Friends can you help

[Lilyloo]

I suddenly got so angry and very sad that my mother could not even acknowledge that I am down and in pain with my back. It's not about me and I don't mean it to be. God knows that I never want to be her.  Her and her selfish health talk constantly. Poor her, no not ever do I want to sound like her.  It's not about my back or needing sympathy. It's  really not!   It's just the emotion wrenching pain that she can't love me or care.  my earlier topic "about to explode" in the elderly board I said I was keeping calm but I'm not. I feel so angry and totally  unloved by that selfish woman. I'd take a bullet for my kids.  I'd lay in front of a truck if it meant save them. I'm 68 and how come  I feel like I'm 5 years  old.  How can I allow her to do this.  I thought I was doing so much better. This stuff is so deeply instilled in me,  the unworthiness the belief that I don't matter and all because of her. I could have been someone different.  I guess the fact I keep coming here means I still need to heal.  I feel like my heart is truly broke.  When she sent her sob story about her woes after  hearing nothing from her for 6 weeks, I wanted to go off on her. I simply said I'm sorry for all of your troubles, be well.  It took all I had to acknowledge her.  I don't know how to stop the hurt

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know how to stop it either. Just when I think I am strong and coping my mother often finds a way to throw a total curveball. The most recent episode from mine was around a health issue, too, and it was just so totally uncaring.

So I get how bad you are feeling but all I can do is just send you good wishes and hope you can hang in there. I think that because you are in pain with your back your other defences are probably lower, since you are struggling. I hope you feel better soon, and with that more strength will probably come.

Hugs.

[Andeza]

Oh honey *hugs* she's broken, but you're not. You just want what all of us ever wanted. A normal, loving parent, that asks about them, cares about them, *shows* that they love them by their actions and deeds instead of what we ended up with. Parents that don't do that stuff. The 5 year old knew. She knew her mom couldn't give her what she needed and she was hurt by that. She's still hurt by that. Wounded and scarred by the lack of basic emotional need-meeting. Your needs are healthy needs. The needs are not wrong.

It's why I went NC. She couldn't do anything other than pile her needs on me, needs that I could not meet AND see to my own. I can only keep me healthy, not her as well. I miss what could have been, what should have been. My kids are young and it would have been nice to have wise and sound advice in this stage of my life, but she never could have given that. Everything would have been tied right back to her. To her needs. To the bottomless black pit that consumes all that is offered up to it and keeps wanting more. To be the emotional toilet where she dumps all her feelings that she doesn't know how to process, so that she feels better for the moment and enjoys the talk, but could do it all over again day after day after day because she hasn't really helped herself in any way.

We will all of us be working on healing for all of our lives. It is truly a journey and not a destination. Recognizing that there is no endgame in this regard may allow you to let go of any feelings of failure. You haven't failed. That would be like reading the first book of a series and saying to failed you finish the story just because you haven't picked up the next book yet.

Have you seen anyone? I know some folks in these situations swear by therapy, EMDR, etc. Something to think about.

[Lilyloo]

NarcKiddo, I am so sorry you go through the same crap too!   . Does your mother ignore everything about your pain or illness or life. I know that answer is yes! I know they are all the same.  We all wish to heal. I only wish to never have my mind thinking of anything about her, but here I am seeking answers.   Yes you are right, the physical pain is most likely weakening my defences.  I hate to crumble like this, I just hate it!! Thank you so much 

Andeza, Thank you!  You are right, our needs are healthy needs. I think I'm just so disappointed in myself for letting her make me feel this way again. Yes, seeing there is no endgame is good to think about.  I am a grown senior woman now and should not allow this.   I want happy last years. I am sorry you had the same mother and that your children did not have a loving granny. Mine never did either  .. An emotional toilet, those are truest of true words. I'm here to heal,  Setbacks, I hate them!  I feel weak when they happen

Thank you both for being so kind. I honestly do not know where I would turn if not for here. Yes I should do therapy.  It didnt help when brother called before I posted and laughed when I told him what our mother was doing.. Possibly his way of coping. I do not know

[Lilyloo]

I see that these rants of mine are not necessary. My head is clearer and I apologize.  There's much sadness in this world.  I often believe God will punish me for even being here.  N religious mother..lol 

Blessings and Love

[sunshine702]

Flip it around. What if it was her back and pain.  I bet it would be The Worst Thing Ever!! 

Yeah it is the Invalidation of what you are going through more that the actual pain.

That your suffering isn't a big deal.

Heath stuff make us feel vulnerable.  A need for safety and love to heal up.   It should come from a parent  - but it will not from a disregarding one. 

Who can you count on?  Who is your tribe of Team Normal? 

I am sorry you are going through this. 

[bee well]

Hey Lily Loo,

It's ok for you to feel like you are feeling, at any age. You want you Mom to be there, and you are sad and angry she isn't. That's not your fault, and you don't have to just get over it. You won't always feel the same way about it, and that is okay.  Coming here to verbalize your feelings is a constructive way of dealing with it...it's good to hear you are feeling better now.

[NarcKiddo]

I see that these rants of mine are not necessary. My head is clearer and I apologize.  There's much sadness in this world.  I often believe God will punish me for even being here.  N religious mother..lol 

Blessings and Love

Stop right there, Lilyloo. I am glad to hear your head is clearer but you have nothing to apologise for. Not only are rants sometimes necessary just to help clear the head, but they can be helpful for others, too. It is very easy for us to think that we are alone in our weird situations and I, for one, find it helpful to know others can relate. I hope your back is at least beginning to ease up.

[Cat of the Canals]

Totally agree with the above. I believe that many, if not all, of us ACoNs are extremely uncomfortable with being angry, because we were taught as children that many of our emotions were unacceptable/inconvenient/wrong. I didn't even realize it myself until I met my husband and he started saying to me, "You are allowed to be angry."

And why wouldn't we be angry? We don't ask for all that much. I don't need my mother to be perfect. I only want enough space to be ME without being treated like I'm disappointing her somehow. I want her to take an equal part in the state of our relationship. I want to not be treated like an object or a toy that is hers to play with as she pleases. You know... basic human decency. But she can't/won't give me that. So yeah. I'm angry as hell. 

So I'm going to say the same thing to you, Lilyloo, that my husband said to me. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY.

[Lilyloo]

You are all so wonderful. 

Cat of the Canals, you are spot on.  I am really uncomfortable with my anger.  When you say  we all are that really helps me not to feel so much like a bad person. We are all angry. Also you said we don't ask for much,  it honestly is just mothering like it's supposed to be.  Basic human decency,  that's it,  that's all we ask for.  Thank you Cat!

NarcKIddo,  you're right, it is helpful to read others rants.   I lost it and wasn't even allowing myself to feel what I needed to feel.  I don't think bad of one who rants here,  yet I beat myself up. Thank you ! 

Bee well,  yes, I Just wanted my mother to say she hopes I feel better. She never has so no surprise she didn't.  This forum helps so much. Just one of those off days. Thank you!

Sunshine 702,  yes flipping it around  her pain would be the worst.  So true also it is the invalidating. I don't need much but a bit of effort from her would change this whole situation. Now I have to work on accepting that won't ever happen. Thank You!

[sunshine702]

Anger is a instinct.  Your core knowns you are being done wrong.  It is as normal as shivering when it's cold.

Now what you DO with the anger is the rub.

Be careful to make it work for you as motivation. Show them wrong. Or as fuel for a workout.  Be careful not to turn it in (being bad to yourself overeating substances self harm.

Or write it out.  The unsent letter.  Revenge of a good happy normal life.

[Lilyloo]

I think writng the unsent letter would be a good thing. Thank you sunshine 702

I like the shivering when it's cold comparison too!!

[Adria]

Lilyloo,

I'm so sorry, honey.  I care about your back pain.  That can be so miserable when you are down like that.  I pray that you get back on your feet very soon.

Sometimes, no matter how old we are (I'm 60), we still want our mom when we are lonely, hurt, or scared. The anger can feel like unresolved grief. Grieving the loss of a living death is the worst because there is no finality.  Maybe after the anger subsides, let yourself cry it out and cry hard.  That seems to help me a lot when I feel how you are feeling.  Then do something really nice for yourself.  Try and give to yourself what your mom cannot. 

Jerry Wise has a priceless video on this. It is called "Building Up Your Ability to Go Without Love and Approval.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCyHIgb-o2Y  I watch it every time I feel the way you are feeling.

Something is truly broken in her, and I pity her for not being able to genuinly feel. She is the one who is missing out on the joy of a lovely daughter such as yourself. Sending you a big hug

[Lilyloo]

Adria,  Thank you. You are so kind!  I'm sorry you have the same sadness. It's so true, we need our mothers  no matter what age.  Everyone tells me ignore her. I do most times, but years of her not replying when I tell her I'm not well just made me so angry. I've done some crying and wondering why. Yes, you are spot on that she is broken.  Our mothers are very mentally disturbed

I'm going now to watch the video. Blessings and Thanks again for your kindness

[moglow]

Lilyloo, I'm sorry you've not been well and that she's not able to offer simple support and compassion. I mean, you're not asking or expecting anyone to fix it, just let you know that they empathize and wish you well. Is that really so hard??

I've had to really work at the acceptance that mommie dearest is just not that kind of mother - and to somehow depersonalize her whole mindset. Md gave birth and got us through high school somehow, and for her I suppose that's plenty and warrants our undying devotion. Well ya know what? It doesn't. She's still a mother and from this viewpoint did the bare minimum while we tried to figure it out on our own. The depersonalization is HARD. I mean, we all have/had expectations of parents in general and even if we don't have children of our own [like me] I've been around enough to know what that's supposed to look like. I know something critical is missing there. At the same time, I've had to take a large step back and see that whole picture, that compassion just isn't part of her on any level, with anyone. With that, I understand it's not personal with her - and still, how can it NOT be??

My sibs and I have all had some pretty hard struggles, some she knows and others we somehow had sense enough to not share with her. To what purpose, really? This is the same woman when we were kids with those nasty cough up a lung colds, would snarl at us late at night to "stop that barking" as if it were all being done to inconvenience and disrupt her sleep! At best she'd try to force cough drops on us [no thought that kids could aspirate that?!!] and we learned to hide any signs of illness or pain.

Late last summer I was pretty sick with a bad flu, I mean laid out flat for a couple of weeks and sicker than I can remember being in many years. As far as I know md wasn't aware until after the fact but even then, did she ask if I'm okay? Did she commiserate, show any sign of concern? Nada. She launched right into asking what we were doing in our office for covid precautions, of all things. I'd not spoken with her in MONTHS and that's where she went?? Noted - and I learned to lock down a little tighter.

So that's my takeaway for you, Lilyloo - lock it down. Remind yourself that your stuff is not hers, and vice versa. Remember to turn to people you can actually depend on, who have minds that think and hearts that beat and arms that hug when we'll allow it. Our mothers ... aren't those people.

[Lilyloo]

Moglow, Thank you!  Such great advice! Depersonalize  is truly what I must work on.  My daughter tells me the same thing, that my mother cannot have compassion for anyone.  I am so sorry that you and your siblings   had to hide your pain and illness   That is just so sad  to be afraid to cough because it would disrupt her sleep, oh how sad that is. 

I'm thinking I'm not putting anymore into this one sided relationship.   Locking it down! I love everything you said and your kindness  is wonderful.  They aren't or never will be mothers..  it's the accepting that's hard.  I'm going to keep on working on this.

Very sad also your md could not even mention your terrible illness with the flu.  You're doing well accepting that they just don't have it in them.  Still it's very sad what you've been through.