Low point

[foggydude]

I'm 20 months out of an abusive R. My ex , I suggest, showed very high BPD traits. Abandonment fears could happen at any moment resulting in demands, hysterics and violence. Yet I went back. Time and time again. I was drawn as the benefits were great ....amazing affection, common activities, lots of free time together, nice lovemaking etc. I thought she was my soulmate. Trying to change that misperception now as if she was, it wouldn't have been toxic.
Ive done very well going no low contact. She slowed her pace to get me back another time. When she wouldnt take responsibility for physicality, only 50%, I said no mas.
I desperately hoped she would reach out w an apology and a plan of action to address this, but no.
After talks broke down, wi 2 months, I heard she was getting married. I did not believe it
Now, 1 year later, it appears that is the case. Sadly a friend told me she was asked 3x to attend and declined. So did another, very close friend of my ex.
Just prior to learning this, the ex emailed me wanting to make things right with me by apologizing and she wanted to meet up. This, after I blocked her # and a friends. She also said she didnt see me at a dance event where we met and fell in love 3 years ago. I didnt go cuz I couldnt face her having not seen her in 20 months and not hearing from her what I wanted to so desperately.
I'm struggling with why she wants to meet. My guess is to keep me on the back burner in the event her marriage doesn't workout (she's never told me shes marrying...tho I dont respond to her typically).
Perhaps just for control and power over me. I'm not gonna do it, whats the point? W/o intimacy, I wont meet as I'm not going backwards....not taking a downgrade.
I feel bad for her new guy. I'm certain he has no idea she asked to meet up. She's not the type to sleep around. Power and control....thats my guess as to what she wants. Any other ideas?
I'm about as low as ive ever been. A 23 yr old son that lives w me does 0 and doesnt talk to me. Nor have I even been on a date since we broke up.

[falsebalance2]

I'm sorry you are feeling so low, Foggydude. You've come to a good place with lots of insight to gain.

Try to be very gentle on yourself.  If you can - find a way to be grateful you've now encountered a relationship like this - because I believe at least for myself and others who have confirmed to me - once you've survived it - you'll be wiser for it all.

That kind of pain and torment can open us up to healing from wounds we never knew we had.

Wish I had more...

Hang in there

[Ccube1234]

Low point-I am perhaps just as low.  I just joined today. How are you?
Around the time of your Post, I was contacted by my bpd ex. We had been apart for 16 months after dating for 5 years.
She came to visit June 1 and it was the best two weeks as you can imagine.  So good that she's moving back with me. She is 10 hours away. 
Well that plan changes everyday for the past 2 weeks. I've gotten her healthcare and a job and she still is pushing the date back. 
She says she needs to properly leave her moms house.  She's 44.  My fears are getting a hold of me because this exact scenario has played out on 2 other occasions with her.  I will add that everything she owns has been at my house since she left in Jan 2020. When she recently visited, she did not take anything home with her because she said she's returning for good.
Today was a bad day.  She told me she has hate towards me. 😳 Doesn't hate me, just hateful feelings.  When she was here 2 weeks ago we looked at engagement rings. 
I'm totally screwed.