Nmum just went next level

[wesorya]

After being VLC for quite some time, and also about a year into family court proceedings with my nex-husband for access to my 5 yr old, I found out today that nmum has written a stat dec for nex. I have read it, and it is enragingly vindictive, painting a picture of him as an absolute martyr and saint and me as apparently absent and useless.
I am utterly disgusted that a mother could do this to her own child. I know this is her punishing me for not falling into line, despite all her other punishments (turning the rest of the family against me) not working. I know that these words don't mean anything real about me, but it scares the hell out of me that my own mother's words are going to be held up in court as evidence of how awful and unreasonable I am, and what that will look like to the judge.
The next hearing is next Wednesday. I am unrepresented but am able to get further legal advice before the hearing.

Is she just trying to push every possible button to attempt to get a reaction out of me? What do I say to my kids?

[Liketheducks]

That is awful!    And, I've had it happen to me.   Not in a divorce situation.  My younger brother was really struggling with his mental health.   My father, who wasn't sober at the time, had showed up on his doorstep.   Bro took him in.   Dad tried very hard to split up his marriage.   Bro followed Dad's "advice" and was abusive towards his own wife....who filed a restraining order.   When Bro was served,  he realized just how terrible he had behaved and tried to commit suicide.   Dad thought he'd stick around and inherit Bro's house.   Sick puppy all around.   My mother and I ended up getting a court order to have my Bro evaluated and treated.   We had him committed.    The judge called me to have me come to his office and read a 7 page hand written novel that my father wrote....claiming to be my brother.....and leveling all kinds of accusations at me and my mother.   It was vile.   
Thankfully, the judge had seen this type of stuff before.   I imagine, yours will have too.   The truth always comes out.   Hang in there.   

[Leonor]

Hello Wesorya,

Is there a domestic violence or family outreach center that might be able to connect you with pro bono representation? You shouldn't have to face this alone.

[hhaw]

wesorya:

I'm sorry your mother is willing to threaten you and your childen in this way.

I hope you can look at your evidence, organize it according to your mother's statements and provide clarity to the court when and if the time comes.

PDs lob over the top allegation after allegation and there's usually some ONE dumb bunny who buys their story in the court system.  The up side.... it's likely the PDs in you life can't fool all the people of the court all the time..... only enough to frighten and threaten you so keep breathing and don't assume all is lost when things like this come up.

Sometimes the PDs go to such extremes to "win" they actually out themselves, IME.  For instance, your mother making such a bold and infalmmatory statement against her own daughter..... THAT is something a Judge would look at hard and dismiss if there's zero evidence to back that up.  What does your mother have to back up her statement? What do you have to back up your narrative?  I found organizing my evidence in a notebook made it easy to put my hands on ANYTHING important I needed to refute the PD crazy and you don't always know what you need till you're in a meeting or court, IME.  I would bring EVERYTHING and have whatever I needed...... it was one win after another for me.  Loss after loss for the PDs. 

She with the best evidence tends to win in Court, IME.  it might take a while, but if you're consistent, manage your emotions and keep SHOWING the court evidence to back up you narrative...... that final day in the Courtroom is brutal for PDs making HUGE sweeing accusations with zero evidence to back them up, IME.

Think about what you have, evidence wise, to SHOW the court what they need to know about you and your situation.

[wesorya]

Thank you so much for your replies and support. Ducks, that is terrible, I'm so glad the judge was able to see it for what it was. I hope that is the case for me too.
I do believe that my ex-husband's actions are already speaking for him. When looked at through the PD lens (rather than feeling the hurt and attack in it), his affidavit seemed so self-centred, and focused entirely on blaming me, talking about his needs and wants, and did not discuss how our child's needs would be met in any way at all.

Thank you for the reminders  about evidence hhaw. I have just written myself a list of all the people I could ask to write a statement attesting to my parenting abilities, care of my children, and about the positive and proactive steps I have taken to ensure their ongoing development and safety. That would be the way I would have to address my mother's statement, as she hasn't openly accused me of anything, she's just made sweeping statements about how every time she was there, my ex was doing such and such care for children or dinner preparation - ALONE. Well wowee, and I was up breastfeeding every night alone too...but I don't need a medal or a statement written for that. I hope that the judge can see that it's actually not anything extraordinary that's been described, or even particularly relevant, given that the neglect and abuse of the children that my older children have since described in detail, occurred when we had separated and he was "caring" for them alone - not the situation my mother is describing which is when I am in the house also (taking care of everything in the background).

I'm not sure if I wil be able to get witnessed statements organised before the hearing (we have a public holiday here tomorrow) but I am going to try. And at the very least I will have them ready for the next hearing.

Since I posted this, my lovely "adopted" aunt and uncle (good friends who are our real family now) have actually arranged and paid for me to have a session with a lawyer the day before the hearing, bless their gorgeous hearts <3 <3 <3

[hhaw]

W:

You can get signed and notarized witness statements together.  THIS gives you and all attorneys involved an idea of what your witnesses WOULD say on the stand if they're required to testify. 

Some hearings are for presenting evidence, some aren't.  I have to say..... if it's possible to have your very best witnesses attend hearings and court matters, as supporters and advocates, you'll gain more than just moral support.  Sometimes the PDs back down when they see you have witnesses who can refute whatever crazy statements they're planning to make in Court.... that's happened for me and please please please don't lose any sleep over the crazy things PDs are allowed to say an do in the Justice system without consequences. 

Our system is set up by attorneys for attorneys and serves them first..... it's a money making machine and non parents fighting PDs are ground down pretty fine by it IF they don't accept the system as it is, do what they can and put that story on the shelf... go back to being present in the moment with your children, avoid judging, catastrophising and worrying.

Worry worry worry is a pretty common coping strategy.... used to use it solely myself, but there's another strategy available....
doing what you can then going about your business.... being present in the moment.

An example of beign present in the moment with your children is getting on their levels and making meaningful eye contact while engaging them...... really being present for them is different than feeling scattered and worried, IME.

Try deep breathing if you can't find your calm center.... sometimes I have to push hard hard hard on doorjambs or take a cold shower to calm myself down enough to be able to take deep breathes and focus on what's in front of me.

You can't get these days back.  Don't let the PDs take one moment of joy from you.  Esp with your children.  Tomorrow they'l be one day older.  Enjoy them today, every day.

Good luck