What happens when you don't take bait? GR/MC?

[rockandhardplace]

Brief history. "together" 18 years, 3 kids. Before kids only 1 time big red flag I ignored. Few others with 20/20 hindsight and armed with what i know now. Moved to other side of the world, still not many issues until we bought our house, 2 kids I'm stay home mum, no family this side of world etc. The occasional confusing rages - like me redoing a carseat according to instructions, accusing me of never listening and lying about not hearing him say something. These now I see fall under - daring to question his superiority over how to do something and me on an up (the second rage happened after I'd got the all clear following cancer and was so happy). I learnt not to talk to him about things. Keep the peace. Let him make decisions - I'm pretty easy going anyways. For so many years I thought it was miscommunication and him being emotionally stunted (he'd actually admitted this early on). When I didn't abort our unplanned third things changed. Or the cycle became easier to see? Or with 3 there are just so many more things that come up that should be dealt with as a family? Anyways, things got worse and worse until I gave up pretending, brushing everything under the carpet etc. I think he just expected things would go back to "normal" but refused counselling or any attempts i made to try and figure things out.
Since then - like 3/4 years ago! - his abusive behaviour has become more obvious and more frequent. It's left me totally shattered honestly.
But back to the point before I rambled. I'm getting much more GR. Not always, but I'm getting better. And I'm getting better at not going for the bait. All the horrible comments, put downs, character attacks that he includes in every single email/text I've started to ignore unless it's absolutely necessary to address. I mentioned on here before that I was freaked out that in a crazy projection he accused me of being a sociopath and found google searches about how to trick hypocondriacs on a shared computer. He went mental about 2 weeks ago and again accused me again of being a sociopath. So now that I'm ignoring  his baits there are more searches like this. Either he is planting them as he realises I can see the search history or me not reacting to his baiting is some kind of evidence to him that I'm a sociopath??? What will be next when he really sees that I am done with this??

[notrightinthehead]

Oh there is no end to it.  I was told often that I am crazy, unfaithful, lazy,  and in the final stage I was told I am a lesbian and should be courageous and live my dream.  And he still had that power over me that I seriously thought about it for a while! By that time he had found a replacement for me and felt generous as well as an urge to get rid of me quickly.

I am so glad to read that you are getting better at grey rock and not taking the bait.  Focus on your goal. You want to finish your degree, be able to support yourself, and get out of there safely,  with your body and mind ready to begin healing. Start collecting evidence,  financial information, important documents like marriage certificate, birth certificates, open your own bank account if you can do so safely.  You might never need this but it will be reassuring to have when he rages or insults you. Focus on your own responses, not what he does. You can control your behaviour. You can attempt to keep a clear mind and make rational decisions. You can get better.  Come here to vent if you must, but keep your mind on your goal and your own well being.

[bat123]

Hi, Rock, I can relate.  I've been married to uNPD over 25 years, three kids.  Took me years to figure out the dynamic I was trapped in.  I always thought he was just difficult, or had anger issues.  I thought we were just a "passionate" couple and that maybe I could make changes to improve it.  Now, I fully understand that this is a pattern of narcissistic abuse.  Things can be good for days or even occasionally weeks at a time.  But out of nowhere he will explode at me, attack my character, question my motives, accuse me of lying, interrogate me over something, or throw something from the past in my face.  It's an ongoing cycle.  It never goes away.  But I've learned to control my own reactions, which helps.  I have let go of all expectations that I can change his mind about me during one of his episodes.  I've learned when necessary to just shrug my shoulders and accept how he feels.  I've also learned that I'm allowed to see situations from my own perspective.  I'm not required to see things the way he sees them, or try to convince him to see it my way.  If he wants to think something, no matter how crazy it is, that's on him.  Yes, at times I still take the bait and get sucked in, but over time it happens less and less.  His behavior hasn't improved, but mine has.  Now I'm just faced with hard questions for myself— is it worth it to stay in a relationship like this?  What am I getting out if it?  Is there enough "good" that it outweighs all the bad?  These are difficult questions.  But it's very freeing to realize that I'm in control of my own destiny.  It is up to me whether I stay or leave.   This group is a great source of support— know that you're not alone!

[bat123]

Rock, you may find this video by Dr. Ramani to be particularly relevant!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5VtTHFnkXk