give a gift or don't, I do it for me.    I have no control over what they do with it.     If she can't receive a gift graciously, that just makes her rude.   I find it ironic that Mom was the person who taught me to do that, but can't do that with gifts from me.      Additionally, she scans my home anytime she's over to see where her gifts to me have been displayed.   It is hurtful and childish.

A bread machine sounds like a wonderful gift!   Who doesn't like Harry and David food boxes?    These are great gifts.   Bet if they received them from anyone else, but Sunshine702, they'd be gushing over how thoughtful these gifts are.     

[SunnyMeadow]

What a hurtful thing for her to say to you. Who does that? Which one was making fun of your gift? Even if he did make fun of your gift, why wouldn't a mother/wife say..."hey, that's not nice, how rude of you". If one of my children or husband made fun of a gift I would never tell the gift giver.

Just thought of something, do you think she's lying about him making fun of the gift? My mother lied about many things concerning my sister and I. When I found out about the lie, I was 100% shocked because I fully believed my mother. Maybe she's trying to stir up some narc fun.

If I were in your shoes, I'd want to walk away from the whole gift giving mess because of this. I'm sorry sunshine702

[Amadahy]

I'd donate to a fav charity in the their name. Bonus if it's something they'd hate. Lol. Actually, IDK if I'd do this, but it's fun to think about sometimes. 😉 Sorry that happened, you didn't deserve that. 

[justducky]

sunshine702, how awful! I'm sorry that your father did that and that your mother felt the need to tell you.

It's entirely up to you if you'd like to send anyone a gift. 

I'd donate to a fav charity in the their name. Bonus if it's something they'd hate. Lol.

Toward the end of the "money wars" with enMom--before I'd learned that it was best to either throw out letters/cards or not respond at all--I donated the $100 or so my mother insisted that I have because she gave the same amount to my sister for some reason and she had to be "fair"  to a domestic violence shelter in her name. I hadn't yet learned to drop the rope and was fed up with her and uPD father's triangulation, intrusions, and unwanted gifts. They used money to control.

Telling enMom about that donation mostly stopped the unwanted, unneeded gifts.

To be clear, IMO it's best to gray rock or ignore unwanted gifts if the giver refuses to listen to you.

[moglow]

I'd donate to a fav charity in the their name. Bonus if it's something they'd hate. Lol.

Done it, and I highly recommend it! Double good feeling on that one

Sunshine, honestly, your brother [and dad] may have said nothing of the sort - may, in fact have been really pleased with their gifts. SHE may have been the one making those comments, given she's the one who decided to repeat it. Her saying that to you smacks of jealousy and triangulation, and "she did that for them but didn't for ME!" Her sad comparisons are not your stuff and don't let her make it so.

Do what you want, but I'd personally continue to give brother and dad, send donation in mom's name. Absolute bonus points if you choose one that would stick in her craw but help someone who appreciates it.

Edited to add: If you want to send a H&D box this year, I'll gladly accept! They're fabulous 

[sunshine702]

Yes that is what I am left with - Which part of this is true or are they both true. Brother making fun of and/ or mom retelling and blaming me for gift giving to the SG.   I definitely think SHE wants to stop exchanging gifts.  She has been not so subtly saying that for 2 Christmas now.  Ok. No problem.  Yeah one year I did World Vision.  She got a cow to a needy family.  I really liked it but she was pissed I think.

My brother seemed very gracious when receiving it. He gave some funny books back.  I liked it too.   I really don't feel the need to investigate further

. A lot came up in that barf phone call with Narc mom.  I am kicking myself for picking up.  It was my birthday - I was hoping that this time would be different that they would truely care what is going on in my life.  Nope.

Instead I found out I guess about my brother's arrest and eviction.  And how he lies. And how he's fat.  She used to be growing up but we never talk of that.  And how she doesn't want to hear about my gift being made fun of so I should stop exchanging with my brother   But I like Christmas I answered.

What a toxic day.  Sigh.  Ok new day. TeAm healthy.  My mother in law LOVES Christmas - it's her bday too.  Focus on that.  She loves purple

[sunshine702]

Also one of the judgments that regularly come about my brother - is how he has credit card debt from Christmases a decade ago.

It leaves me feeling sad that he went into debt trying to get something for her that is not appreciated and judged. 

Wow dang this is triggering

[moglow]

Try and just consider the source, Sunshine. I doubt I'd bring it up to Dad or brother, just continue to be who you are and do what you feel is best. I got where I'd shut mommie dearest down quick fast and in a hurry regarding others and their stuff. I'd heard so much for so long and found out a lot of it was never said/done at all or she'd blown minor details way out of proportion to support her personal need for drama. You don't have to participate in any of her gossip sessions, redirect or end the call entirely if needed. I know how hard it is to let it roll off sometimes, so I chose less exposure. 

I hope the rest of your birthday is peaceful and you eat plenty of cake [or whatever your treat of choice]!

[sunshine702]

Yes it might be jealously now that you mention it. My brother wished his gifts to be sent to the parent's house as package thiefs were big at their house.  I honored that wish. However when  I made the phone call to Harry and David I was very very tired from an extra long work shift and got the address numbers wrong.  It dawned on me about 10 minutes later and I called back to correct.

A week later she said a package came then another package came.  I still don't know if a duplicate order came.  Or if the other one was from my other brother.   Crazy making

I gave with a pure heart.  Whatever!

[Cat of the Canals]

Sunshine, honestly, your brother [and dad] may have said nothing of the sort - may, in fact have been really pleased with their gifts. SHE may have been the one making those comments, given she's the one who decided to repeat it. Her saying that to you smacks of jealousy and triangulation, and "she did that for them but didn't for ME!" Her sad comparisons are not your stuff and don't let her make it so.

This was exactly what I was thinking. I don't trust much that comes out of PDmom's mouth these days, especially when it's something that fits one of her many agendas. My brother and I have caught her in many lies by comparing notes.

BTW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!