24 hours in PD-Land

[wisingup]

I am vLC with uBPDm, and my life is 100% better for it.  But I still get pulled in to her world on a regular basis.

There was another "crisis" yesterday - mom freaks out whenever she feels ill & calls someone in hysterics.  In good news, she called her sister first this time before calling me.  In bad news, her sister then called me to get my advice.  We both advised that she call 911.   Apparently she actually did call, & said she didn't feel like she actually needed an ambulance but wasn't sure what to do & the 911 operator talked her down a bit.

I had already planned to stop by yesterday to pick up her monthly bills, which I manage.   By the time I got there, all was fine & she was calm again.  Absolutely no concern or awareness that she had freaked out her sister and I yet again.  I tried to talk to her yet again about going to assisted living as each of these episodes shows that she really needs more help than those around her are willing to give.  But she doesn't want to go, period.  Then I spent the evening struggling with feeling bad about how I interact with her.  I'm SO guarded around her & probably come across very cold & on the verge of hostile.  Everytime we interact, I have to go through about 24 hours of guilt that I can't seem to be pleasant or relaxed around her.

Then today I sat down to do her monthly bills.  I noticed that she had a letter from our state tax board - it turned out to be a notice that she had never filed her 2020 taxes & they were about to assess a set of penalties and fines.    So my day was spent tracking down tax docs & responding to the letter.   I remember asking her about her 2021 taxes & her just shrugging like she hadn't given it any thought since I had agreed to take over her finances; so I got an extension & plan to do them myself prior to the deadline.  But it never occurred to me she hadn't done the previous year's taxes.  The notice was already past due - we were supposed to respond by June 29.  As my DH said, she just handed me a giant turd pie that I spent my day eating.

So that were the events of the lasts 24 hours.  Even being vLC, I really can't get away from her.  She's just too comfortable being helpless & letting others take the burden.   

[Leonor]

Hi WisingUp,

Welcome home from PDLand! Kind of like Disneyland but it's a lot more expensive and the only characters are the crazy stepmoms and wicked queens!

Well, welcome almost home. You're not just a bit dizzy after the last ride--you're still twirling around on the teacups.

Acting cold or distant towards your mom isn't maintaining emotional distance. It's just acting cold or distant towards your mom.

That's okay, that's normal, that's totally human and understandable. You're very kind and compassionate to try your best to take care of your mom and still take care of yourself.

Here's the thing, though: it's not possible. It just isn't. After one brief visit with limited conversation, you feel guilty and upset and frustrated and resentful. That's not emotional distance, and it certainly isn't self care!

That's not a failure. That's not being healed enough. That's not being wrong or dysfunctional or any of those things. Dear, you could go to the Toolbox and wrap yourself in a handyman belt of every piece of advice and counsel and practice in there, and you are going to come out of every interaction with your mom feeling guilty and frustrated and overwhelmed. Because she's not your mentally-disordered neighbor or client or acquaintance. She's your mom!

Money seems like a task we can do for our elderly parents that is practical and non-emotional and helpful and mature. Because we are not disordered.

But for our disordered parents, money is a renewable source of negative energy and narcissistic supply, the juiciest bait and the deepest mire where they can stand on their little island whimpering "help" and the world, and especially their dutiful daughters, will rush right into the muck and stay there stuck with them forever.

I wish this weren't true. I wish that pd parents were just immature, or irresponsible, or ignorant. That's not the case. My ILs pulled every kind of shocking, outrageous, purposeful scam to keep DH enmeshed through money. And when he laid down the boundary of no talking about money, they escalated by withdrawing such huge amounts of cash from their accounts we thought someone had stolen their debit card and they let us believe it until someone at the bank mentioned how nice it was to see DH's parents so often lately.

You are empowered to get off the Mad Hatter's teacups. But it would mean not taking care of mom's finances. It would mean withstanding the wave of guilt and shame, for feeling like you've abandoned your mother. It would mean ignoring the confused calls, the pleas for help, the bitter accusations and the threatening letters from collectors.

But if you can stand the onslaught, eventually the waves will recede to ripples, and then clear, still water. Grief will come, and you will have space to grieve. To feel angry instead of frustrated, and sad instead of panicked, and accepting instead of guilty. And you'll be able to interact with your mom in a different way... The way that you want to be with her, regardless of how she wants or believes things to be.

It's an option. But it's not the only option, and the best option is the one that works best for you, for where and who and how you are in every and any given moment.

[Cat of the Canals]

Then I spent the evening struggling with feeling bad about how I interact with her.  I'm SO guarded around her & probably come across very cold & on the verge of hostile.  Everytime we interact, I have to go through about 24 hours of guilt that I can't seem to be pleasant or relaxed around her.

I used to feel this way about my PDmom until I realized I'm guarded for a reason: her behavior. I can't be pleasant or relaxed around her because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are not withholding from your mother or being cold. You are protecting yourself (and it sounds like with good reason).

If it's feasible, I would consider hiring a professional to oversee her finances. It's a big enough burden without her completely dropping the ball and leaving you to clean up the mess. At least a third party professional would get paid to clean it up.

[wisingup]

Ah, thanks both!  The tiniest interaction with her can send me reeling because I just don't understand how her brain works.

I'm convince that she needs to go to assisted living.  I think she could live on her own a little longer if she had one or more people who were willing to help her on a regular basis. But the only people in her life are:

1) Me, who dreads every interaction with her
2) Her 87-year old sister who is tired and burned out from dealing with her
3) My brother who is still recovering from cancer surgery and chemotherapy, and who has two sons with rather serious mental health issues. 

I'm afraid that the end result will be a fall or other true health emergency, & that's the only way we'll convince her to go to AL. But I'll have to try to figure out how to stop waiting for that shoe to drop in the meantime.