Maybe the wrong heading....but...

Liketheducks · June 16, 2022, 12:37:57 PM

So, I am a regular poster in the dealing with PD parents/going NC with PD parents headings. My mom was/is covert NPD. Dad was/is overt. Yea for me. Mostly doing well, surprisingly. It's taken a LOT of work and therapy to get here. But, I'm still here:)

A little more than 3 years ago.....I found out my husband was having an affair....with a "friend".....

We're all triathletes. I was just beginning in the sport. My husband had started a few years prior. He was training with another couple. That husband got injured. So, then he was just training with the "friend".....and they had a brief affair. Were caught. My husband immediately got us into counseling and has moved heaven and earth to get us back where we should be. (As he should if I was going to stay.....)

It's the former "friend" that I'm writing about. It is clear to me that she's a likely narc. Takes no responsibility. Affair was "her husband's fault". They ended up divorced. She's skipping out on child support. Really "nice" person. Totally alienating her ex to the kids. My husband went as far to say she threw herself at him, but he knew he would never leave me....that she was enormously selfish. Don't worry, I've leveled and he's accepted his part of this whole mess. She's worked her way through 3 other male triathletes in our small town....since her divorce 2 years ago. One 20 years younger..... Obviously, to me, she has a pattern....and the way the guys gush.....she's love bombing a lot.

But, now....in our small community.....I have this woman doing minor things just to majorly upset me. Training for a race.....we're in a group....she's gonna be RIGHT beside me. And, I mean.....RIGHT beside me. I'm doing my best to just politely ignore her. I look through her. Rationally, I know she is a damaged person to get her jollies by pointing out to the wife that at one time her husband tried her out......but the triggers with her. OMG.

I know I'm supposed to have control over my emotions and my feelings and my responses to this. I've done the EMDR....all the therapy. I just wish I could see her as no longer the tiger in the room. For crying out loud.....I can talk to my NPD parents.....but her invading my space puts me into orbit.

Liketheducks · June 16, 2022, 01:04:04 PM

Quote from: Liketheducks on June 16, 2022, 12:37:57 PM
So, I am a regular poster in the dealing with PD parents/going NC with PD parents headings. My mom was/is covert NPD. Dad was/is overt. Yea for me. Mostly doing well, surprisingly. It's taken a LOT of work and therapy to get here. But, I'm still here:)

A little more than 3 years ago.....I found out my husband was having an affair....with a "friend".....

We're all triathletes. I was just beginning in the sport. My husband had started a few years prior. He was training with another couple. That husband got injured. So, then he was just training with the "friend".....and they had a brief affair. Were caught. My husband immediately got us into counseling and has moved heaven and earth to get us back where we should be. (As he should if I was going to stay.....)

It's the former "friend" that I'm writing about. It is clear to me that she's a likely narc. Takes no responsibility. Affair was "her husband's fault". They ended up divorced. She's skipping out on child support. Really "nice" person. Totally alienating her ex to the kids. My husband went as far to say she threw herself at him, but he knew he would never leave me....that she was enormously selfish. Don't worry, I've leveled and he's accepted his part of this whole mess. She's worked her way through 3 other male triathletes in our small town....since her divorce 2 years ago. One 20 years younger..... Obviously, to me, she has a pattern....and the way the guys gush.....she's love bombing a lot.

But, now....in our small community.....I have this woman doing minor things just to majorly upset me. Training for a race.....we're in a group....she's gonna be RIGHT beside me. And, I mean.....RIGHT beside me. I'm doing my best to just politely ignore her. I look through her. Rationally, I know she is a damaged person to get her jollies by pointing out to the wife that at one time her husband tried her out......but the triggers with her. OMG.

I know I'm supposed to have control over my emotions and my feelings and my responses to this. I've done the EMDR....all the therapy. I just wish I could see her as no longer the tiger in the room. For crying out loud.....I can talk to my NPD parents.....but her invading my space puts me into orbit.

I'm not separating or divorcing....but I AM dealing with a NPD who blames me and seems to like to torture me because my husband chose to make things right with me. What can I do??

square · June 16, 2022, 01:14:54 PM

You can settle it in your mind that your husband chose you and if she is getting something out of bragging that she temporarily snagged a man, she doesn't have much else to go on.

She would like to hurt you but really think about it. She can only hurt you if you accept her story.

Liketheducks · June 16, 2022, 01:19:16 PM

Her story....meaning she's the victim here. Ahhhhhhhh.......I'm so used to seeing this dysfunction in my FOO.....this tiger looks like different stripes to me. Thank you!

square · June 16, 2022, 03:21:38 PM

It's an angry Chihuahua pretending to be a tiger.

It may try to bite your ankle but honestly, in a real fight, who is going to win?

They kind of get you because you're too decent to kick a Chihuahua through the goalposts.

Liketheducks · June 16, 2022, 05:49:53 PM

Oh man.....can I tell you how much I yearn for the field goal?

pushit · June 17, 2022, 12:04:24 AM

Walk into that training session proud and tall. Ignore her. Shoulders high and chest forward. Focus on yourself and why you are there, to improve yourself. If she engages you, talk about superficial things like the weather. Be the grey rock, but know who you are underneath. From what you wrote, both you and your husband are better people than her.

Confidence is Kryptonite to PDs. Just GO.

Liketheducks · June 19, 2022, 01:07:30 PM

In a weird twist of Karma. Funny, not funny situation. I came down with Covid. I'm going to be ok. It feels like a bad cold. It was a local concert. A number of us have come down with it.

She likely exposed herself to it by choosing to sit so close to me.

BeautifulCrazy · June 23, 2022, 10:58:25 AM

It probably really bothers this woman that she "lost" and your marriage is still intact.
The power she gets, being a "destroyer of worlds" with her irresistible sexual attractiveness has been nullified.
Men will give up Everything / Anything just to be with her. Except this one. He gave up / lost nothing. She must be shook.

At the end of it all. She is alone. You are not. Poor her, she probably thinks that is horribly unfair.

hhaw · June 23, 2022, 12:58:26 PM

Ltd:

I recognize a very familiar stoicism in you.

I find it easier to ignore bad behavior too,but I'm examining my internal belief systems and reasons I put up with disrespectful behavior, rather than asserting healthy boundaries without emotional reactivity. It's a journey. There's resistence I'm trying to discern.

My T would say.....
"Do what you can, then put the story on the shelf."

She'd point out how I can calm myself down... EMDR, breathing.... pushing on doorjambswith everythign I've got,then
"sit in nonjudgmental awareness" around the situation to see what's there.

Accept it.....
and listen to my gut....
my intuition knows what to do if I calm my Nervous System down, and listen.

My DD19 told me to act "get very selfish, bc it would be what most people think of as normal." In DD's opinion. She believes I associate self compassion, asserting myself and self care with being selfish...and I know she's right. I'm dealing with co dependence and internal belief systems I'm challenging around being enough, being worthy, around being OK just as I am without having to prove myself every day, to everyone, over everything.... how exhausting, Whew.

Just saying..... I'd runimate plenty if I was in your situation and it would suck the joy out of my life... daily. I'd feel better if I found a way to act and move myself through the discomfort... I've done it in the past, and boy was it helpful. It's getting easier, but comes and goes, according to how reactive I am around whatever the thing IS.

So.... what CAN you do about this situation?

You can hold compassion for this woman and still assert yourself in an approriately calm manner,perhaps with humor to dispell some of the stress and maybe include the group when you do it. Maybe not.

I believe you'll know what to do.