Friday brings me peace

[Pepin]

Today was eye opening for me.  I was out running my usual errands and doing stuff when it hit me how much easier it is to breath now.  I used to loathe my town not because of the town itself but where my town is located in proximity to CN MIL's house.  It was stifling having her live so close by, an intrusion to my marriage and family.  If she had had her way, we would have lived around the corner from her.

Before she passed I would cram my life into 5 days a week, maximizing what I could and being extra careful with my time -- because I knew the second DH woke up Saturday morning, that he would be thinking about her.  He was practically visiting her every Saturday or Sunday -- or both.  And sometimes he'd check in with a phone call during the week.  It really was demoralizing the way he would ask every single Saturday what we had going on even though we have always had a master calendar with everything on it showing who does what and when.  It was such a stupid question to ask when he could just trot himself over and look at the calendar.  I think he was looking for a reaction from me by asking this same thing every single weekend.  It was like he wanted my permission to be excused from being with our family to go visit her or somehow include her in what we were doing.     

I think he knew deep down that it was too much seeing her as often as he did but he didn't know how to get out of it -- always seeking that gratification from having done something hero worthy for his mother even though everything he did she easily could have and should have done for herself.  He completely enabled her having been groomed that way from birth.  The two of them were stuck in this horrible loop of dysfunction that just seemed like it would not end.

And now, we have 7 whole days a week to do whatever we like without consequence.  Really.  Mondays used to be my Friday and now that today is Friday, I am at peace. 

[Starboard Song]

Oh wow!

That is not a dynamic you could have seen coming. That is such great news. I think many of us wonder if peace like that will ever come. Maybe death will only turn fear and anxiety into guilt and regret. I am so happy for you!

Starboard

[SunnyMeadow]

It IS easier to breath. I like how you worded this. Peace and calm for the entire 7 day week is fantastic. After all you've gone through, you deserve it.

I don't have that anxious feeling in my stomach when I open my email, hear a text or a phone call because she can't contact me anymore. There is no debating which day of the week I'd make my obligatory phone call to her. I had it all planned out that if I could bear one hour on the phone with her once a week, I could put off an in person visit for awhile. My whole life revolved around her and her upset feelings.

Now it doesn't! 

[stasia]

I am so glad that you finally have some peace.

[Pepin]

Today I am reminded how this all started....my anxiety that is.  Not long after my first child was born, I started having some emotional issues.  I chalked it up to being a new mom and possibly post partum depression - and even the fact that we had moved into a new area that I was unfamiliar with.  But I was confused as to why I was struggling because I had already endured so much in my life that this should have been easy in comparison.  My pregnancy was wonderful.  I made it through birth.  I enjoyed being a Mom.  I enjoyed exploring my new surroundings with my child.  I was reparenting myself along the way as well and that was satisfying. 

And then I hit a wall.  I was prescribed anti depressants to deal with this confusion....not really understanding what was happening except that the edge was taken of by taking anti depressants.  And it helped - I was happier, more calm...

Looking back I realize that this is when DH was starting to make a shift.  He must have realized that I was embracing my new role as Mom and loving it and that I was seemingly able to handle myself while he traveled a lot more for work -- which is true.  He then began spending more of his free time with his parents or including them in what we did as if we were a big happy family.  This meant less time for me with him and our child with him...It was as if suddenly, CN MIL needed him to be more present in her life and since we lived near by, and she saw that I was handling everything else, that he could do this.

I didn't realize this affected me so much at the time.  I did need my husband by my side.  I remember pleading with him and crying one time in particular and admitting that I realized after much angst that I was not #1 and never would be.  This was the a ha moment for me about who CN MIL truly was as she had been behaving herself before then.  And from that moment forward, I had to share my husband with his mother.  Even our children eventually realized this dynamic....that their grandmother was more important than they were.  Of course that created resentment.

A sore point in our family is vacation.  The kids hate vacations because DH crams in as much as possible and it is exhausting.  Why does he do this?  Because the clock is ticking and he had to check in with CN MIL of course.  He was always worrying about her in the background...  We were both crammers thanks to CN MIL.  He didn't cram M-F because I picked up the slack, therefore vacations were his only opportunity.  His free time as I mentioned before was always divided between our family and her.  Though in the last year or so he has finally started putting himself first, which is good.  I didn't say anything and just let him do what he wanted to do because I had already filled my plate with things that I like to do.

But now it seems kind of like we are exposed - since we have more time than before.  The sad part is that there is a lot of emotional baggage and hurt beneath all of that from all the prior years of DH rushing to his mother before his marriage and family.  Our kids seem ok at the moment but I think one of them is quietly simmering...and I am very sad about that.  I really did what I could despite wanting to pack my stuff and leave.  Leaving would have meant the kids spend more time with CN MIL and that would have been worse.

And here we are.  While I can breath easier, it's kind of scary, too.  Because now we have to start dealing with things that we were barred from doing before.