I can’t believe I’m even posting about my beautiful 6 year relationship.

[Luka]

Hi Everyone. This is my first post and I'll try to make it short and factual. I can't believe I'm even posting about my relationship that I've been in for 6 years now, married almost 1 year. I have always considered this to be my healthiest relationship ever....after 2 previous marriages with physical abusers, and cutting my own toxic mother out of my life 5 years ago. Now I feel like I'm waking up after being completely naive for the past 6 years or maybe something has just drastically changed. Maybe it's me?
I have 3 biological children ages 11-19 and my husband has a 23 ur old daughter. We've been married a little less than a year after living together for 5.
I can only count on one hand the number of issues I have had with our relationship...this last one being the reason for my possible 'awakening'.
Long story short my oldest child, my baby graduated high school 2 weeks ago which was a very emotional time for me. He is my baby and I have a crazy bond with my children. I have made them my life from the day I became a mother. On top of all the emotions tied in with graduation, my mother whom I haven't had contact with in 5 years travelled to be at the graduation and I was also sorting through all kinds of emotions there too.
My husband decided the week before graduation to get angry over something my son did and turn the entire week into him seething, sulking, complaining, and yelling about what my son did. (Yes my son was wrong he threw a log into our fire pit that he knew my husband had saved as a decorative log).
I told my husband that I was also upset but I couldn't deal with this right now I need this time to focus on the graduation. At any rate that never happened the entire week was ruined and my son has barely spent any time at our house since. There is now a huge wedge between us, and while my son was wrong I blame this wedge on my husband and feel he put it there on purpose..
Since this event I have started giving deeper thought to our relationship and I don't even know how to explain this...but there are A LOT of things I'm unhappy with in the relationship but he love bombs me so much and occupies so much of my time that I literally never get to complete my own thoughts! I know it sounds crazy but I'm only now realizing that our relationship is actually really messed up!!
I surfed around a bit today and it seems that a lot of the things I find annoying about him are actually narcissistic behaviors???
Dumb stuff like following me everywhere. If I run to the store for milk he comes...if I go upstairs to the bathroom he follows me upstairs and waits for me....if I'm cooking in the kitchen he always stands in my way. Stuff like that....I thought it just meant he loved being near me and had an unhealthy attachment?
He quit his job to work from home during Covid and while I wasn't thrilled with the idea I support him so I didn't try to discourage his decision, but now I feel as though he made it so that he could make sure I am focusing ALL of my attention ALL the time to him!
He seems very jealous of the time I give to our children....his own daughter included.
He always takes me on lavish vacations. We used to go alone together 2-3 times a year and then take the children 2-3 times a year. Now for the past year we've been several times without the kids and now that summer is here I want to take all the kids to the beach and he's saying that we need 'us' time without them. I love time with just him but we just came off a big romantic trip together and now I want to do stuff with the kids!! And I can't tell him that because if I do he will sulk and carry on. He will go from sulking to screaming and just make everyone uncomfortable who is in the home.
He is exhausting. He demands all of my attention. I know this sounds dramatic but I'm not dramatizing at all....I cannot complete a single thought through out the course of the day because he says I love you like 97 million times an hour.
Lol....I can't believe I'm complaining about that but it doesn't even seem genuine. I'm starting to feel like he just wants to infiltrate my every thought every second of the day.
He has never really done anything horrible to me and we are actually very compatible except one time I caught him lying and he made me feel crazy....told me I was crazy....when the proof was in my hand. (It was about porn) Anyway....I forgave that because I know it's embarrassing and he didn't want to make me feel unattractive....I get it. It was the days of lying that made me mad. Well he ended up having a medical emergency that same week so the topic kind of got dropped before it was ever resolved.
Another issue that is completely out of hand since he's been working from home......he talks non stop, and knows it all, and is constantly trying to one up people with all of his knowledge.
Like I notice the kids don't even talk at all around him anymore because it turns into a 45 minute lecture. He also talks over me constantly so I basically don't even talk around him anymore.
It's just crazy because like I said we are so compatible....but now I'm feeling like I've been love bombed to death and refused to look at red flags, maybe?
I want to work this out. How do I bring it up to him? I hate bringing up conflict he does not take criticism well. He will yell and stomp around for weeks until I give in because I don't want the kids living in a volatile environment. .....and I think he knows it.
Any tips please????

[hhaw]

Good Lord, Luka:

I think you've answered all your questions in that very informative post. I read so much clarity in your words..... you KNOW your h will sulk then scream and he won't stop until he gets his way, bc HIS way is his priority.  He doens't put your needs or the adult chldrens' needs on the list, even though all that love bombing confuses the issue.... it APPEARS he's devoted, focused on honoring and expressing his love for you, but he's not expressing love.  YOU care about your h's needs and wellbeing.  Why doesn't he care about you or the childrnen's?  THAT's a very clear message, IMO.

Your h is expressing enmeshment and codependence and control over you and the household as the THING he's invested in sustaining..... the porn situation showed you how he handles discussions where he's held accountable... he dodges like a child and can't see how damaging it is.  He has  blind spots you likely can't fix, IME. 

When you wrote he ruined ds' graduation over a decorative log I had deja vu.... my first unpd xh ruined a Christmas over a 20.00 Christmas angel tree topper I purchased with money I earned.  To ruin the entire holdiday, bc he felt he had the right to approve or dissaprove of a purchase I made with my own money...... just impossible to ignore.  He was working hard to break me down and make me feel crazy... he threatened to have me committed to an insane asylum at one point and I pictured what having children with such a disordered petty man would BE like.  I got out once I figured it out and he stopped screaming at me every morning... admiitted he'd been wrong and asked for my "help."  He said his heart "was breaing."

My response?
"Welcome to the party, pal."  My heart had been breaking for months and, if I'm honest, his behavior became problematic once we were engaged.  I was so confused and overwhelmed I didn't understand what I was SEEING.... I tried to break off the engagement, but he guilted me into staying and his behavior got worse the week we married.... it escalated from there with little moments of joy, but they dissapeared within months of our marriage.  When he looked at me... he saw something or someone else...... there was no reason to speak to me the way he did, or explode the way he did or threaten to hurt me, but claim he was too "smart" to do that.  It made no sense and the time I spent trying to figure it out was agonizing.  Once I laid it down, accepted I could NEVER figure out his disordered behavior and filed that divore I got very strong and very sure about who I was and what I wanted and didn't want.  My h stopped yelling every morning and began tip toeing around the house instead......
you see... there was some part of me who bought into his narrative an believed he was right.  No one can control us that way IF we're not buying into their narrative in some way, Luka.


If I had ot do it over again, I'd tell my unpdx his behavior was unacceptable and I would know he didn't want to be married any longer IF he did anything like that again.  He'd either control himself, bc he valued the marriage OR he'd fail and I'd file the next day.  Truly..... it would have been that simple and I wouldn't have been as kind as I was, to my detriment, until he pushed me to a place where I put healthy boundaries up...... to think I used to feel having healthy boundaries was mean and made me a bad person.  How do you feel about healthy boundaries, Luka?  Likely you weren;t raised to have them...likely you were raised to NOT have them and to think of them as being "selfish."  Not sure, just throwing it out there for your consideration.

That said, toxic peoples, should your husband BE a toxic person, respond very poorly to being left and do everything in their power to trap, sabotage and otherwise control a spouse threatening to leave...... it's insane the amount of energy they put into controlling bc they can't just do the approprpriate thing and be a reasonable human who takes responsibility, apologizes and changes their ways.  Most of us divorce disordered people the hard way, but I want you to know you have choices...before yuo say anytihng to your husband.... you have choices you don't know you have, likely.

So, I'm saying telling your h you're thinking of leaving him might mire you more deeply into beingor feeling trapped before you realize he's trapped you in ways you can't fathom.  Maybe you aren't trapped, I can't know from here, but often trapped by finances, by false allegations, by physical threat to self, you or the children...... by escalating dangerous behaviors you didn't see coming and won't understand bc it makes zero sense.  Some disordered people have a scorched eart policy and some do not.  Since your h likely has divorced before, without too much trouble, he's likely not the scortched earth type, but your gut will tell you, along with his past behavior toward other exes.... what you likely need to know.

I say trust your gut and honor your experience.  YOU know what's going on and your husband has already shown you his coping strategy for dealing with difficult things is to gaslight and make you feel crazy...... to weaken you and I believe he'd bring you to your knees before he ever admitted to ANYTHING you explain in an effort to problem solve an stregthen your marriage.
That;s toxic behavior, IME.

My experience is....
one loses everything  the first time one makes excuses for poor and disordered behavior from a potential life partner.....that very first excuse, that very first story we tell ourselvs to explain it away.... we give ourselvs away and enable the PD, which is a hole'nuther can of worms since there may come a day where you feel enabling your husband to behave this way is your fault.  You're not wrong, btw.  Our inabiliity to call them on their small transgressions leads to larger transgressions and that's a strategy they may or may not be aware of, but it's a very frustrating and upsetting reality to live, IME.  You're stoic and so very nice.  He's doting and so very explosive and pouty..... trauma bond, yup yup yup.  Look it up on the Forum's TOOL BOX.

What if you'd stood up to him the very first time h crossed a boundary?  Likely he would have been good enough, long enough to get married THEN go back to beign what and who he is, if he's as disordered as he seems in your post.  Would you ever have required he explain what he did, apologize then change that behavior or else? Or else you'd break off the relatiionship?  Stop seeing him seriously?  Putting boundaries in place, stating consequences then following through with consequences without hestitation is a life skill and makes most of the people on this board very uncomfortable... or it used to.  It's sort of a theme here.

You must feel so conficted and I'm sorry about that.  It's easy to become connfused when we don't want to know a terrifying hard truth and this kind of truth is difficult to hold without going in and out of focus, IME.

I hope you can find a good trauma informed T to work through this.  Before you bring it up to the husband.... you might not have such a difficult time figuring out what you want to do once a good Therapist is validating and helping you accept what's really there. 

I know a silent house where children have gone silent around the largest member of the household who;s prone to having tantrums or worse when thwarted..... would be an untenable situation for most people, esp if their children were beign driven from the house seemingly on purpose.  And I think you said you believe your h's intentions were to ruin the gratuation and drive your son away...... and H succeeded in that.

A one year marriage won't be too difficult to end IF you cover yourself and get ahead of it....if your h is unable to be logical, compassionate and care about your wellbeing, along with his own.  You're THOSE things in this marriage.... it's fair and good and approrpriate to require that for yourself without guilt or shame, Luka.  Truly.... you're entitled to those things if you aren't getting them.

Any "discussions" you have with your dh should be based on improving the situation and not include any whisper of leaving, bc sabotage is a PD's best friend and first instinct, IME.  It expands legal issues, adds time, trouble and expense to an already difficult process, so think about journaling (so h can't read it, of course) and finding a therapist..... if that's something you're open to.  A trauma informed Therapist is different than the others, IME.... EMDR and memory reconsolidations should be a part of their treatment plan.

I know you're conflicted about what this would mean in your life.  You planned to spend your life with this man....children grown and out of the nest..... THIS is what you chose and this is what you committed to.  But DID you commit to being someone's completely controlled enabler......
please look up the terms TRAUMA BOND and Narcissist.  If everyone in your house knows better than to speak to your husband.... it;s likely evereyone is trauma bonded to him, more  or less. 

Your h has been good enough, long enough, he's comfortable controlling the household through emotional outbursts and he KNOWS you have an aversion to conflict so.... it's working for him. He barks and you give in.  It's a terrible thing to realize you're in a disordered relationship wtih an immature bully who's unable to take any responsibility and would rather drive you insane than apologize. It's extreme and somethimes we have to learn the hard, long and very traumatizing way. Most every poster on this board learne the hard way, L.

I've seen posters peg that reality down quickly, do what needed to be done with economy of motion, avoid chaos and.... that poster actually decided to remain married to his wife, bc they shared young children and he felt he could handle the situation.

What reasons do you have to for staying in a marriage where your h doesn't register what's good for you or the children?  His motives are about controlling and blaming so he can escape consequences for his actions, even when caught red handed.  HIS priority is maintaining an increasing strangle hold on you and the household..... I think you're a bit in shock over the decorative log and ruined gratuation, still...... if you could see it with clarity....if you could slip into observer mode and SEE it with some perspective..... you'd KNOW what you're seeing. 

Maybe pretend a friend came to you... or your daughter and told this same story to you.  What advice would you give to her?  What do you think about that friend or child experiencing that treatment... their children experiencing that kind of treatment?

It's unlikely your H will change his stripes at this age, IME.  It's likely his past behaviors are indicative of his future choices and he picks himself at the expense of everyone in his life..... and one year in this marriage his choice is to ruin what should be a joyful gratuation experience for you and your children...... your youngest son's important mile marker tainted for no good reason,  but your h made a chioce to die on that hill, ruin that occasion and steadfastly blame someone else for his irrational decisions..... it makes no sense, L.  It will never make any sense, btw, bc it's disordered behavior.

Eventually it's likely you'll realize you never had control over your h's actions.  You can only control what YOU do.  Eventually your h will escalate and get more and more irrational in his accusations and desire to control your every word, and act... to everywhere you go and have you rocked back on your heels making excuses and lying just to get a moment to yourself, bc he'll posture as a victim and accuse you of hiding things.... accuse you of having reasons for wanting something all your own or for trying to see your children without him, etc.   IF YOU MAKE EXCUSES and argue about your right to be an adult with a right to privacy, boundaries and fair treatment..... you gain nothing, IME.  It's a waste of time an disordered people want to engage in such crazy making discussions.  They want you to want their understanding and approval.  You might feel obligated to get it or committed to make them understand, but that's just your codependence talking... your need for your h to BE OK, for you to be OK.  You're going to be OK no matter what.  You don't need anyone to be OK for you to be OK.  Look up codependence and see if it doesn't ring a bell.  It might not, but then it might.

A likely reason your H is so controlling is bc he has a fear of abandonement from his childhood and never developed healthy coping strategies or bond with his parents..... it;s nothing to do with you, no matter WHAT it is, IME.  That's not something you can fix and it's unlikely something your h will want to address and fix for himself. It's easier to blame you, make you feel guilty and obligate an ashamed for questioning a man who love bombs you with such vigor..... consistently so you can't finish a sentence for yourself, go to the store for yourself or move freely around a room without him being under foot.

I have compassion for your h, I do.  You can have compassion for him without extending  "idiot compassion" where you allow your boundaries to be crossed and dishonored without challenging it. 

it looks like you're thinking about challenging this unhealthy way of relating with your husband...... and I can tell you he might cry, he might seem shocked you;d question him about his love for you..... OF COURSE he wants to spend every waking moment with you, he does EVERY THING FOR YOU, bc he loves you and that's how he shows it yada yada.  The tears.... how can someone who's so very nice, as you are, ignore those tears and continue holding the person crying accountable when they can't even speak they're so "hurt" by your words.

Except your words are truth and you chose them carefully to improve your relationship, get your needs met and be a supportive partner, which is what you signed up for.  A healthy person WOULD listen to you, maybe take a minute to consider your words, but they'd hear them and address them.... they'd WANT you to get your needs met, feel loved and be happy...honored, respected and autonomous. You're an adult.  You don't need a handholding babysitter telling you he's hovering and controlling you bc that's his definition of love, which likely it IS, but yu know it's not healthy.   That kind of control leads to more control and it won't get easier the longer you're married, IME. 

Your h likely won't give up an inch of the control he's already taken..... but please understand.... he doesn't really have control over you.... none you don't allow, IMO.  Any story you tell yourself about HAVING to put up with this treatment is likely a belief system you hold that needs to be examine and challenged, IME. 

Am I repeating myself?

BTW, I don't believe your H behaves this way on purpose, btw.  I think he's doing what he did as a child in order to get his needs met and those coping strategies no longer serve him in his adult relationships.  H's fear puts a strangle hold on healthy connection.  You know it.  You're living it.

Any threat to N's loss perceived control will likely create more fear and that typically leads to more extreme efforts to control, but you'v'e seen it first hand. 

Your h has shown you who he is and I hope you find the courage to believe him and accept that truth, whatever it is.

It's OK if he's not the person you thought he was.  You still have YOU and you're everyhing you need.  You sound lovely and likely to find another relationship if this one doesn't work out.  Its Ok.  It's all OK, even if it's not OK. 

I want to leave this post with this.....
if your h is this controlling after a year of marriage.... what do you think he'll be like in 2, 5 or 10 years?  How do you feel this will effect your relationships with our adult children?

You don't have to get your h's approval or understanding around this, bc it's likely he'll never give it to you unless he pretends to understand then goes back to old behaviors,. but worse, IME.

Take everything with a grain of salt... I can't know anytihng for sure, but I recognize things in your post...things very familiar to my experiences in my first marriage. 

They say we choose relationships presenting old conflicts from our chldhoods.... so we can solve them, finally,. but that;s just old trauma superimposed over our reality like a template...... not what's really in front of us.  They also say we're where we want to be.  Sometimes we're in our own way.... and we don't realize it.  I sure was. 

Once we're aware, once we SEE what we're doing and what our spouse is doing..... once we're aware and able to accept without resisting that truth.... we have more choice and the ability to resolve whatever trauma behind our belief systems to process and resolve them.... usually  with a good therapist so we stop repeating our struggles.

Can you think of something from your childhood that's familiar to you in your marriage?  Maybe a conflict with one of your parents?

You're smart and a great mother.... you seem more than worthy of reciprocal relationship and emotional safety...... for Pete;s sake..... you're worthy of your own protection and self compassion, Luke.  We all are.

Honor your experiences, honor your intuition and do some research around healthy boundaries if you aren't well acquainted with them.  The TOOLBOX on this forum has lots of great information and knowledge is power.

Don't let your h make you feel cornered or trapped or unable to set and hold boundaries bc you're afraid of his reaction. 

You aren't at the mercy of anything or anyone.  You have agency and you're responsible for saving yourself.  You're a grown woman. 

By now, you know you can't save anyone else from themselves.

Good luck to you and congrats to your son: )