Trying to leave

[Nonamenoshame]

Hello all,
I'm new here to this forum, I wasn't sure how to create a post and I'll start by thanking escapingman for replying to a message and giving me some instruction.

I think this will likely be a long post, and if that's not your thing I understand and have no issue with whoever decides to scroll by. The main take I got from reading some posts on here is, "phew" it's not just me. I'm sure you may all at stages doubted your experience and views on living or dealing with someone like this. I'm not sure about the abbreviations used here but I'm guessing that NDPDW would be non diagnosed personality disorder wife. So I'll go with that in regards to my situation here.

So today is Father's Day. I am on my way to work and most years due to the nature of my job I work on this day. Some years I take off if I can afford it. So yesterday was a day my self and the family celebrated the day. For the most part it was nice, if not brimming a little with anxiety over how it may go. In the end the day held up, right until around 10:30. More of that to come.

So my story begins about 16 years ago, going onto an online dating site, in their infancy then for sure and looking for a bit of fun. Where I live now is not the same country I'm from. I live in the USA now, I'm from an English speaking country in Europe. Let's face it there's a handful on the western edge and it's one of those.

I spread my search wide thinking that it could be quite fun to meet someone from overseas and have a visit and if nothing else make connections. I was in my 20's and I suppose a bit bored. I had a good job and was doing ok. I'd been in my last real relationship about 3 or 4 years before and as much I loved her, there were influences around us that didn't help. So sadly it ended. I took the time after just getting myself over it and felt ready to look again at this stage.

I found my NDPDW online, she was pretty, fun and up for adventure. As we began to get to know each other over emails and calls and early days video chats it became apparent that maybe we should meet up. So after a few months the choice was made for her to come visit for a few days the week after Christmas and that I would go back with her to visit there for a week.

As time moved along we seemed to really gel. Parcels sent back and forth etc. When she arrived the anticipation was huge. We hit it off in every area and naively enough we or i thought this was the one. The level of affection and care seemed amazing to me. So hurriedly we decided to get married. My fault I should have waited. Now at this stage all is well. Then we begin the process of applying for visas etc and planning. For many years I'd wanted to live in America but to be honest by the age I was then I was less sure. In the beginning she had been open to having the wedding in Ireland but I was a worried that down the line it could create issues if we decided to live in America so we set the date for America. The planning was difficult due to rules being changed legally mid build up. However a route was found and we could carry on.

So here we are married, now the choice of where to live comes up. I'm prepared to go to her but I'm  uncertain as to how things work in the states is very different to where I'm from. It all seemed a bit intense. A lot more expensive. The health insurance issue etc. though I have no health concerns. Added into the mix was I really going to leave everything and everyone behind? My job etc. still was it fair to ask her to do the same? I had asked after all. She had offered to come to me but it felt like nahhh I don't think she really wants to. So off I went.

Now I won't go into every detail of how things unraveled. There were many reasons for this not working as it would, could or should have. After 16 years and two kids later I have come to understand that I am for the most part patient but also avoidant of confrontation with her. My personality is very mellow, I'm usually jovial in nature and love my kids and friends and family. So when things get heated with her it doesn't sit well with me. I've tried many times down the years to appease her, to give her despite how much it feels wrong to me what she needs or wants in those times.  The underlying factor for her she says is physical intimacy. Truth be told that desire left me long ago for her. The main reason? Not feeling secure in speaking my own mind without it being hijacked and turned into a 40 minute monologue about how I don't deliver. Over the last couple of years I've told her I can't fulfill her in that way. She says I'm not trying to. I tell her I care and have love but it's not romantic, she says either I don't care and don't love her, she doesn't want a friendship as we were never that way. Fair enough.

Ultimately it came to a head last year, and in January I went home, and after returning here to America I moved out for about 3 months. It was difficult, I stayed with family but although they don't live hundreds of miles away it's a long enough commute to the kids. I would stay on my days off and return to begin my work week at my cousins. In this time I felt bad but also such relief, such peace. I was afraid of what May be happening regards the kids. She would tell me they weren't happy and I was losing them. On two occasions I spoke with them to reassure them and they seemed fine. But she would bring urban it up often and it was hard. I told her the only reason I had stayed was for them, that in Itself may have been a mistake because she's well aware they are my weakness. She uses it all the time. If I go I will hurt them, cause them suffering. It doesn't help my eldest has some issues herself (I'm afraid it could be similar to their mother). I'm missing things here I know. So many instances of belittling, bullying and emotional torture. When the choice was made for me to step aside she took it upon herself to inform my mother through a text that I was leaving. Thankfully my mother is aware of things and has seen her behavior for herself and handles it well.

I asked her how can she feel connected to someone through intimate actions when they're telling you they don't feel that. They can't perform, that is not something they want? The answer is never really the same. It ranges from it makes her feel safe to it just satisfies her need. When I told her I feel coerced she lost her mind. Went into rage mode. Then came back and said I needed to see it her way this is important to her and if I care I need to meet her half way. Again I'm a bit scattered here and my timeline may read all over the place.

When I stepped out in January she had asked me in April to make a choice. Coke back or stay out. We both have our own therapy session and my own therapist has been good and her own I believe is trying to help her. I told mine I just wanted to be done I felt too much damage has been done, I know I've had a hand to play in it but I don't love her and I can't see myself staying with her and it being a healthy situation. So I told my spouse I'm out: you can imagine how that went. And somehow, I'm back in and have been for 4 weeks now. The only good thing is the kids.

I've been accused of perhaps having an affair with our last couples therapist because the sessions went from trying to repair to safely end. The last session ended with her freaking out crying shouting and telling me I had to leave that day she couldn't be around me. The therapist said no; take space from each other and I was to make sure I was there in that time to suppose the kids. This is likely where the affair idea came about. Every other female is a threat by her own admission. 8 years ago i entered into an emotional affair with a friend from way back. She found out and I regret it all, I know why it happened, experience of genuine care and affection without the expectation of anything in return was a amazing feeling. So this and any other female I've been or am close to is used against me. It makes going anywhere torture, probably for both of us. What she doesn't say is how she would tell me she was in love with her boss about 10 years ago when we would be having these arguments. She told me that her last relationship broke up about 6 months before we began contact but the truth is she was still debating getting back with him up to a couple weeks before I sent her a message. It may seem silly but I think 4 years as opposed to a couple weeks makes a huge difference when embarking on a new relationship.

She uses the word abandon all the time when talk  leaving arises, her, the kids. Calls me callous, mean, I hate her, says her self esteem is awful. We go from 0-90 mood wise in an instant. Telling me she loves me, or I like you playfully, if the response isn't similar or the tone not right it's a good chance we're off and running. I've been in a car with her on two occasions where i had to stop driving due to the meltdown beside me. Screaming, crying, at one time unbuckled and on her back legs in the air having a panic attack and raging at me. Feeling responsible for all of it, knowing I've not acted in the right beau all the time but knowing, knowing I'm not the monster she says I am but having her say it and cry and escalate around the kids is just so hard to take. Although she has never been diagnosed my own therapist has said it appears she has a PD, she and her own therapist had permission to speak with our previous couples one. She told me (she likes to tell all about her therapy and gets upset when i won't) her therapist is helping her deal with cognitive distortions, fatal fallacy, self esteem and I believe she said she's working on her root abandonment issues. I know what they are but I'm not sold on this being done at therapy. I hope it is. I spoke to a friend who is in the field and they said that it's likely the therapist is aware and is treating her a PD but has noticed that telling her that may cause her to not return. I can understand that. Our couples person had offered to see us individually to clear up the issues off the last visit together, she didn't want to and was explicit in telling me she did not want my to.
I've had her fake call the cops recently during a disagreement whilst she was drinking, numerous mentions of feeling suicidal. All of this and many many other incidents down the years, some directed at my eldest and I know she bears the brunt of that situation, my eldest is not easy. That and the fact I feel completely trapped and beaten make day to days I hard. When I left it felt liberating now I'm back I feel weak and fragile. If it wasn't for the kids and what she may say or do I'd be long gone. Just when I thought I was out, she pulled me back in.

Anyway, I apologize for the lengthy post. There are other things I could put in that may be better examples. But I think everyone knows the story already.  I just wish she would find someone else and move on, but that's a hot torch to pass.

[escapingman]

Welcome Nonamenoshame, I am very sorry you are experience this. Your situation sounds very much like mine was and very much in your story is very similar. I am also from a different country, have no family around and was duped into marrying quick. If you haven't already, I urge you to start recording and writing down what is going on. You need evidence, and a lot of it. The only reason I have managed to get where I am is because of evidence and using it in the legal system. If you have followed my story you know, if not please ready my threads as I have gone through what it looks you are going to as well (although in a different country).

I will follow you and wish you good luck. I am only 3 weeks out with no contact, but I am already feeling so much better. There is a light in the end of the tunnel for all of us.

[Nonamenoshame]

Thank you for your kind reply. I will make a point of going back through your posts. Divorcing is something she seems to feel is a threat to me yet she clearly does not want to go that route. Financially everything is on me and I have no money for lawyers where as she has family that can help her with that. Anyway that's a few steps away right now I'm just trying to find the wherewithal to leave again and stay gone from her. Again the kids are my biggest reason for not going. Though it could be doing more damage in long run

[escapingman]

Thank you for your kind reply. I will make a point of going back through your posts. Divorcing is something she seems to feel is a threat to me yet she clearly does not want to go that route. Financially everything is on me and I have no money for lawyers where as she has family that can help her with that. Anyway that's a few steps away right now I'm just trying to find the wherewithal to leave again and stay gone from her. Again the kids are my biggest reason for not going. Though it could be doing more damage in long run

I got to the point where I didn't care about what she did anymore, she tried and tried to bait me and in the end she found the one and only thing she could use....... the children. Be careful, she might do the same and that is a fight that is hard to fight. At the moment my GC (her Golden Child) is completely turned against me and refuse any contact. uNPDx (undiagnosed narcissistic personality disordered ex) tried to turn SG (her scape goated child) against me but failed, which meant SG also got the brunt of her abuse.

As I said before, collect evidence. Can you manage to stay for a while and collect enough evidence to use in court? If so, do it. I did this for 2 years and got a solid journal and voice recording colelction.

[Nonamenoshame]

Thank you for the advice. It's quite uncanny today she told me my eldest daughter hates me for leaving earlier in the year and has no respect for me, and my youngest is upset with me and not comfortable around me. A very big discussion at work over the phone and again mostly one way. I have told her over and over I will work with her however I can for the kids sake but she holds it over me and now I believe she's bringing in down and prepared to fully use it. I feel like much of this sounds like me being whiny and not supportive but it's so hard to explain how things are and have been. She says she is getting messages from two people who I'm either having an affair with or know that I am. When I said let's go to the police she lost her cool and got triggered into a massive meltdown and said she didn't want to be I trouble she just wanted peace. I and my therapist when I told them questioned why she would be in trouble? It feels like every week that goes by the stakes get higher and I'm dreading going back there after work

[escapingman]

Please read through the toolbox and especially about Medium Chill and no JADE. There is NO point in you trying to have a discussion with her, she has a PD and you might as well try to discuss with a 2 year old. It's not until you realise she isn't who you thought she was you can start moving on. She has to win any discussion you have, it doesn't matter if you discuss your children or who took out the thrash. It's of the same importance for the PD, they got to win.

[Nonamenoshame]

Thank you. I have been going through much of what's on here. There's an amazing amount of good advice and info. I feel that breaking point coming and feel more confident going ahead with so much of what I've already seen on here