DISCARD campaign started YEARS AGO?!!?

[falsebalance2]

I thought maybe I should post this to separating - but I think this is more appropriate as I'm still in observation mode.

I am throwing out anything sentimental. I can't afford it right now and I don't believe I'll ever want any of it again.

I've been used for over a decade of my life by this pd and there is nothing other than my children and wisdom I would like to bring forward into this new chapter.

However - while going through these things I found an old video I knew better than to trash.

We were at a museum attraction (my favorites that he would 'put up' with) while on trips. I would already feel indebted to him for even going into these quiet places with no supply for him and the focus being on OTHERS and their accomplishments....ahem....anyway...
This exhibit had a hidden camera and asked you to do something funny in front of a 'mirror.' Updh did the activity all by himself. He read the chart and gives a great display of his duper's delight grin - you can almost see him go 'I can do this. Easy."  He stands there trying to figure it out and can't.

Then i enter into the corner and I gently tap him and he ignores me and keeps reading. So I tap again. It pains me to watch my hunched shoulders and the careful tap. I have been so trained... He turns and his mask slips and he snarls and whatever I mention from another exhibit he rolls his eyes and goes back to reading. (really just me trying to connect as he runs through stores and museums away from me and insists I'm a freak for wanting to explore TOGETHER) Then he pulls his mask back together after the massive eye roll, makes a joke, flashes his smile and points to a different exhibit to get my attention there, then goes back on to the challenge in the mirror - now irritated that I'm standing there. Then as I turn and begin reading his challenge - he suddenly darts off into the rest of the museum, walking past the next few exhibits to rush away from me. I quickly do a glance and master the challenge within seconds - and then dart off to literally chase him down.

I remember this day. We were on an anniversary trip and I was desperately trying to get his love and affection and it still hadn't happened at this point four years in.

I took a video of the hidden camera footage - which we realized after walking through more of the museum. He was irritated and told me not to - but I DID.
Initially I thought it was hilarious that he stood there that long making funny faces. Then I noticed his disdain for me and asked him about it, showing him the recording on the way home. I was rather hurt. It took seeing it slowed down like this to realize what it was. It confirmed that sneaking suspicion I had that he hated me. He went on about how I follow him around and it is annoying how he wants to look at stuff but all I want to do is talk to him about it and that I think we should look at everything together and blah blah blah....Basically I'm annoying and he tolerates me. And because of my unhealed wounds - I stored this away as I was super annoying.

And I've analyzed this footage about 10 times today and decided this is one of those things worth keeping. A memento of why I WILL NOT GO BACK. All of the other faker-photos are dangerous because he is playing for the camera and while I am awake enough to see how false of a grin it is in most of the family photos - I worry a future self may use FOGGY goggles looking back and think I was being too critical or made it up somehow as he will tell me.

This video was when he was 'in control.' I was under his rule.

THEN my massive breakthrough happened TODAY!

According to updh - He fell out of love with me 8-9 years ago.

I couldn't understand that timeline fully, but now I do.

Updh is an identity thief(Same as my mother). He stole the identity of his laid-back surfer roomie from college (the intellectual and sensitive adventurous type).
Said roomie had moved away - and I fell in love with the persona he had hijacked. Then suddenly after marriage (entrapment) he had an 'epiphany' that this isn't who he is and he has NO idea where I got the wrong impression but he is really a jock/bully/user type. I was a bit horrified - but pulled myself up and decided "For better or for worse" meant I would love him for who he was and didn't fault him for losing himself and now regaining himself - though I was a bit disappointed. I thought the other guy would eventually come back.

We had gone on a trip and I had met his roommate about a year into our dating- but I was still so caught up in the illusion and his roommate had to work the majority of our trip and avoided him and idealized my updh (boyfriend at the time). I did instantly like room mate as just a human being. He is interesting and has a big heart. Updh had 'warned' me that his 'Ex Room-Mate, not 'best-friend' would flirt with me - so I think I wanted to prove my loyalty. (Read: I was manipulated easily).

Then we went on our second trip two years later - after his new revelation of being Mr. Football. (I feel it is helpful to add his room-mate played football and is athletic but he isn't the toxic-jock type....there is a difference). I believe I've posted about this before... I had gotten in exceptional shape and was trying to be *perfect* to earn his love. (This was recreating my trauma bonds with my parents). I was again the life of the party - thinking maybe if I got my confidence back he would finally show me affection. He always had a list of reasons why I was unlovable. Also it was just nice to be around others who didn't suck the air out of the room - and I let my hair down.

We spent quality time this time with his roommate - and even flew back a month later to do it all over again (now I understand what was really going on.) There was an obvious, instant connection. Me, starved for affection and his roommate able to spend more time with us on this visit and I got to know him better... I can't explain the guilt I felt within myself at the agony of "THIS is who I met!" And feeling guilty as in if I had met the roommate first we would have either been great, great friends or romantic partners. We stayed for a few days and spent time with loads of roommate's friends. HE was a real person - not a cardboard cut-out version.  Updh kept disappearing into the shadows and I would have to retrieve him - or find him eerily observing me and his roommate when I would forget about his existence. Mind you - Everything was above board. I have strong morals and found the whole situation to be painful - but I wouldn't dream of cheating emotionally or physically. At one point one of the late nights, updh orchestrated the perfect situation for cheating by having me and Room-Mate leaving for pizza to get for everyone else - and I literally fled the scene.

I remember locating updh in the kitchen sneaking food and literally shoving it in his mouth while the rest of us enjoyed good conversation. I really do feel he uses food as a drug. On our drive back to our hotel a few hours away for the last night of our trip - I couldn't stop weeping. I claimed I just wasn't feeling well - but now looking back - I think updh new EXACTLY what turmoil I was under.

Once I survived the trip, morals in tact-  this roommate was his 'all-time best friend' and 'the only one who had never and would never do him wrong'. And we had several other visits. I avoid ANY moment alone with room mate to avoid the tragic guilt that I feel over the connection... And I don't get the vibe that room mate would have an issue with stealing me away after some of the comments he made about the way I am treated. I tried to view him as a brother and I got over it for the most part. I do love our friend. Not romantically though.

******What I realized now today - is THIS was when the discard began. He was (accidentally?) honest about that much recently. *********

Like a mean little child - during that trip - he decided I was worthless to him because he saw that his sham was up - he saw my authenticity shine as I was in my element with that crowd at the time -  and he got to witness firsthand that I was a duck surrounded by other ducks at that point...and he sees himself as a lone wolf. I think even though he has cheated on me -he saw that as enough for him to destroy me.

Being thankful in all things - in some way I have outgrown this part of myself and I am grateful for who I could now be.

And truly - from that point on he has tried to get me to leave. He turned into the toxic-jock type he KNEW I disliked and dragged me to every sporting event (Not my scene but again - trying to be the perfect wife!) I went along with everything trying desperately to match his needs. I think this drove his hatred and bitterness for me ever deeper. He became disgusting. Stopped cleaning, stopped bathing, let go of all hygiene. Belches and other bodily functions in front of me frequently and laughs.

Throughout those years people would tell me that he wanted me gone but wanted me to be the bad guy. He facilitated a few more visits and cross country trips with the roommate and at one point asked me if roommate was ever in need of a place to live if I would let him move in with us?!?! (He wasn't in a bad way...Updh was trying to set this up). I said no way. I knew that would be a bad idea. (WE ALREADY HAD OUR FIRST CHILD AT THIS TIME, TOO!)

What blows my mind is - he had a clear picture of everything. He knew what was going on inside of me. He knew the attraction and kept trying to facilitate the narrative that I left him for his 'best-friend.' I think my refusal to put myself in that position made him hate me even more.

Interestingly enough he has brought up this 'best-friend' when explaining how he currently feels about me. He said I don't hate you - I'm just not in love with you. Now you're like him. I love 'the guy' (his words) - but I haven't spoken to him in 8 months - you're like that.

It will be interesting to continue observing. I believe more of this will come out. I wonder what he has been doing ever since when he clearly felt vindicated in whatever he did.

[square]

Very interesting insights.

I got kind of a sick feeling reading about the video. It must have been hard to watch.

[falsebalance2]

Square,

As hard as it was to watch - It is also a bit validating - to see him as he thought there were no witnesses...and to see the smooth manipulation after the slip.

It helped me be more gentle with myself. If I hadn't have caught it on video I would believe I was just being 'too sensitive."

[square]

Yeah, no, it was sickening.

[falsebalance2]

It is

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like that video will be a good reminder when the amnesia kicks in.

I think that it's common for the discards to happen around 18 to 24 months in.  Then it's all a mess from there.  Same time line here also.

[falsebalance2]

Yes I plan on keeping the video for that reason!

I just have a hard time sometimes with the cognitive dissonance.

a well meaning friend recently said "deep down a part of him does love you." She also says he needs to go so isn't saying to stay with him but those words bother me.

I'm at a point in my journey where I bristle a bit when people say they're holding out he changes or hoping we can reconcile one day.

I am a gentle person so I dislike feeling this way.....But I feel each comment like that is someone (unknowingly) saying go back to the grave and give him a chance.

Soo - I'm giving myself permission to dump those comments in the trash like a boquet a friend brought over but you're allergic to the flower. It was a nice thought but it has to go once they leave the house. While they're visiting I will say Oh lovely flowers....I'm going to set them on the patio let's chat out there! Or maybe I should just say oh thanks! and I'M ALLERGIC TO GERANIUMS. Ah...at least I'm soon going to be able to explore being authentic again. If I want to be a grouch for a few weeks...I suppose I could.

I think he loved the advantages, but me as a person?

Looking back - every thing he didn't like about me - he either overtly or covertly decided it wasn't welcome in OUR life.

Playing instruments and singing - said all of my 'artsy' friends were weird and instead of complimenting me he would shrug and say he didn't hate it - music just wasn't his thing. (Which is a lie because he paid others major compliments).

Snowboarding, surfing and skating - He decided he isn't good at balance sports and it wasn't fun for him so.....No more trips for me...And then he stopped wearing all associated brands and said he doesn't have the right body type then later 'sorry but that's just not who I am. That's *your* fantasy.'

Painting - Not a single comment or compliment. I know that's my fault...But it was so weird I just only did it when he wasn't home and mailed paintings to my friends.

Horseback riding - Horses are too expensive and mean....yet 'loves' everything about horses come fair and rodeo time

All of the friends I ever made - Not cool enough, losers, dorks, not his scene, etc.

Visiting lonely elderly people shut ins or in homes - NOT his thing and plus they're dangerous not going to happen with his kids.

All of my life-long, childhood best friends - Were male as I was a tomboy so I understood when he said it wasn't ok for me to keep them close despite having made great friends with their wives. (I was the 'sweetheart' of my group of friends. They had me on a pedestal I don't deserve and I think it greatly insulated me from some of the abuse....once they were ghosted out of OUR life.....I accepted more).

My best girl-friends from college - all dumb liars who don't keep up with me for real and don't really care.

Nature and camping - Came up with every excuse in the book as to why we can't do it.

Homesteading - same with camping.

He would find the 'no' for me and then say well that is the only way WE could afford it/do it.

And he didn't know if he wanted kids then just wanted the one and then when I bounced back we discussed only having one. I started to come Out of the FOG then just slightly and even posted on here....I realized how abusive his FOO was...and he had to 'deal' with me going no contact with them - so suddenly he was interested in me again and I fell pregnant. Then I think he kept going because the more children I had he thought = me not being able to leave/too much baggage. Plus I was EASY prey with all the hormones and insecurities.

He told me a few times things like "you can wear whatever you want - nobody is going to care or look at you anymore...You're a mom now - you're out of the game.

Yet mentioned someone I know got 'hotter' points because she was now a mom. I was a little stunned so I asked wait what do you mean? And he said she was always average but now that she was a mom it somehow made her hot. This was looking at a photo of her in clothing he would say I shouldn't wear as a mother.....And had convinced me I was on the right track purchasing a "uniform" of cheap T shirts and elastic waist pants in case I got pregnant again.

I looked rediculous looking back!

I recently read these relationships are a cult. And I felt that. I left my FOO cult and fell right into another.

I didn't ever receive validation at home growing up - So I was so hungry for it and him withholding it felt like 'love' to be earned.

I don't know how I did this because I have also been in a few healthy relationships. (Like my guy friends and girl friends and even a relationship or two).

I believed the lie I wasn't worthy of validation. That was his hold on me.

[1footouttadefog]

Many of the same techniques are used by cults to be sure.  Most cults revolve around a personality, personality cults is even the term.

A narc the the people they isolate socially and otherwise have alot in common with cults to be sure. 

[falsebalance2]

The more I learn about cults it is very close in nature!