Stopping the Cycle

[rothjr3]

My mom would get so angry with me for not loving her enough. She would accuse me of loving others more. If I glanced at a family whose dynamics seemed natural and normal (beautiful), she would say, "You want join that family. I'll go over and ask if you can join since you are so discussed with the family you have."

My mom recently called wanting to speak with my 5 year old. We were in the car and my daughter shook her head "no." She was watching her iPad and was content. I told my mom to try calling another time. She said, "That makes me so sad. She doesn't want to talk to me. It has been so long. Does she not talk about me and the visit I had with her (3 weeks ago). I guess she doesn't appreciate all that I did for her and with her." I told her that she's just "5" and they're only interested in the present. I said to not take it personally. It's a hit or miss with kids. She will call again: I am certain. My hope is to stay strong and not cave. I will gather the courage to say that I will put my daughter on the phone with her as long as she can agree to not guilt her with not having picked up the other day and/or talk about what she "wishes" my daughter would give her. My daughter is not responsible for her grandmother's needs. And, as a kid, I was not responsible for my mother's needs (but I took on that responsibility and always felt like a failure).

[notrightinthehead]

It sounds like your mother has a deep hole of need inside her that neither you nor your daughter can fill. That is very sad for your mother and at the same time neither your or your daughter's job to fill, nor will you ever be able to fill it. It's up to your mother to work on healing that wound.
Congratulations on your decision to protect your daughter from the manipulations by your mother and on coming Out of the FOG yourself. Check out the Toolbox for strategies when interacting with your mother. Welcome to this informative and supportive site!

[Andeza]

I would highly recommend any time you let your Mom speak to your daughter on the phone, it's on speaker and you are right there.

[SunnyMeadow]

Your mother's words are so familiar. My mother has said all this too. When my kids were little she would pour on the guilt and I would make my children JUMP to attention around her. Looking back I wish I would have told her to grow up and see that these are children only interested in the present, like you said.

I think you did great by telling her that. Keep doing it and staying strong for your daughter. Not handling and shutting down her grandma/grandchild expectations is one of my many regrets in dealing with my mother for decades. When I found this website and realized what she was all about, I was able to see my uNPD mother as a whiny toddler who wants her way. It helped me stop feeling guilt because it was definitely her issue and not mine.

[moglow]

She said, "That makes me so sad. She doesn't want to talk to me. It has been so long. Does she not talk about me and the visit I had with her (3 weeks ago). I guess she doesn't appreciate all that I did for her and with her." ... My daughter is not responsible for her grandmother's needs. And, as a kid, I was not responsible for my mother's needs

Everything you said. God bless her and her sad abyss of needy, but yes. She's a parent herself who demanded that her own child fill her, now doing same with grandchild. SMother, is what that is. I'm not a parent and even I realize that a five-eight-twelve-sixteen year old is in their own stuff. They aren't there to fill us. Keep that up and your daughter will refuse to talk to her at all.

I absolutely second the suggestion of speakerphone calls going forward, and know that your child is still likely to lose all interest and walk off when she sees the legos nearby. That's what kids DO. And you step in with "it's naptime, lunchtime, her playdate is here etc. We'll talk to you soon BYE!"

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think the way you responded was great, and quite appropriate. You took the cue from your child on whether she wanted to talk, you supported your child's need in that moment and calmly conveyed a reply back to your mother. I say, well done.

Some people might not think much about making a kid talk to grandma, but there can also be times when you set a routine of sacrificing your own needs to make someone else happy. Even if any one incident is minor, over time each incident can have larger and larger impacts. Before you know it, you do feel responsible for that other person, and are in an endless nosedive. That does not happen if you have awareness of these things when they seem "minor", and chose a different response.