Fear

[Breadroll]

After quite a few years free of xnpdh and pretty much no contact, generally at peace except for  attempts at triangulation- I still have a base level of fear if he comes to mind.
Obligation and guilt gone... but fear remains-.
It isn't something I dwell on -but does it ever go away? 

[Starboard Song]

I think for most folks, yes: it can go away.

Some folks experience a fear that could be expressed as a statement like this: "Sometimes I am afraid that he might __________." If you have that kind of fear you can process your way through such feelings with questions like "And how likely is that?" or "What's the worst thing that could happen, if he does?" or even "And how can you make that not really a problem?" For us, the "what's the worst that could happen?" questions very much upset me, but then I realized that, seen in the right perspective, that was a very good question to ask.

Generalized fear, like an anxiety or viligance, is harder to address I suspect. I think the hard medicine approach is to say that sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves. I'll say it: I am addicted to ruminating on smear attacks and encounters. It has been seven years, and I really have wasted far too many hours on it. But it is exciting. It makes my heart race. And in my head, about this, I am always right and know the right answers. It is more fun to think about my in-laws (as much as I claim to hate it) than to address professional challenges where maybe I have weaknesses, or don't know the right answer. In any case, consider challenging yourself to let go.

I hope others have better answers. But those are what worked for me.

[hhaw]

The fear and trauma you experienced has been locked into your Nervous System, Breadroll.


To process it, it helped me to find a trauma informed therapist with Buddhist leanings to teach me about my Nervous System, how trauma gets stuck bouncing around in traumatized brains and how one can calm the brain down in order to process that trauma (pretty easily.) 

Our brains process like a computer all day long.  Every day. Every minute.  Our brains want to process the traum, but need a chance..... but it takes our WHOLE brain to do that.   Specifically, our frontal cortex where logic, reason and creativeproblem solving happen. 

When one experiences trauma, that trauma gets locked into our fight or flight/reptilian/survival mode brain, bc access to frontal cortex brain is shut down in order to keep us alive.

An example of this..... if you've ever been walking on a trail and kick a stick that LOOKS like snake, then find yourself 15 feet up the trail before you realize you've moved. THAT's survival brain shutting down frontal cortex brain TO MOVE YOU OUT OF DANGER QUICKLY, bc frontal cortex might stop to ponder IF that stick is a stick or a snake...... and you might be bitten, in that case.

Survival brain wants to ACT.  It's a biochemial hijack and no one can think their way out of it, but one may trick the brain into calming down with slow, mindful breathing and focus on surroundings, sights, smells, colors, what one feels in their body, etc.

If one isn't calm enough to breathe themselves calmer....... that's survival brain NEEDING TO ACT.  In that case, it's been helpful to me to try pushing on doorjambs with everything I have..... trying to breathe calmly.... we can't be chased by a tiger IF our breathing is calm and regular.  That's the beauty of sneaking up, under our limbic system and cutting the wires to survial brain through breathe and action....mindfulness practice that makes sense to you is the right practice for you.

No one can tell you what will be most helpful in your case, Breadroll, but I do recommend a therpist doing their own work, so their ego is removed from the therapeutic process.... HUGE difference when I found a trauma informed therapist with Buddhist leanings.  Buddhism is about diminishing suffering and increasing joy in human beings.

Therapists practiing EMDR and memoray reconsolidation are more likely to help clients process and refile trauma into historic files,. where they no longer superimpose over their lives.....like a template..... like a filter that colors their lives with the past.

My experience is that once the trauma is worked through and refiled..... it's gone.  There might be nodes or other aspects of the trauma, not yet addressed,. but working it OUT of our Nervous Systems is necessary and possible, IME. 

When I was locked down in fear.... my life was very small and I understood I was in my own way......I just didn't understand how my Nervous System (NS) worked to keep me safe with fight/flight/freeze/fawn reactivity and how my Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) engaged to shut down my NS to integrate my entire brain so I could process trauma, which is something the brain does easily all the time when we give it the chance.

Once once identifies the fear and learns to sit with it and see what's beneath it..... then one does the work to process it.

There are pathways in the brain that are lightening fast.... covered in a white fat to MAKE them faster.  One may form new pathways, which takes time and practice..... not hard, but has to be practiced without judgment or expectation, IME.

The brain is very greedy with the white fat (myelin sheath) and will transfer it from old pathways to new pathways, which means GETTING new pathways started, up to speed as the new default pathways takes time and energy.  I've found relief and joy..... not just "feeling better" from the time I've invested in trauma therapy with a therapist I work well with.

Not all therapists are good therapists.  Not every good therapist will resonate with you and your journey.  You might find you'd rather do your work on your own, with research and practices you cobble together for yourself and it's all perfectly fine to make those personal choices for yourself. 

Suggestions I found helpful on day 1 of therapy:

Be super kind to myself.... extending tsunamis of self compassion when I could and getting back to it without judgement if I slipped.  It's all OK... even elder monks are still practicing their entire lives.

Drop all judgements and replace it with becoming very curious about exactly what's there..... behind the fear, the sadness, the pain and the reactivity.  Just.... know whatever is there..... belongs and is asking for attention.  Tend to it... don't be afraid.

Learn to accept what you can't change, BR.  Just..... let whatever it is.... BE and turn toward something else.  Radical acceptance is life altering and frees us to be present in THIS moment so we're not fearing the future or ruminating in the past.

If I'm anxious in my life, now, it's typically about something I'm resisting and wishing was different than it is.  I check it, breathe on it and stop  trying to change it.  Sometimes just noticing what's there is enough to process whatever is bothering me and it passes, for good.

You sound very capable.  I trust you can and will continue healing yourself if you're focused on it.

Good luck

[Breadroll]

Thank you so much starboard and hhaw- you thoughtful and well educated replies are like accelerated therapy!i sometimes think I have the hang of it- radical acceptance was something I worked on- only to find I slipped back.  Other difficult life events seem to send me backwards. Thankyou for the reminder on Self compassion , and on how the brain gets hooked.   Am very grateful for this site which has been enormously helpful.

[hhaw]

Breadroll:

Everyone slips back.  Most beat themselves up for it.  Everyone goes through the process of learning and putting new habits in place..... 2 steps forward, 1 step back... it's human and exactly the way it's supposed to happen.

When you notice you forget self compassion... THAT's the lesson. The noticing.  The ability to SEE choice.  The discernment between those choices and ability to make new ones.

Even if you become an old Monk.... you'll still be practicing, BR.... remembering to come back to yourself, particularly when FOO or difficult emotionally charged people are involved.

Adjust your expectations.....maybe drop them altogether so there's less judgment.  Just drop judgments altogether, as you can.

Get very curious about the times you fall backwards.... why...how did that happen?  You'll get information and grow through it instead of judge, beat yourself up and lose the lesson.

Maybe think of yourself as a young child..... and be compassionate to her.  The really injured bits of us ARE young children waiting for us to grow up, take full posession of our agency then keep US safe.

The young child belongs...and will always be with us, but she can learn it's OK to rest..... she can learn she's safe bc you're going to care for her... tend to her needs until those needs have been handled and are no more.

[1footouttadefog]

When I feel fear or anxiety when there is no direct stimuli or threat I try to examine the reasons in terms of triggers.

What circumstance, or stimuli am I relating to these negative emotions or trauma memories.

Sometimes I will just lie back and try to feel the fear and what external tripped off thoughts or feelings that led to it.  Once in a while I will make a connection.  Perhaps a group of events are all related to a certain place, smell, topic or conversation, or weakness or challenge that I have.

  Silly example.  I am a pretty talkative person reasonably outgoing.  Yet for many years I had terrible anxiety about making phone calls to conduct business.  Even after working in  sales and customer service myself there was much anxiety.  Finally I puzzled this out because bothered me so much that it made no logical sense to me. 

It clicked.  I had huge anxiety about writing papers in school.  Being dyslexic and still in type writer days where you had to retype the entire page again writing papers was shear hell.  I was always at tue brink of a in English

I had a couple of writing assignments where I called to request information from a nationally known business as a resource for a paper.  I think my brain made a connection. 

Once I got it and thought about it it was greatly reduced.  This is a trivial example but I think that other such connections can be made between stressors and memories and such. 

I have had friends who some amounts of childhood trauma and they would also make such connections and find a bit if healing took place along with it. 

[Boat Babe]

When I feel fear or anxiety when there is no direct stimuli or threat I try to examine the reasons in terms of triggers.

What circumstance, or stimuli am I relating to these negative emotions or trauma memories.

Sometimes I will just lie back and try to feel the fear and what external tripped off thoughts or feelings that led to it.  Once in a while I will make a connection.  Perhaps a group of events are all related to a certain place, smell, topic or conversation, or weakness or challenge that I have.

  Silly example.  I am a pretty talkative person reasonably outgoing.  Yet for many years I had terrible anxiety about making phone calls to conduct business.  Even after working in  sales and customer service myself there was much anxiety.  Finally I puzzled this out because bothered me so much that it made no logical sense to me. 

It clicked.  I had huge anxiety about writing papers in school.  Being dyslexic and still in type writer days where you had to retype the entire page again writing papers was shear hell.  I was always at tue brink of a in English

I had a couple of writing assignments where I called to request information from a nationally known business as a resource for a paper.  I think my brain made a connection. 

Once I got it and thought about it it was greatly reduced.  This is a trivial example but I think that other such connections can be made between stressors and memories and such. 

I have had friends who some amounts of childhood trauma and they would also make such connections and find a bit if healing took place along with it.

That's good intel right there. I kinda do this, following the difficult/painful feeling and seeing where it takes me. When you then have a lightbulb moment, it's great! It's the sitting with the discomfort that's the tricky trick. That's when the self compassion comes in and our support network.

Onwards and sideways!