Helping someone else

[Bella]

Hello, it's been awhile since I posted and I am managing ok. But the issue is I am in my country of birth and the culture here is very complicated. A few months ago a friend of a cousin approached me and told me about her issue with her mother and what she is saying not only reminds my pd parent but things seem to be escalating. She is 13 and her parent divorced, due to the cultural context I need to be very careful of the advice I give her, the parent is a police officer, and there is no way she can go no contact and from what I hear she has mo support from an adult. I asked advice from someone I thought could help be he isn't staying out of it.
So anything idea would be welcomed.

So far my advice was keep your head down and make sure you get stellar grades so we figure a scholarship to get you away from this but that's at least 4 years away. I also oriented her towards books and fanfics that helped me keep the moral.

[SunnyMeadow]

I think you gave her very good advice. Keeping her head down and getting stellar grades so she can get out asap is probably all she can do right now.  At 13 there doesn't seem to be much else.

I might also tell her to very slightly lessen daily contact with her mother but not enough to cause problems. She could keep busy in her room doing school work, going to the library for extra study time and keeping her eye on the ultimate goal of moving out. I'd also do all my chores and any extra things to get through this time as easily as possible. Plus she can stay busy and away from her mom by doing this.

She can be less available if they are very enmeshed and mention for her not to tell her mother too much personal information. I did this as a young woman and it was the wrong move. I should have been growing up to separate from my mother. Instead I stayed stuck to her until I was in my late 40s. Sad that such a young woman is going through this. You are a good friend to her.

[Empie2204]

It´so nice of you to help her. 

You gave her good advice. The problem might arise from the fact that young people can mentally understand what we are telling them but they don´t like the idea of waiting for a better future. They live here and now.
It might be reasonable to explain to her that this is a sort of her personal project and trade, that SHE herself is working on her way out of this toxic childhood. Her own efforts make her closer to mental and emotional adulthood and give her a lot to be proud of.

Maybe tell her that all parents are human beings and even if in our society the young are not welcome to express their open opinion about their parents - they have the right to form this opinion and in such a way begin to cut the ties.

I know it´s sad to accept that growing up with a PD parent is like being in prison but working on the mental strength helps a lot.

[Leonor]

Hello,

You are such a kind soul and your cousin is lucky to have you in her life.

At 13, she can't go no contact, and it would be unfair to expect her to be able to create and navigate boundaries with her parents. She doesn't have the wherewithal for that, because her self is just beginning to blossom and grow.

And you can't save her, either, because you're not in a place to do so. You're not her therapist or counselor, and the culture she lives in does not provide that as a viable option. Besides, she loves her parents, because she's a little girl. She might not want to leave. She might just want her m. to love her.

It is possible that encouraging her to plan on leaving home (at 13!) is frightening, and if her parents hear about this you'll both pay the price.

But you can serve as a model for her. You can say, "Look, it sounds like you are feeling really hurt by your m., and I know that feeling. But I think you are doing a great job and are an amazing girl, and you can keep in touch with me if you want."

It doesn't have to be heavy or deep or trauma all the time. It can be an Instagram post, or a WhatsApp call, or a card from time to time, just letting her know that she's important to you and that there is life and possibility outside of your family.

To be positive, to encourage, to be honest with and open for her in ways that are appropriate given your ages and situations ... That is a real gift.

She will make her way, but it's less traumatic for a child to want to get good grades because her big cousin believes in her and there's a life full of promise and possibility ahead than to tell her to get good grades or else she'll be condemned to a life of abuse.

She truly is lucky to have you in her life, and your presence is a blessing to her.

[Bella]

Just to clarify I am not advising her to leave home at 13 but to maintain her grades high enough that when she pass her baccalaureate she could possibly have a scholarship to study abroad.
Also she is a friend of my cousin. And the girl was crying hard when she was telling me what her mother was doing to her, to the point of trying vilify the girl in the eyes of her farther (the parents are divorced. I am trying to encourage her and I also told her to discreetly lower her exposure to her mother. But I am supposed to leave in not so long and I was trying to get her a mentor.

[Liketheducks]

You're a wonderful person to pass on the help.     Support like this is a Godsend.    My father's sister offered me similar when I was that age.   Just an ear, someone to model better behavior, validating my confusing feelings about the situation, and treat me gently when I needed it.    She was the one person I can say literally changed my life and way of thinking.   SHE made me feel worthy of goodness and light in this world.      She never denigrated my parents, but lifted me up.    When I was 18 she offered me a guest room in her house for awhile, just to get away.     It wasn't until then that I learned that things could be different.   

[sunshine702]

Grey Rock.

Nothing too spicy, flashy, controversial.
Boring grey rock.