The Lump in ny chest

[Lost250]

I am a recent discard of a highly malignant covert narcissist. I found my way here by researching free course for overcoming narcissistic abuse. 
Although facts tell me that i am lucky to be discarded, it doesnt feel that way.
Although Ive gone no contact, i seem to run into he and new supply at wal mart, friends driveway, post office every time I leave my home (which is infrequent now) and visions of them in those places and thoughts about them as a couple just continually come into my head no matter how much i try to focus on something else.  Its like being haunted.

I loved my narcissist and spent more than 20 years trying to get him to love me back to no avail before i finally figured out what i was dealing with. As soon as he knew i had him figured out and he could not change it, he discarded me for real and I still have a nearly 24/7 lump of pain in my chest.
My dignity is gone, self worth gone with it and though i realize he will someday be treating his new supply like he treated me, That doesnt help nor should it.
Ive watched a thousand videos and done considerable  research and i understand that regaining self esteem, learning to set boundaries and to not be a people pleaser are key to recovery but thats too general for my fogged mind.  I wish there were a step by step guidebook for doing what it takes to heal.  How do I fix my self worth?
How do I stop the visions in my head. How do i remember the bad times and forget the good ones.  How can i forget he exists after 20 plus years of total manipulation? Im pushing 60 and want to feel something besides pain between now and death. I cant afford proffessional counseling but I am in a bad state seeking direction.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have come to a good place. We understand and we are all at different stages of healing from the abuse we have suffered from the PDs in our life. I experienced the final discard after almost 40 years. Just shows how long it took me to get Out of the FOG.
There are some books on recovering from narcissistic abuse, one is called 'It's my life now" and some people have found it helpful. There is a lot on YouTube too.  I started to go to CoDA meetings and I find them helpful. I found it very painful when I acknowledged my contribution to the relationship and how much I enabled his behaviour as well as how little I stood up for myself.

I doubt you will forget 20 years of your life. I am still working on forgiving myself and getting to know myself. I am 4 years out and I have good days and bad days. And so will you! I am glad you found us. See you around on the boards.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister whom I no longer want to have any contact with. I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

Abusers are all about power and control.

Even though our situations are different I can relate to what you are experiencing.

I am living with depression and probably CPTSD because of all the trauma I have experienced over decades.

It takes times to heal and recover. We need to work on building our self esteem. For me that begins with Mindfulness meditations. I am so grateful for being introduced to Mindfulness many years ago by my doctor. I have found Loving Kindfulness Mindfulness meditations very useful. I watch them on YouTube. I am learning to be kinder to myself. 

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She gives regular free talks.

Her website is
www.tarabrach.com

I also follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have found her to be very helpful and make sure to watch her videos regularly.

You may like to contact your local carers centre. They maybe able to help you more for free. They should have a mental health carers support worker and a mental health carers support group that you could join.

It sounds like you would really benefit from counselling. There are schemes available in different counties where you can get free counselling.

Some schemes are linked to places where they train counsellors and they need clients to participate so that they can get qualified. So they offer counselling for free.

There are also mental health charities that offer free counselling.

I attend regular free mental health carers support groups and have found the support from other carers very beneficial.

There are additional resources in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum which you may find useful.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.