Hi, New here and looking for advice..

[Junebug]

Ok so im new here & I'm not sure 100% what my situation is or if the guy in question has something so im hoping from others experience my story isn't too long and you can help me with if this is NPD..

So starting off I met this guy in January last year – we got along really well, enjoyed his company our chats were long when not together and I looked forward to seeing him. He would bring me little gifts, was nice, seemed laid back (he said he was himself), and we seemed to have a lot in common. Lockdown fell back in at one point but he would talk about things we would do, places we would do and he would remember I liked doing that etc. (I'll not right now none of it ever happened)
So a few months pass and I feel like he is pulling away – he hasn't showed up a couple times and I feel it is always me making plans – he says no, why would I think that? And he sees where im coming from tells me remember I was unwell etc he understands I want to know where I stand

This then continues he tells me a very personal detail about one of his friends on week and states this is why he cant see me and he has to go see his friend (I'll note here – he did not go see his friend) 
Another occasion occurs and he says is it me who wants to end it, ive brought it up in as many weeks now so ive obviously been thinking about it (this happens often he questions me asking but not his behaviour)
He then seems a bit short in messages again im like this has been months now it should be progressing not going backwards – he said yes it has been a while again gives reasons and says no he he is interested am I not too? And he enjoys our chats etc
I reitarite I do but if he doesn't he can tell me which he says no don't think silly thoughts – its things like that that will keep me awake at night

I will note during this time I start to notice contradictions too (too many to go into but as a basis – things we had in coming suddenly he doesn't like doing that / going there and he regularly makes nasty comments about his friends – calls them fake and annoying, they show off and they talk the game but you know its lies. He snipes about one of their relationships 'we'll see if it lasts' – he also makes some homophobic comments and regular slates the English where is sometimes down working and the people he works with. He got blacklisted from his previous job and hates the boss in this one.

It was also his mums 70th Birthday at one point (he still lives with her) and he said he wasn't going to her birthday dinner – couldn't be bothered, didn't want to. His sister had asked him to put in money too towards a cake etc and he refused as it was too much (it wasn't much esp considering he has no bills and lives there!) I asked him what he got her as a gift and he says 'cant remember' – this lack of effort for her seems odd to me and rude

On the above of no effort to his mum the seems to dislike women sometimes – whenever watching shows he seems to hate the female characters, wants them to die even if they aren't unlikeable characters .

He seemed close to his family when I first started chatting then states at one point when making excuses to me that 'I know his family don't talk'  - I had no idea he talks about them regularly and still lives with his mum dad and brother? (who he also insults a lot as time passes) – his brother sounds like he has a disorder from the way he chats but I cant be sure? – he never introduces me to any of them.

He also 'jokes' a lot about my appearance – my paleness, he also said after ive ate 'you ate that quick enough' and I was getting food with a friend one night and he states ANOTHER TAKEAWAY (kinda weird jokes – im a slim person).  He is over one night too and asks if I don't do the dishes as I go along because I had a dish in the sink – that's what he does (he is very like this I do this, I don't sleep in, I don't eat after 8 etc like he does no wrong) He said something strange one night I said was weird and he stated 'I'm very weird, you only know the surface' after saying he was an open book when we first started chatting – now apparently I only know the surface. He also jokes at one point 'what I agree with myself is agreed with us' when I don't agree to something and jokes 'I have to comply'. Theres a lot of 'what do I get out it' attitude too from him.

I had to get the morning after pill one time after seeing him and he mocked me repeatedly for it. He knows I over think too and regularly claims im overthinking about things.

Anyway this leads to he is working down south so cannot come – I am visiting a friend and I see his car... I had asked him previously how it was going and he was telling me the job had changed etc and how he would have rather been doing the other shift while he was down there.. I questioned him why did he lie about being at work? He stated 'I didn't' then said he had to come up he was going to ask to see me but his friend had called him and asked me to be his best man (trying to throw the convo off) I said no you definitely said you were down there just an hour or so ago – he said no it read wrong even though he said in words 'I'm in england' – I tell him I don't think he's been being honest with me I feel he has been using me and he states no its not like that and he wouldn't do that as he wouldn't want it done to himself. He then proceeds to tell me I read his message wrong – I say I didn't and he asks me is this going to keep continuing like this (as in me questioning him) and if things were going to carry on we'd be as well ending it.
I say I feel he's not honest with me he never answers any questions I ask then he finally says he doesn't know what he wants, I say why not tell me that from the start or any of the times id asked as id asked so many times. He just says fair enough I could have said, then says you don't say that in the beginning so I'm like so you lie? You have just been using me? He said 'well you know that's whats been happening so we should end this here' I get annoyed because Id asked him so many time he then retracts and said he wasn't meaning he wasn't using me he meant I know that's whats been happening as inhim cooling off and it just was that HE hadn't decided what he wanted it to be yet and he just got annoyed he doesn't want to end it he just doesn't like being called a liar.
I say he clearly did meant that and he says now its been mentioned its all im thinking about (again turning it on me) then he randomly messages me that he had a curry for dinner and it wasn't nice (like what?? How is this relevant)
I end it (and somehow struggle with it now sure why as I know he is a liar) 3 months pass and he crops up again messages asking Hi how are you? He wants to 'see' where things go – Im like no its just a friends with benefits thing to you he states 'kinda was' after denying it was that anytime I asked him before. He sounds weird in these messages I'll add – like he's trying different and doesn't sound like him even though it is. After I decline he snaps and says 'I don't want anything serious where I think you do' – ok rude (a year and a bit has passed at this point before he finally admits this) then he messages later asking for nudes like bye. He stills trys to text – he always has no matter how many times we have ended it he wants to text all day everyday – I find this odd? Why would you want to message someone constantly but not see them or when you aren't interested which he clearly isn't

I will note I also discovered and has two phones and also bought a new car and one point and still has the old one - who needs two cars and two phones?? Also not once has he ever apologised to me for any of this.

Theres more to the story but I don't want to drag on – basically is this guy a narcissist? And why do I miss him sometimes?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place. Check out the the personality disorders tab, the list of traits, that might help you to decide what you are dealing with.
You might also ask yourself why you would want to waste any more time on a person who treats you like that. He is lying, he puts you down, he does not treat you kindly or behaves as if he was interested in having a serious relationship with you. While you are investing emotional energy in him, you are not open to find someone who treats you well and who wants to be with you.  Maybe it's time you take care of yourself and give yourself the attention and love you have given him without getting much in return.

[Junebug]

Thank you for taking the time to read all that 

I checked it out, there does seem to be traits there I just keep doubting myself for some reason

I definitely don't want to waste anymore time, I don't know why I struggle being no contact. It doesn't sound it from what I've put up with but I am an intelligent person and I know what I have to do, I'm confused as to why it's not a relief to be rid of him and why I sometimes want to reach out - I don't know if it's a familiarity thing as I have anxiety and it takes a lot for me to get comfortable etc and I feel now I invested my time and energy that takes extra for me for it to get wasted  & I feel angry with it all too. I'm just struggling just now things will get better with time

[moglow]

All that back and forth and back and forth would exhaust me. A "diagnosis" wouldn't help one way or the other. He doesnt want a relationship or he'd have said so. The fact that you had to ask "many times" where it's going and what's going on ... all says no to me. Then he comes up with he doesn't know what he wants - he does know, he just doesnt want to be seen as the bad guy. He sounds immature  and irresponsible with people.

Like you, I like a definitive answer but still, you have to look at the behavior overall - lies, put downs and contradictions, mocking you over the morning after pill?? And seriously - a man with two phones is hiding something. Granted one could be a work phone but still.

I am curious - you didn't spend time at his parents house, around the family he lives with? Never met them? Odd.

As you said, YOU invested time snd energy and it's disappointing. You're not on the same page, havent been for a while if you had to keep asking. He was somewhere else entirely but at least now you know. Block his number and carry on. Anxiety or no, this guy isn't the one.

[Junebug]

It was very exhausting & rattled my anxiety up a lot,

You are very right it wouldn't matter either way, either way he's a liar - I'm just the kinda person that likes answers and didn't get any. Every time he said it wasn't like that or behaved differently after I asked I knew it was just false hope I guess I just ignored it cause I didn't want it to be. He is very immature he said himself he is 'young' for his age but it's beyond that he's childlike sometimes.

I know, what adult mocks someone over that, his phone was a 'spare' phone he took abroad with a foreign sim so his other didn't get damaged so he said but then he seemed to take it around with him when he was working away etc 

No, I started to suspect I wouldn't eventually - he'd said so much things about them I'm not sure we're even true

He lives a bit in a fantasy always going on about investments & winning the lottery and moving abroad etc & with all the contradictions I wonder if he was hiding away the people who know the real him

He asked about money often too, went on about lending his friends money & them not paying him back etc, I was looking at a new car at one point & he asked if I was going to buy it out or pay it up - odd question. Said things were too expensive a lot - all weird coming from a man with no bills considering he stays at home - he never had moved out either & is in his mid 30s now

But no absolutely not the one I'm just angry at it all, mainly myself I guess because I knew all along

Thank you for reading & replying my message 

[notrightinthehead]

...."But no absolutely not the one I'm just angry at it all, mainly myself I guess because I knew all along"....

That could be the starting point for you- find out what makes you ignore your inner voice. Find out what makes you doubt yourself. Find out what makes you stay with someone who treats you badly.  Do you know what you want from a relationship? Do you know what your definitely No traits are? Maybe you could invest some time in getting to know yourself better, your needs, your goals, and learn to respect your inner voice.  Maybe you need to take much more time to get to know someone before you get into a relationship with them?

[Junebug]

Yeah, I will

I had come out of a long term before this, hadn't been with anyone else in years, guess I forgot how to date and what to look for  then the thought of investing after all that again for it to crumple was upsetting and his behaviour was just so odd sometimes and instead of letting go I kept trying to understand him.

But yeah, now next time I'd definitely take more time to figure out what they are all about and hopefully catch the inconsistencies quicker if there are any