A little bit of drama

[pianissimo]

So, there have been some developments at work. At least from my perspective, out of the blue, the boss announced that he is leaving (this doesn't mean he is losing his job, but he is possibly appointed to elsewhere) . My guess is, this was known by a lot at work. I heard it as a rumor from a friend, who hears gossip when she takes a ride to work with colleagues. The way she heard it implied the boss's leave was later in summer. But, the boss left his position only a couple of days after we heard the rumors. To me, it seemed abrupt.

When this all happened, I kind of enjoyed my detachment from whatever going on. For example, we have a work whatsapp group, in which everyone bid their farewell to the boss, and I didn't. Because, I didn't have to, and in my case, me saying or not saying good bye to the boss would not mean anything. I acknowledged his leave the next day when something we were working together was passed to the new boss. I showed appreciation that he continued to help with the work when he was in the process of exiting. I think we left it in good terms. 

But, this Friday, quite unexpectedly to me, some people at work decided to throw a farewell dinner/meal at some restaurant for the boss, and they also asked others at work for contribution to buy a gift. When this was first suggested in some kind of board I belong, I said, to my understanding, we bid farewell to the boss, and there is no need for a dinner or a gift. But, then, others added me to this whatsapp group for the event organization. There, again, I said I said goodbye to the boss in alignment with the level of familiarity I have with him, and that, from my point of view, there was no need for a dinner organization or a farewell gift. So, here, the other thing is, as far as I know, they don't have that familiarity with the boss either. I would be inclined to participate in such an event if it was organized by someone who was known to be friends with the boss. To my knowledge, they are not. So, to me, the whole thing seems dodgy, or, I don't know, icky. And, if I'm honest, this is the second goodbye event they organized since last week. We have another employee who is leaving, and they threw him a goodbye picnic or some sort in the garden outside the workplace. In that instance, I didn't voice my opinion, I just said I had errands to run in town and I would text the guy goodbye (and again, I think, in relation to this employee too, this is the right way for me. )

With the event organization about the boss though, I expressed my opinion as to why I'm not participating. In this case, because I'm in some kind of managerial position, I felt like "I have something else going on" would not look good either. Plus, I have a feeling, they are really going for "tell us you don't want go to this nice goodbye party, you will look like the bad one". So, I felt like I should mention, from my point, a message was sufficient (and it indeed was), but, this off course implied what they are doing is weird.  After saying this, I didn't leave the group. I was actually not hundred percent felt confronted, a part of me thought perhaps someone would come up with a good explanation for doing this. Alas, just now, I was kicked out of the group by the organizer.

Here, I think, I'm at this nice point. I mean, I don't have to do anything. How great is that? Though, there is a part of me that does feel like challenging them to include me back in the group. I could write a message to another work chat group to ask them if they can include me back in the other one because I want to be in the loop. It's that easy.  It might annoy them even further, so  I'm not sure if it's worth it. When I'm back in the group, I might lose interest in what's talked anyways. So, I would be making a fuss over nothing. So far, doing nothing has been effective.

P.S. Here, I also feel like I should ask them to include me back in the group to nip it in the bud in case this behaviour becomes established. This is bad behaviour, it's confrontational. It's not OK for them to handle the situation like this... Me asking for getting back signals "It's OK to oppose, I still derserve to be in the group. If I leave the group, it's my choice."  So, I sense bullying in their behaviour, and I feel like I should address it by getting back in the group, to prevent them engaging in behavior like this.

[escapingman]

Office drama at it's best, this is why I stay out of all that kind of things now being self employed. Would it be possible for you to just leave this behind and not bother about either the whatsapp group or the leaving party? Or would this affect your future in the company? I don't know, office politics is something I hate and always put my foot in.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know any of your back story at this office, but purely based on what you have written here I am not surprised they removed you from the WhatsApp.

In every office I have ever worked at there has always been some sort of fuss made about everyone who leaves. There has always been a collection to buy a card and gift. There has usually been some sort of leaving get-together unless the person leaving has made it abundantly clear they don't want one. It seems to me that people generally like to have an excuse for a get-together with colleagues and a leaving do is particularly good because there are ample opportunities for gossip. The leaver can be pressed to express thoughts about the company which they might not communicate if they were staying. If you have made it clear you are not particularly supportive of this party then I can see why the group might not really want you to remain part of the discussions about it. They may feel you disapprove of them, and nobody likes that, especially if you are in a managerial position. Removing you is a bit passive-aggressive but it doesn't look like bullying to me. I think it would look weird if you asked to be re-admitted to this group. Why would you want to be kept in the loop for a gathering you have no intention of attending?

Office politics suck, for sure, but I don't personally see an elegant way to sort this out to your satisfaction now that you have been removed from the group.

[pianissimo]

Office drama at it's best

Validation, thanks. Because, I'm judging myself for being stressed about this.

I think I dealt with it. I wrote a message to the common whatsapp group. I didn't make it about the person who kicked me out. I said something along the lines that there had been increasing number of whatsapp groups lately, and it would be good practice if we didn't remove those who we include in the groups without their consent, and, when in doubt, to resolve what to do with a conversation.

For me, this works, because this aspect of what happened bothered me. It wasn't nice of them to kick me out like that. And this way, I'm not taking what happened personally but I'm saying it's not nice. This feels fair.

Would it be possible for you to just leave this behind and not bother about either the whatsapp group or the leaving party? Or would this affect your future in the company?

Yes and no. In this case, I think, they wouldn't frame my efforts as such. They would make it about me being aloof or condescending, or rude. So, I end up engaging with them to make it OK for me to stay out of things.

In every office I have ever worked at there has always been some sort of fuss made about everyone who leaves. There has always been a collection to buy a card and gift. There has usually been some sort of leaving get-together unless the person leaving has made it abundantly clear they don't want one. It seems to me that people generally like to have an excuse for a get-together with colleagues and a leaving do is particularly good because there are ample opportunities for gossip. The leaver can be pressed to express thoughts about the company which they might not communicate if they were staying. If you have made it clear you are not particularly supportive of this party then I can see why the group might not really want you to remain part of the discussions about it. They may feel you disapprove of them, and nobody likes that, especially if you are in a managerial position. Removing you is a bit passive-aggressive but it doesn't look like bullying to me. I think it would look weird if you asked to be re-admitted to this group. Why would you want to be kept in the loop for a gathering you have no intention of attending?

So, your narration doesn't fit my situation. But, I think they are playing on this narrative, and I would have fallen for it if I was new here. But, we haven't practiced that tradition here since I started working in this place (five years). Such events would be organized around those who are friends. We are definitely not friends with the boss. The other thing is, the boss is leaving under weird circumstances. A big part of my hesitancy is not knowing what's going on. He announced he was leaving, and that was that.

For me, it's OK to want to remain in the group, because the way they treat their relationship with me, we are friends. If they ask them, they know me well enough to not take what I said in a negative way. So, I could totally stay in the group while disagreeing with the idea of organizing the event. Well, it's a small work environment. Also, if I organized a social event, and if somebody didn't want to participate but stayed in the group, I would think "this person stayed, perhaps they will change their mind?". And this is why I actually wanted to stay in the group, because, at least on the surface, we are in friendly terms, and I thought they might say something that changes my mind.

I think kicking somebody out of a group without a word has a bullying aspect to it. I can't make a case for that here. I'm not sure if it matters whether I call the behaviour bullying or passive aggression. Well, at least in the context of my relationship with them, it shouldn't have happened. I think if not addressed, the behaviour can escalate to more serious forms of bullying. You don't kick people out of groups when they disagree. At least, you talk to them first.

[square]

It may have seemed to them that you were kicking the boss out of the group, so to speak - taking a position that they may have interpreted to be hostile to the boss, that he wasn't worth performing the usual goidbye customs for.

The social work of an office, like Christmas parties and Secret Santas, or all signing birthday cards and attending monthly birthday parties, can be hard for introverts and even more so for people on the spectrum. The office is inherently a society, though, so these things will happen.

[pianissimo]

It may have seemed to them that you were kicking the boss out of the group, so to speak - taking a position that they may have interpreted to be hostile to the boss, that he wasn’t worth performing the usual goidbye customs for.

Again, these are the kinds of narratives they play on. If anybody views the situation through the lenses of these kinds of narratives, what I do looks offensive. It's not the reality of the situation though. I understand it's difficult to see this from the writing. Here, the language is different, the culture is different. The only reason they have this concept is, possibly because they watch too much TV, and they think this is the way to make a nice gesture. Where I live is quite conservative, to the point, it's not safe to be outside after dark, and this is how I know we don't have such customs here.

The social work of an office, like Christmas parties and Secret Santas, or all signing birthday cards and attending monthly birthday parties, can be hard for introverts and even more so for people on the spectrum. The office is inherently a society, though, so these things will happen.

The extent of avoiding social situation depends on the individual. I'm quite social. I actually socialised here a lot too, and this is how I know they are up to no good, because I got to know them. I don't think I ever said I'm on the spectrum of, what, you fill in, but, let's be realistic, I probably am on that of something, because everyone is. This is how the concept of spectrum works. But, then, in this context, it really doesn't mean I'm the one who can't cope with a stressful situation. Thanks for the comment square, I appreciate it.

[pianissimo]

An update: Apparently, the boss is not leaving the job, but just his position at the management. So, to me, it seems like they ended up organizing a leaving event for someone who is not leaving.